Hi guys. I wasn't expecting so many responses.

I will think about it. I don't know if I can just get a new therapist though. I am really dependent on her. She has told me that some people rely on their therapist their entire lives and I think I'm one of those people who cannot exist without having someone who cares. The more time that passes the more desperate I'm starting to feel to speak to her again and make this right. I will try to talk about things to her and say that I don't want her to do certain things anymore. It has worked in the past for a while. I don't think she is cruel, she is a kind and nice person, it's just I get easily upset about things. She's told me I'm very sensitive and that makes me get more affected by things than most. She's only human and I think she has feelings for me because we've been seeing each other every week for many years. It's not a crime to fall in love with someone, but like I said before I can't love her because I only love one person.

If feelings weren't involved in this I probably would get a new therapist, but feelings are involved so I don't think I can. I am very shy and it's hard to open up to new people. This therapist was my first therapist and if I imagine my life without her it terrifies me. I'd be completely alone. I need someone to understand and there is always the chance a new therapist wont. I could also never report her. How could i betray the only person in my life who cares about me and ruin her life? She worked hard for her career and it's not like we've had sex or anything like that. She has just done / said things that I think she probably really shouldn't have. If I were a different person these things probably wouldn't have affected me as badly as it has. She is a good person, it's just a lot of the stuff she's done over the years doesn't feel right because of things that happened to me in the past. She said in the last voice mail that I'm at an important point in my recovery and I just need to trust her. I do trust her I do, but maybe my subconscious doesn't or I wouldn't have ran away or ignored her calls to begin with. I should probably contact her soon because she also said she's worried about me. I didn't mean to make her worry. I just needed time to think, but each day that passes the more panicked I'm feeling because I'm making myself alone. If I never speak to or see her again, that would be it. Nobody in my life will understand me anymore and the person I'm really dependent on will be gone from my life. I was very broken for years after what happened between me and my groomer. When I met my therapist sometimes I genuinely did feel happy. She did a lot of good things too, I just mentioned the weirder or bad things so it paints her in a very poor light. An example is Birthdays and Christmas she always puts so much effort into getting very personal and meaningful gifts, nobody else has ever done this for me but my PE teacher. Christmas is coming up and she's the only person who actually puts effort into getting me presents, who makes me feel like I matter. The rest of my family either don't get me presents at all or get me crappy gifts with no thought put into them. My therapist doesn't just say words, she actually does actions to show just how much she cares. I like having someone who cares, but it feels damaging at the same time.

Why did she have to say she cares about me? It makes this so much worse. Why did she have to say she won't abandon me? These words are so painful to me. I think they're painful because it's exactly what I always wanted to hear, but it's coming from her. I was abandoned and I'm terrified of being abandoned again. All I ever wanted was someone to care and she said she cares. Accepting these things is a mistake, it must be. I've heard these words before and it destroyed me. Her saying these things is destroying me. But maybe it's just because these are the words my teacher said? If I was a normal person words like this wouldn't feel so damaging. Maybe it hurts so much because it's exactly what I needed to hear? This feels so complicated and my emotions about this situation feel all over the place, but pretty consistently I'm feeling confused and inner turmoil.