I think my therapist is in love with me

Hi guys. I am going to try and talk about my therapist here. It's probably going to be a big post as I've been seeing her for several years now. I just wanted to state that I cannot love my therapist, however I am posting here because I don't know where else to post on this forum about this as she's made it pretty clear she loves me.

I am seeing my therapist because I have very severe social anxiety and suffered childhood sexual abuse. If you're not easily triggered you can read about that on my recent post on the Survivors of Abuse section. I did try to leave the link here however I haven't got enough posts to be allowed to do that yet. A lot of what I'll be talking about here won't make sense unless you read that post first. I have shared extensively with my therapist about my abuse and pretty much all of the most important things she's said and done relate to it.

When I first met her she was very friendly with me, almost too friendly I guess? She was smiley, chatty, a lot of eye contact and asking for hugs at the end of every session (Which I refused). I've been seeing her once a week for many years now. She has said and done a lot of weird things over this time frame. I found it hard to understand her as sometimes she acts very unprofessionally with me, then the next week she is very cold and holds up boundaries. The effect is I was left extremely confused and didn't understand why she did what she did the week prior. It seemed to be a cycle, I will try and give some examples.

She'd compliment my appearance and call me attractive. I didn't know what to say at the time because it caught me off guard and I got really embarrassed. I was not used to getting compliments like that and it seemingly came out of nowhere during one of our sessions. Afterwards she asked me if I was alright and what was the matter. I said I wasn't used to compliments like that and she responded I will have to get used to them and gave me this flirty look. I didn't know what to say so just looked at the floor and she changed the subject. The following week she was completely different with me, very cold and upholding boundaries, didn't compliment me. Seemed very strictly business.

Another time we were talking about my childhood sexual abuse and she was asking a lot of questions about it that I thought seemed off. She asked what I liked about my groomer. She asked how and where he used to touch me. She asked if I had ever been touched by a person since then and some other stuff. When I told her I hadn't been touched since she started telling me how important touch is for a human being and placed her hand on my thigh. It made me really anxious and she moved her hand away afterwards and apologized, but said we would "work on it". I am shy and quiet so didn't ask her what she meant by this. I spent a lot of time thinking about it, did she mean working on touching me? Surely that wasn't what she meant? The week after that she was cold with me again. She wasn't smiley or complimenting me. She was pretty professional for the most part. At the time this only confused me even more.

Another time she asked me a lot more questions about my abuse and the sorts of things my groomer would do and how. It didn't seem like therapy to me. She kept asking questions about details like how I was being touched, for how long, where and stuff that just seemed excessive and like she didn't need to ask. She wanted to know a lot of the details that seemed irrelevant. She also asked me about how I feel about my groomer. I explained I feel very strong emotionally towards him, but not sexually. She then asked me if I was gay and when I told her I was straight she said "I'm sure you'll make a woman one day very happy". It just seemed like a really out of place thing to say to be honest. She also asked me if I watch porn, which I refused to answer. I went quiet and she said "if it's not a no, it's a yes." I have never had a therapist before, but I'm not sure if they should be saying things like this. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to betray her or make her lose her job, especially when all she did was say a few things. Our sessions had been going on for many years and I had built good rapport with her. I have severe social anxiety so it's not like I could just switch therapist easily anyway.

I also remember a time where she had bought me gifts on multiple of her good days. Each time she seemed to put a lot of effort into them and they were very personal gifts. Some of the gifts however were even very expensive, like when she bought me the newest iphone. She said she has a lot of money from her career and nothing to spend it on so just wanted to cheer me up. I was so overwhelmed by the gesture it didn't feel right to take the gift, but she said she'd be upset if I didn't so I apologized and took it. Then afterwards she asked me for a hug, but then said no when I reluctantly went in for the hug??? She then said she needed to uphold boundaries with me because she was an authority figure and went on to explain how she has a position of power over me and then compared herself to my PE teacher who groomed me as they both had a position of power over me. I did not say anything at the time, but I was really confused by this, like why would she even compare herself to him? It seemed off, a lot of it did. I would think about it for hours and hours going around in my head trying to figure out what is going on. I still think about this interaction a lot to this day, it was so confusing and didn't make sense.

