Very difficult love dilemma. Please help

Hello. Today I want to share with you something about my current dilemma in love, and hope you can help out. If it's long, I'm just trying to describe it, sorry.

So, I used to speak to a guy online (from about 13 to 17, and then from 18 to 19) who always claimed he was two years older than me. We met on some chat site which is now defunct. We had a full blown "internet relationship" going, as he some time after first speaking to me claimed he loved me, and was just generally extremely nice, kind and generous with compliments and it all felt unexpectedly genuine. So I felt I must mean something to him, I was young too and it meant a lot. We spoke daily in the evenings for more than 2 hours sometimes, and always had something interesting to talk about. He never had a picture up like me though. Whenever I wanted to meet him, he wanted to too but would always in the end find an excuse. He was from the UK and I'm from Europe, so I had to go holiday there and always felt let down. But our "relationship" was very intense, and when I was 17 we started regularly speaking on the phone. We spoke a lot especially when I went to university there, and he didn't meet me, but I was so taken with the r-ship. and his niceness I always forgave him. Well, I was on phone to him once I had the summer break back once home (at 19), and he admitted he was much older. He was apparently in tears. I asked if he had an attraction to young people, and he said no. (It also would've been hard to do much speaking with someone else as we spoke all evenings, and he was employed.) I was also angry for all the lies and deceit, and he never met me either and thought he wouldn't want to, so I broke it off. We didn't speak for 8 years altogether, and he occasionally would email me (saying he hopes my life is going well, and he would always love me and respect me). I once tried talking online again, but felt he again wasn't serious about meeting up (I was still a bit attached and v. curious), maybe sth. was still holding him back, and so I didn't speak to him again. I even once requested he stop emailing me, so he said "ok" and respected my wish.

2nd part. In 2014, I was on holiday in Bosnia, where my relatives live, for the first time. There I met their neighbour, D, and we sort of had sth. going, we liked each other a lot, it was a whirlwind romance, we didn't sleep together but we kissed and cuddled and he seemed to like me a lot too, would get jealous if I went with someone else, etc. He was about 10 years older than me but he looked and seemed young. Well, I then left after summer to again study abroad, and he wasn't on any social sites. So we only got back in touch once I visited (two times after the 1st time).
Well, in 2019 we found each other on FB (I was then living in home country again) and started messaging, but things got off to a slow start and I also wasn't on much due to health issues. Well, recently in Nov 2020 we started regularly messaging again, he sent me some romantic msgs. and I asked him if he was serious about me and he said he did like me. Since, we have been messaging on a site similar to Skype every day without fail. He seems very serious, talks about our future r-ship. and says he loves me. (We couldn't meet yet as he is working daily, due to severe corona restrictions too.) Now that corona is "waning" with less restrictions, he said he wants to come to me and Mum's house for a week in August, go with me to the beach, spend time etc. So things are getting or could get serious.

Now, 3rd part. Don't call me crazy but in April, I suddenly developed a strong wish to reconnect with P, the guy from 1st part. I just wanted to clear things up and see if maybe we could stay in touch as friends as our chats were always so enjoyable. I fully expected he was still not serious about meeting though, so probably it wouldn't work. I found him on FB and messaged, and he was taken aback in a good way. He could hardly let me go when I had to leave and we spoke regularly for a few days. I said I wanted to see him on cam, and to my surprise I did see him, and was positively surprised and I thought he looked good for his age. Now, this guy is 51 and I am almost 28. Again, don't call me crazy, but we hit it off immediately, it felt like things had changed for the better, he was also happy we reconnected. But well, he says even though he shouldn't, he "still loves me and misses me", and keeps talking that I would make his life perfect if I were willing to be in his life. We talk on video calls and he looks and sounds totally genuine. He even says he'd be willing to change his life in order to have me in his life. He has two kids, one is slightly older than me and still lives at home, and each have kids of their own. He even says he'd give me kids if I wanted them, although he's older, and he would take care of me and look after me, etc. Not just to impress me. I just really really like him. But at the same time, I worry about him being 70 in 20 years, dying before me, and many other things. I said I'd visit him where he lives, he was very up for it, he even told his children basics about me, but that'd be once corona is over.
And the other thing that is weighing on my mind is the other guy, who I also genuinely like even though we don't speak on video calls, and I am just confused and don't want to lose or hurt either, esp. not as friends.

