I think I would feel much better, much less angry all the time, and much more grounded if I found my place. My people. I know this sounds crazy, and maybe it is— maybe I’m totally paranoid and simply want to buy into this— but I really wonder if my family is my family after all. For one thing, I’m very different from them in that I’m not academic. I am way more auto-didactic than they are. I'm also more open to others' views, backgrounds, etc. I'm way less reserved and way more volatile than they are too. I also have what everyone in my family calls “exotic eyes” — I’m not offended exactly, but no one else in my family has them. I’m frequently mistaken for being Native American, which I think is flattering, but I can't and won't say I am when I'm not. When I lived in Indy one summer, I went to the Indian Market— everyone, including the Native Americans, kept asking me what tribe I was. lol. I wasn't offended or anything, but I did feel like there was something about me that needed explaining. I still feel that way. My mom, dad, and sis are brown-haired and brown-eyed like me, but only my maternal grandmother had eyes that were shaped remotely like mine (and she was of Irish, not Native American, descent). My mom vehemently swears that she remembers giving birth to me, but mix-ups do occur in hospitals. I took a dna test, and I'll admit the results do match up with my family's ancestry. But something is still off. I don't feel like I fit in. And the thing is, I feel like that everywhere. I think a lot of my anger stems from that. I just want to find my people and my place. My tribe and my home. I have friends, but I don't see them much, and I worry that if I reach out to them, they'll just ignore me, because they've done it before. It's very depressing. And I worry that I'll never find my place. I'll just drift and wander like I always have. **** it.

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