This is going back a while, but it was shortly after the lockdown due to the covid pandemic. When I got to her office she was wearing rubber gloves. Now to some people that wouldn't be an issue, but for me who's sexual abuse was linked to that it made me really uncomfortable. She apologized and said it was just for her safety due to Covid. She then asked me how seeing an authority figure in gloves made me feel. I stayed silent because I wasn't comfortable. Then she reached forward and put her hand on my shoulder and said "Are you aroused by this?" I said no and she said it's fine then. Right afterwards I started crying. She then apologized and explained she was only wearing them due to covid and that it would be good to normalize them around me because I will be seeing them a lot due to pandemic not going away any time soon. She said I clearly have trauma related to the gloves so she'll have to work on it with me. She then started asking me questions about my childhood sexual abuse while resting her hand on my shoulder. It felt uncomfortable and weird, it felt wrong and not safe. After that session I went home and cried so badly. I don't know why I cried because she didn't actually do anything wrong she just put her hand on my shoulder. I'm certain the situation would have been fine in normal circumstances, but we weren't in normal circumstances. The Covid pandemic had just happened and to me rubber gloves were associated with my grooming and sexual abuse. I tried so hard to dismiss things in my mind, to make excuses for what happened. It was just me! I am the one making things weird.

It has been a long time since the Covid pandemic, but she has continued. Every so often she will put on rubber gloves during our sessions and put her hands on me. She doesn't grope me, or massaging me or fondle me, but she does put her hand on me or hold me. It feels intimate to me, even though we're both clothed and there isn't any sex involved. I thought deep down she does this on purpose to make me feel uncomfortable, but I wasn't sure. I just wasn't sure why she was doing it. She always has an excuse "it's to normalize touch again for you" or to "help you come to terms with your trauma". It didn't feel right though and I told her it didn't. She told me that healing is uncomfortable and I just need to keep going with it until it feels as normal as shaking someone's hand. I asked her why does she have to wear gloves though and why specifically the same colour my abuser wore as it makes me feel really vulnerable and she said it's because healing will involve vulnerability and I need to learn to trust her fully.

I do trust her. I've told her more about my abuse than anyone. I rely on her very heavily and became extremely depend on her over the years. I just feel like maybe things are repeating again. I know it sounds stupid, but when she did / does these things it makes me feel like the grooming and sexual abuse I experienced as a child is happening again in the present. I've tried putting my foot down and asking her to stop with it and she does for a short while, but she brings it back later on and says she cares about me and wants to help me heal and to just trust her.

The words "I care about you" cut through me like a knife. Nobody cares about me. Why did she say those words? Why did she have to say that? If I feel so uncomfortable and conflicted why cant I just get a new therapist? Why do I show up every week? Why do I feel like I need her? What is wrong with me, why am I feeling like the same child I was even back then?

Despite everything she did so far I didn't tell anyone. Most recently however she did something that made me feel like I should seek guidance from somewhere. I don't want her to lose the career that she worked so hard for and I don't want to destroy her life, but last week when I was in a session with her she pulled up her chair next to me and told me that she doesn't have anyone in her life she cares about more than me. She then hugged me. I was in shock at the time, but it felt good to feel wanted and cared about. She also said she will never abandon me and that she knows what I need. Right after this she then placed her gloved hand on my upper thigh really close to my crotch. This terrified me and caused me to panic really badly. I freaked out so bad I got up and ran out the door without saying anything. She has called me several times leaving voice messages acting all professional asking me if I'm OK and saying that I just need to work with her through my trauma. I don't think I left because of the trauma though, when I was being groomed the touching wasn't so traumatic, I think what made me leave is I'm terrified of history repeating itself. I am terrified of opening my soul to another human being and them discarding me after utterly destroying me.

I think she is the only person in the world who cares about me and actually knows me, but I think she is also psychologically damaging me. I can't love her and don't see her in a sexual way. I've never liked her that way. I just love my old groomer and no matter how many things she does to try and be like him she'll never be him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I shouldn't go back to her, but I think I will because I'm so dependent on her. I rely on her, I rely on having someone to spill my guts to. Someone to look into my very soul and not look away in discomfort like I'm some broken mentally ill thing.

I can't love my therapist, but I do care about her deeply. I feel like such a mess and like I'll never be happy. I'm straight and in love with the man who groomed me and discarded me like trash. Several years later my female therapist tries to fill the gap he left behind and all I do is run away. I feel so confused and conflicted. Why does this keep happening to me??? Why can't I just be happy? She is a nice person, but I feel so scared. What the hell is wrong with me!? I'm 27 years old and have never kissed a girl, never dated, never had sex with a girl because I'm so traumatized and severely anxious around people. Then one breaks down barriers with me over several years and actually wants to fill the void in my heart and all I feel is terror and despair. I don't understand this and have nobody to spill my guts to about it so came here before I decided fully on what to do next.

