@Rasberrytorte - I'm sorry if I laid into you. Most of us are guilty of posting TMI stuff here, myself included. But then that's mania.

Today, I need everything I post to be taken with a grain of salt. I'm manic right now. But it feels good; I don't want it to end! I'm happy other than I can't focus and keep having panic attacks. I can't even focus to watch tv. It's a miracle I can sort of type posts today but everyone can see I am posting much more than I usually do today.

OMG, I did something H is going to hate when I tell him. While he and my daughter were still sleeping, I drove the car to the gas station and gassed it up. I had a 10 minute panic attack and managed to wait it out after pulling into a parking space (though I didn't make it between the lines). How I didn't hit another car IDK. I'm scared to tell H. He doesn't know yet. But I feel guilty not telling him; I mean he knows all my baggage and crap and probably more than he wants to know and more than he signed up for 20 years Aug. 4th. He knew I had mental health issues when we married, of course, but it's gotten worse as the years go by (that has a name I used to know but can't remember in my current state; let me know if anyone knows).

Scared, tired but wired, happy, panicky, frustrated (especially with lack of focus - I mean, I can't even concentrate to watch a TV program, going to try listening to music after telling H what I did this morning.).