Bipolar Check-in #80

Oh, so many struggles you all have for the time being! I want to give all of you a big, big (((((((((HUG)))))))))).

You can also eat bland foods like applesauce, mashed potatoes and toast. may help.

It was wise of me to drop the walking yesterday. I have had a good night's sleep, a long breakfast and then my longest walk since I started my walking. Two days ago I walked 2,8 km. Today I walked 4 km.

It was sunny today and hot. After my walk, I was at a museum (shade). I bought small cakes for my coffee time at home and more fruit for the weekend.

I am glad I put my plan (my tools that usually work for me) together yesterday. I read a lot about routines and structured days yesterday (as motivations). Generally all articles I found were about the benefits for a lot of emotional disorders; anxiety, depression, bipolar, cyclothymia and more.

I found that out years ago that a structured day (with room for rest and pleasure as well), is very helpful for me. I understand that it is not possible for everybody to have strict routines. We are all different! To me stable routines are Alpha and Omega, the key to live well with both emotional and physical disorders. The most dangerous I can do is to step out of my routines. Without them, depressive thoughts often sneaks in and make me sidetracked.

Still, the most difficult for me is to remember that without routines my life almost crashes. I forget about them when life is OK, but THAT ended yesterday. NB. I have promised myself to remember to schedule my time and to watch out for triggers more often to prevent depressed episodes.


I have not had any elevated mood the last years. I think I can thank the routines for that and a relatively better social life than before.


Am sending good thoughts your way!

Hypomania/Mania is GREAT! Though right now I'm clumsy and hearing voices though and speeded up. I found myself driving all over this AM though and had to pull over on Main street for a panic attack in a bad place by a trraffic light. I called the pdoc and left a message though. I was taking leftover lamotrigine & hydroxizine without telling the pdoc in the hope to get some better control (maybe hypomania and not full blown mania), and finally told H & my daughter about it. H told pdoc yesterday and pdoc said I coul d take them I called the pdoc today and left a messasge about the panic attack. I need Xanax or Klonopin or something. I hope he calls me or H bacck soon. But on the other hand, I can do anything I want! I don't want this to end!

Other than starting my period yesterday, I feel great!

I am sorry to hear this. That has to be very hard on you.

OMG! That is awful! When is your next appt. with your T? If it's not on Monday, maybe you should call and ask when you can get in ASAP.

I think you should print out your posts from here going on the last week or so, and show them to your pdoc & maybe your T though I am starting to think your T is worthless and not worrying about your hypomania, in fact kept going on about your hormones causing your issues, not hyopmania and telling you should see your pcp if I am remembering correctly. When does your pdoc retire? Maybe you should get this to your pdoc ASAP: Also print them out and show them to your H. Show your H ASAP. I mean, you say you don't keep secrets from your H and totallly love him, but I don't think he reads your posts (or not most of them on this thread) or he would be calling your pdoc endlessy, dragging you to the pdocs office or to the psych emergency room. If he really loves you as much as you say he does, he would do it some and/or all of that. I like your posts, but I don't like you going on endlessly about all your hypersexual stuff. I mean, that's private between you & your H. Or should be. I don't mind you saying you're hypersexual; that is a symtom of mania after all.
But details in nearly every post is just too much. Sorry if this hurts, I don't mean to be harsh to you; you give great advice to nearly everyone here. But I think you need to give great advice to yourself. And take care of yourself. Do your H, pdoc and T all think it's a not a problem that you are getting 2-3 hr. of sleep a night for well over a month? My H & my pdoc would have me in the hospital in a flash just for getting only 2 or 3 hours of sleep consistently. In fact, my pdoc pretty much said if my symptoms don't decrease in 1 week, I need the psych hospital.

And you know yourself vaping does NO favors for your health (physically & mentally) and that caffeine speeds a person up. You need to decrease caffeine and stop vaping too.

You are having some issues: obviously hypersexual, I mean most of us do not go on and on and on about lovemaking or wanting sex so bad you can't stand it or being explicit what you want to do with your H in general and how much you get it. (I am sorry; please don't report me. That would devastate me especially right not since I am having issues. I don't have any other people to understand what bipolar is really like except at MSF.)

@Blueberrybook

Aw, I'm not going to report you. No way. You're cool. I know vaping is bad and I need to quit. It's HARD though. I know. Boohoo. It's TOO HARD. Whine whine. Whatever. I'll stop posting for a while.