Hi Luke, welcome to MSF!

While I don't know anything about your therapist, her training, or what kinds of therapy she claims to practice, some of what you've said about her sets off alarms for me. For instance:
She seems to have that backwards, in my experience. If she actually does have a valid point there, I don't understand what it could be.

Assuming always that you, your therapist, and I all mean more or less the same things by "healing" and "trust"...

For me, healing and trust seem to be just two different manifestations of a bigger process. As I've worked through whatever might have been keeping me from healing, I've found almost incidentally that I was more willing to trust -- myself as well as others. And as I've worked through whatever might have been stopping me from trusting (myself and/or others), I've found that experience healing in itself. None of that has looked even remotely like, "If you want to heal, then first you have to trust me."

This could very well be just me, but it seems as though the people I've known who seemed the most intent on getting me to trust them ("for my own good", of course) have eventually revealed themselves not to be especially trustworthy. By contrast, the people I've known who over time have proven the most trustworthy, have also been the most willing to let me find out for myself when I felt ready to trust them and when I didn't. I don't seem to recall them ever making an issue of whether I trusted them or not. It was as if they were aware of no reason on their end why I shouldn't trust them. They seemed to assume that if I ever came up with one that they hadn't been aware of, I'd run it by them first instead of straightaway playing "Ha! Gotcha!"
Again, this is just my impression but she seems to be making your therapy (and your trusting her or not) all about her. I imagine her thinking that if she can get you to trust her, or to show signs of healing, or at least to let her try out her novel ideas about therapy on you, it'll somehow prove that she's OK -- or that if you were to choose not to go along, that would be like throwing in her face that she wasn't OK after all. She seems to want you to get better to make her look good.

I can easily picture her wanting to lead you along and allow you as little choice as possible in what happens to you -- because, what if you were to choose something that didn't help her see herself as the great therapist she wishes she were?

I'm not in any position to advise you to distance yourself from this therapist as gracefully as possible. That's what I'd do in a situation like that, though.

To me the touching alone is highly inappropriate and something you could report her for. Can’t tell you what to do but like Fooze I wouldn’t stay with this therapist and I might possibly report her. You can find another therapist who may be able to actually help you rather than further traumatising you.

This therapist is either incompetent or abusive or both. Report her ASAP snd never go back

I read both of your posts. I'm so sorry for your trauma, I had something similar. Get attached to a person who used me for his goals. And I tend to repeat this, unfortunately.
In my opinion, the therapist behaves inappropriately. Like the teacher in your story, except for little differences. You're repeating a traumatic experience.
No one therapist should ruin your boundaries or force you to remember traumatic episodes, if you don't want to, now. Presents are unprofessional, like other things you mentioned.
Report her and change the therapist immediately. There are a lot of professionals that can really help.

I would get out of there very quickly! What she's doing is unprofessional and kind of cruel. It sounds as though she needs supervision or psychiatric help.

Hi guys. I wasn't expecting so many responses.

I will think about it. I don't know if I can just get a new therapist though. I am really dependent on her. She has told me that some people rely on their therapist their entire lives and I think I'm one of those people who cannot exist without having someone who cares. The more time that passes the more desperate I'm starting to feel to speak to her again and make this right. I will try to talk about things to her and say that I don't want her to do certain things anymore. It has worked in the past for a while. I don't think she is cruel, she is a kind and nice person, it's just I get easily upset about things. She's told me I'm very sensitive and that makes me get more affected by things than most. She's only human and I think she has feelings for me because we've been seeing each other every week for many years. It's not a crime to fall in love with someone, but like I said before I can't love her because I only love one person.

