Hey, thanks for clarifying.
Well, I currently take antipsychotics, but I believe I mentioned in the OP that I was given them "by mistake". Essentially, once when I was 22, I was housed in crisis housing due to very bad relationships at home, and the women employed promised they would help me get social financial help as soon as possible. But weeks went by with no sign of progress by them, and as I was young and frustrated, I once blurted (and didn't even mean it seriously or even have this sort of history) I am ok but I would do something to myself if they didn't help me get the benefits soon. I just wanted to move on. But the woman called the hospital and despite my defending, they said I was psychotic and I was forced to take pills. A very bleak memory. Since then every time I try to get off I get hallucinations I of course never had before. Thus, endless cycle of rehospitalisations unless I take them.
As I said, APs definitely don't help my social persona, I was often insecure about my social life before taking them. And since starting them, I have lost a number of the closest friends as I was just different and also on the sort of pills where it really showed I was a bit "stoned, stiff and strange".
Psychotherapy is expensive (Mum doesn't work right now and neither do I), but when I did go, I found nobody really told me straight up if I had problems, they were mainly polite about my problems and listened a lot. And my psychiatrist just prescribes pills mainly.
So regarding the friendships, it's a vicious circle where you are rejected and then feel worse. But when it comes to me and my personality, I still don't know what exactly is so off-putting. I wish someone with no attachment to me just told me. So I regret these forums are not more personal.
You, Divine, sound pretty grounded and if we met, I imagine you could tell me what I was doing wrong.