What are your thoughts? What would you advise me, please? I think I get along well with both. Should I even let D come over in August, should I tell him about the other guy (I think that would kill things btw. us)? Or should I shoot the r-ship. in the foot before he gets attached? I am soooo confused. Please don't just say "P is much too old and it will never work" as that is what my friends think, but I also think true love can surpass that and you can deal with difficulties. He just seems so frank and genuine.

Please help, and thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I'm very interested in your thoughts.

My thoughts are simple after having had a long distance relationship for years way back in high school (late 60's).....stick with guys who are actually in your immediate area to get in relationships with. Too many things can be lied about & faked over a distance because you can never see their actions between your times of communication. You have no idea if they are being honest or not cause you never actually are in their presence to observe body language IRL.

I personally wouldn't waste my time or energy on a long distance relationship that has no chance of becoming anything REAL. Love develops with time & actual connection with the person IRL. They & you can hide the things that would irritate the other person. Love long distance is infatuation about what you wish you had in a relationship you can actually experience without all the UNKNOWNS.

Clichéd as it sounds, there is a big chance you already know in your heart which relationship you wish to pursue. Perhaps you are hesitating because the other sounds convenient/socially acceptable or something else. Try to clear your mind of all externalities and concentrate on what your heart desires. Usually that relationship makes you the happiest. There is no guarantee you won't regret letting the other go sometime in the future. But regret is a part of being alive.

Are you in therapy? It is interesting how you seem to be attracted to older men (P is 51 to your 28 & D is 10 years older), so maybe a pattern worth exploring.

At the end of the day, you are an adult. So, it is your life and your decision. However, you did ask for our thoughts, so here goes.

Man 1: a relationship which started with lies and deceit shows you the true colours and character of said person. He knew how young you were and he lied and pretended to be somebody else, so as to reel you in. It is unlikely such a character would change. I see red flags. And that is *without* taking his age into consideration and his ensuing 'baggage'. You might not think age makes such a difference now but twenty-three years make a heck of a lot of difference. You won't have much, if anything, in common.

Man 2: you don't really know him either, apart from - again - being much older. You had a 'whirlwind romance' where he already showed his jealousy?!

I would be careful as there is a world of difference meeting someone online or even long-distance versus a real-life connection. That is when you generally get to know someone and/or if you could be good life partners.

I don't find any of these choices attractive and instead, see red flags. My advice would be to say 'move on' and look for a guy who is in your geographical vicinity (rather than an online or long-distance persona) and closer to your age.

Eskielover, thanks for your thoughts. Just to clear up, I have no intention of having a long distance r-ship. I would be happily prepared to move if things got serious between me and either of them, as I love both places and have been there for some time so I know what they're like. So that is not a big issue for me. Now what do you think of each? : )

Hey. Again I have no intention of being in a long distance r-ship., but would happily move for either if it got serious. I've been to both places for quite awhile and love them. I also like both and well, maybe it is just me but 10 years to me does not seem like a big difference. So I have little incentive (or even opportunity) to go for somebody else. But either way, what would you do in my situation, knowing the above?

Having been in your situation , ldr wuth an older man I met online, who lied and was deceitful, I agree with the majority who say neither. You would move for them? Did you meet them on a dating site? Did they propose marriage? Have they met your friends and family? What do you have in common? These both sound like infatuations.

I did reply already in my earlier post. See bolded part below:

Oh and if he is 23 years older when you were 13 he was 36, that’s a pedophile and what he did was groom you. Reading your posts , I would say absolutely not to either. Do you have a diagnosis yet? It looks like you’re taking antipsychotic? Also do you have a job yet? It looks like you just stay home all day? Correct me if I’m wrong.

i think the decision should be up to you since you do know them better than us i think. i suppose that the second guy may be a better option due to several things. However i don't feel too comfortable in telling you what to do. i think you should follow what you desire but also take in consideration the future. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that the age difference may become difficult to deal with. Definitely try to think about this. i'd say get to know at least the second guy better in Real Life and see if things seem to be working. As for the first, see if you think it is worth it to pursue a relationship. Please do remember that if you take a decision you may disappoint at least one of them either way. Don't feel guilty about that as that is just how it works i think. i Hope you will make the best possible decision for yourself and others. Stay Safe. Stay Strong. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Jellyfish18, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, Ok?!