I DON'T want you to stop posting AT ALL. I LOVE your posts, just not sexual stuff all time, I mean I don't mind you saying you're hypersexual but I do mind all the expressions of getting some when your H does and doesn't want some, explicit stuff, etc.

Don't worry either, I will not report you at all I only once reported a person and that was someone telling me I didn't deserve a child

@raspberry torte I think stopping posting is probably a very bad idea. I think you probably need the outlet of posting and being part of the community. Just my 2 cents.

Oh, my pdoc retires on Wednesday. That's actually his very last day.

😭 😭 😭

The card I got him is great though! It has a monkey on front (lol) and says "thank you" and then on the inside shows the monkey holding a bunch of bananas and says "a bunch". Haha. I still haven't decided quite yet what I'm going to write in it. I'm going to give him a copy of my book too. He likes to read.

@Blueberrybook

Oh, wanted to add! (Sorry... THEN I'll stop posting in this thread.) Sorry to hear about your panic attack. I was on hydroxyzine for a little bit but found it didn't help my anxiety. I hope your psychiatrist gives you alprazolam or clonazepam or something to help, if just temporary. Panic attacks SUCK man (not the good way... SORRY!).

@BeyondtheRainbow - Thank you so much for your kind words. You are right. Not only do I need an outlet, especially right now, but I need an outlet with people who UNDERSTAND what bipolar is really like, people with first hand experience with bipolar.

Omg. Someone said that to you? That's terrible!

I've just recently started going out of my house after a few months of staying in because of bad anxiety and fatigue. I went into this one store to find a particular kind of Powerade and Gatorade. I tried grabbing the last basket which was attached to the floor. Then the greeter started *****ing at me about how the basket was attached and how they were out of baskets. Its like "lady I just spent 10 minutes puking my guts out into a bucket. I'm just trying to buy some Gatorade." I didn't say that, I just walked on. I picked up 4 bottles and on my way out I saw her start to move a big pile of baskets that were hidden somewhere and I gave her a dirty look which she saw. What an ***.

Anyways I got some food from another store and now I have my shorts on and I'm lying in bed. I have to do laundry and make some jello.

I just threw up after putting my laundry in the dryer and the second load in the wash. A lot of bending over. This isn't very good I don't think...

@raspberrytorte, please don't stop posting here! We love to hear from you and know you're alright, and like @Blueberrybook says, it's an important outlet when there's not many other places we can talk openly and honestly and get nothing but support back. I think the point is that you should censor yourself a little bit--be more general with the spicy stuff. I know a few of us have struggled with that (myself included), and before impulsively replying with potentially triggering or information a bit too private posts it's a good idea to read back and see if it's appropriate for the audience. If you need to get the details out, a journal could be helpful (you can keep it to yourself or share some snippets with pdoc/H to let them get into your mind more than just what they see).

We do care!

@Rasberrytorte - I'm sorry if I laid into you. Most of us are guilty of posting TMI stuff here, myself included. But then that's mania.

Today, I need everything I post to be taken with a grain of salt. I'm manic right now. But it feels good; I don't want it to end! I'm happy other than I can't focus and keep having panic attacks. I can't even focus to watch tv. It's a miracle I can sort of type posts today but everyone can see I am posting much more than I usually do today.

OMG, I did something H is going to hate when I tell him. While he and my daughter were still sleeping, I drove the car to the gas station and gassed it up. I had a 10 minute panic attack and managed to wait it out after pulling into a parking space (though I didn't make it between the lines). How I didn't hit another car IDK. I'm scared to tell H. He doesn't know yet. But I feel guilty not telling him; I mean he knows all my baggage and crap and probably more than he wants to know and more than he signed up for 20 years Aug. 4th. He knew I had mental health issues when we married, of course, but it's gotten worse as the years go by (that has a name I used to know but can't remember in my current state; let me know if anyone knows).

Scared, tired but wired, happy, panicky, frustrated (especially with lack of focus - I mean, I can't even concentrate to watch a TV program, going to try listening to music after telling H what I did this morning.).

raspberrytorte - I'm sorry if I laid into you. Most of us are guilty of posting TMI stuff here, myself included. But then that's mania. None of us would be posting in the bipolar forum without mania!