I think neither one.

P was 36 and spoke with you intimately when you were 13, lying about his age for years? That in itself is an unforgivable dealbreaker for me.

Due to covid if I were you I would not allow someone from overseas to visit me at my parents' house.

I definitely do not think that you should move away from your country, as you suggested, to be with any guy you only know online now. That is way too risky.

What interferes with you meeting people where you live? If covid, wait until meeting people is safer. Don't take major risks with these online guys.

[QUOTE=Bill3;7094693]I think neither one.

P was 36 and spoke with you intimately when you were 13, lying about his age for years? That in itself is an unforgivable dealbreaker for me.



Good post. A lie like that, for years, is an unforgivable deal breaker for me.

Well, I do know D personally, I just had video chats with the other guy so far as that is what opportunity allowed, but I would be happy to visit him and see how it goes. Maybe I should mention I always planned to move anyway, to both of those places at separate times, so this is just an opportunity to me, not a hindrance. I loved staying in both places and wanted to settle there somehow.

Obviously it is not much of a dilemma since it sounds like you have already made up your mind & counter anyone that says NEITHER choice is a good one.

I personally would never move anywhere because of a person. I would move to where I want to live because I want to be there as an independent person then make friends as I get established. BTW, I left my marriage & moved 2100 miles away to a little farm I bought in a town where I knew absolutely NO ONE. For me, independent is the best way to go until after years of knowing someone to know if they are compatible being around them a lot.

I met one on a chat/socialising site, and I met D in real life, as I said in my OP, he lives next to my relatives. I went out with him a few times and met some of his friends, too, and I guess if he comes in August, he'll meet some of mine. I only had the opportunity to do video chats with P, but I will be happy to visit him when corona restrictions are loosened etc.

I expected the negative comments about P in a way, but surely D is a sure option? Either way, it is my decision, I forgave the first but am very confused about how to decide.

What do you know about D? Is he single? Employed? Housed? Sober? Well? Are his values and/or beliefs compatible with yours?

As someone else said you sound like you have your mind made up.

He is single, employed, and all the rest and yes technically he is compatible. The only mind I have made up right now is that I would go for one of them, but which is a difficult decision and hence this thread.

An option is to not decide until in your heart you know.

If you cannot figure out how to decide right now then perhaps your heart is not yet ready to decide.

Why do you have to decide today?

So the guy who claimed to be 2 years older than you was lying. You have to be joking to believe you can trust him ever, with anything.

I agree with this. There was someone who lied to a relative about his age by 5 years. That might not seem ''too bad'' but it turned out that he was/is a sociopath

Maybe not today, but soon. D is coming over in August and things have the potential to turn serious. So I don't know whether to tell him now there is somebody else in the picture, too, before he gets potentially attached more and before I have to disappoint him/let him down worse. Or whether to tell him before he leaves. But it is possible he will want to quit the "r-ship." if I tell him that I have my mind split btw. two options.

I guess it would help my decision to go visit P in his country, but right now my finances are tight so that wouldn't happen before at least 4 months on, so that would prolong the decision and I think D would want to know why I'm not allowing things to get serious btw. us soon.


By the way, thanks to all for your efforts in advising. I am thinking about it.

Ok first of all who’s offering you a relationship and what does that entail and second of all you shouldn’t pay to go see any man.

Well not sure what you mean by "entail". D wants to be in a relationship with me and for now he sounds serious (will see how it goes in August btw. us) but so does P and he sounds quite serious. He says he and his family would look after me and says to him, I seem just perfect, but he understands I want to meet him first and decide if I like him or what.
To be honest, I know that seeing D will just make me more confused and attached (as I already know him), seeing P "might" be helpful but it's all about how we interact and the chemistry, and it works and is there even on camera. And I hate the thought of hurting or losing either ...

So are you looking for a daddy?