Today, I need everything I post to be taken with a grain of salt. I'm manic right now. But it feels good; I don't want it to end! I'm happy other than I can't focus and keep having panic attacks. I can't even focus to watch tv. It's a miracle I can sort of type posts today but everyone can see I am posting much more than I usually do today.

Updated: oh thank GOD! H was pretty cool about it. Well, he did make me promise him I would not drive until after my next pdoc appointment on Wednesday (which he is going to also). He said he is so glad I didn’t have an accident and we hugged. Then he said “ Well we needed gas anyway! Just please don’t drive right now and do not tinker with your medication you are not a psychiatrist and you are taking stuff you forget I about taking. I worry you will accidentally overdose. Then DD and I will be lost. We both love you”. So at least he was sweet about it. He knows ALL the symptoms of mania and I have got most all of them. You name it, I have got it and SHYT ! STOp blueberry! You are having pressured writing! The last pdoc did want me in them hospital but after she spoke to H let me stay home if H could monitor me and if I could at least sleep more than 2 hours per night.

OMG, I did something H is going to hate when I tell him. While he and my daughter were still sleeping, I drove the car to the gas station and gassed it up. I had a 10 minute panic attack and managed to wait it out after pulling into a parking space (though I didn't make it between the lines). How I didn't hit another car IDK. I'm scared to tell H. He doesn't know yet. But I feel guilty not telling him; I mean he knows all my baggage and crap and probably more than he wants to know and more than he signed up for 20 years Aug. 4th. He knew I had mental health issues when we married, of course, but it's gotten worse as the years go by (that has a name I used to know but can't remember in my current state; let me know if anyone knows).

Scared, tired but wired, happy, panicky, frustrated (especially with lack of focus - I mean, I can't even concentrate to watch a TV program, going to try listening to music after telling H what I did this morning.)

I have re-edited this 6 times and it's STILL not right!

It is my hope that pawpaw goes quickly in the next coming days as he has no quality of life and is so sad over missing my mawmaw who died suddenly last march.

I just wanted to say I love you guys (as internet friends I deeply care about and want nothing but the best for). Maybe a lot of you too, but I don't have a lot of people in my life who understand, want to understand, or even have an inkling of empathy to the struggles of mental illness, and it's good to know I can come here and chat with people who know what it's like.

I can't focus right now so I haven't read much. I'm all over the place because of anxiety. Worried I'm taking on to much. I have to build a portfolio apply for classes. And the dog.

You and me both, sister! Believe me I feel you! In fact, I could have written your post1 Therefore, according to my mania, we are both brilliant! Genuises, in fact! Look out MENSA!! LOL

Oh man, I just saw the assassination attempt on Trump on TV as it happened! Political violence has no place in a democracy!

I visited my mother today and she's as well as circumstances allow. She's had various tests for kidney, liver, heart, etc. They want to keep her admitted for a number of days since she's really swollen. They're coming up with a plan for her heart failure.

I need some perspective to speak with my T. I need a few days to process what's been happening, it's too raw now to speak with my T. Tuesday is fine. Thank you very much for your concern, I appreciate it!

OMG, MuddyBoots! Me too! Why haven't I said this already?! In fact, you must be a brilliant, genius too!

We all are brilliant genuises!

Well, I DO feel that way actually even depressed or stable, not just when I'm manic. Even if I don't answer every post or leave some people out, sometimes I just can't find the right words, KWIM?

We all unfortunately KNOW firsthand what bipolar is like, the good and the bad. As they say: You have to walk in someone else's shoes to really understand wha they mean or do or feel. We have all been there, done that and even stupider, more embarrassing stuff than we post here that we should or don't have the courage to say to ANYONE else but those of us on bipolar and other MSFs: not T's, not friends, not even spouse's or SO's.

I LOVE that MSF exists! Heck, whoever created MSF is AWESOME and even more genuis than those of us here!

I'm so sorry @HALLIEBETH87, you've gone through so much lately. I hope things go as well as circumstances allow.

I didn't even know about the assassination attempt.


I am SOO sorry about your mother. That's awful I wish I could do more than pray for you. (Actually, I hope none of you mind, I do pray for everyone here, and I don't care if you believe in God or not, and don't worry, I won't try to convert anyone here or go on about how you should have faith or else!