If feelings weren't involved in this I probably would get a new therapist, but feelings are involved so I don't think I can. I am very shy and it's hard to open up to new people. This therapist was my first therapist and if I imagine my life without her it terrifies me. I'd be completely alone. I need someone to understand and there is always the chance a new therapist wont. I could also never report her. How could i betray the only person in my life who cares about me and ruin her life? She worked hard for her career and it's not like we've had sex or anything like that. She has just done / said things that I think she probably really shouldn't have. If I were a different person these things probably wouldn't have affected me as badly as it has. She is a good person, it's just a lot of the stuff she's done over the years doesn't feel right because of things that happened to me in the past. She said in the last voice mail that I'm at an important point in my recovery and I just need to trust her. I do trust her I do, but maybe my subconscious doesn't or I wouldn't have ran away or ignored her calls to begin with. I should probably contact her soon because she also said she's worried about me. I didn't mean to make her worry. I just needed time to think, but each day that passes the more panicked I'm feeling because I'm making myself alone. If I never speak to or see her again, that would be it. Nobody in my life will understand me anymore and the person I'm really dependent on will be gone from my life. I was very broken for years after what happened between me and my groomer. When I met my therapist sometimes I genuinely did feel happy. She did a lot of good things too, I just mentioned the weirder or bad things so it paints her in a very poor light. An example is Birthdays and Christmas she always puts so much effort into getting very personal and meaningful gifts, nobody else has ever done this for me but my PE teacher. Christmas is coming up and she's the only person who actually puts effort into getting me presents, who makes me feel like I matter. The rest of my family either don't get me presents at all or get me crappy gifts with no thought put into them. My therapist doesn't just say words, she actually does actions to show just how much she cares. I like having someone who cares, but it feels damaging at the same time.

Why did she have to say she cares about me? It makes this so much worse. Why did she have to say she won't abandon me? These words are so painful to me. I think they're painful because it's exactly what I always wanted to hear, but it's coming from her. I was abandoned and I'm terrified of being abandoned again. All I ever wanted was someone to care and she said she cares. Accepting these things is a mistake, it must be. I've heard these words before and it destroyed me. Her saying these things is destroying me. But maybe it's just because these are the words my teacher said? If I was a normal person words like this wouldn't feel so damaging. Maybe it hurts so much because it's exactly what I needed to hear? This feels so complicated and my emotions about this situation feel all over the place, but pretty consistently I'm feeling confused and inner turmoil.

I am not surprised you are attached to this awful therapist. It’s not uncommon for victims to be attached to the abusers. Think how attached you are to a horrible man who abused you. I can ensure you she’s not in love. That’s not it. I I understand you find it hard to detach but could you at least try to look for other therapists and maybe have one session? What this horrible woman is doing isn’t therapy.

I think this is the biggest red flag @123Luke123. Each time I have had counselling, the clear objective at the start has been to get to the stage where I no longer require therapy. My last and most successful counsellor said that the aim was for me to become my own therapist.

I really feel for you. I think, as others have said, your therapist is abusing you. It’s wrong.

Do you have other health care professionals that you could seek advice from, your Doctor perhaps?

That is not a therapist - she is unethical and needs to be reported. What she is doing is abuse.

Yes, love can exist between humans. However, love does not mean forcing oneself on another (which she repeatedly keeps doing), love does not mean disregarding the other's boundaries (she violates how you feel, dismisses what you want for the sake of pushing her agenda and satisfying her needs). Is that your definition of love?

She does a lot of things wrong. She is pushing you into feeling unsafe instead of instilling safety and regulation. She keeps re-traumatizing you. She is causing harm.

Because this is exactly what is happening - her actions (i.e. boundary violations) are retraumatizing you. Your trauma response is reverting back to a powerless child. Would you treat a child like that and call it love? This is abuse.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are responding appropriately to a situation where you keep being re-triggered. You do not feel safe with her. Heck, your own body keeps telling you to run.

Quote:

All I ever wanted was someone to care and she said she cares.

Are words enough for you? Does it reflect care when someone says they care, yet their actions are damaging, frightening or traumatising? You call that love?

She is keeping you dependent and unsafe. This is not care. This is not love. And this is most certainly not therapy. This is a predator preying on someone who is vulnerable.

You need to get away from that woman. She's a therapist. She shouldn't be crossing boundaries like that, blatantly making you uncomfortable. Maybe she's bottom-tier therapy, maybe she's intentionally going after you, either way it's doing more harm to you than her.

Please report this woman. Keep in mind she has other clients too who may experience something similar, and the more people speak out the better.

You writing all this shows you know it's messed up. I know you said you're dependent on her, but you don't have to be. She's just a therapist, you're her client, do not let her get paid for stressing you out in a traumatic way. There are other therapists, ones who care and don't force contact.

I have trouble with being touched too. You know how I work on that in therapy? Talking about when other people touch me, and what to do when I feel different things from different people. Not by having that one person make me feel unsafe touch me (which I guarantee will only make the aversion worse, but probably make you feel bad for enforcing boundaries and let other people walk on you more further down the line).

Trust me, quicker she's gone, the quicker you'll recover.

Leave this therapist. Take back your control. Don’t continue to place yourself in this situation where your trauma is being reenacted by a completely unethical, manipulative, and abusive “therapist”. She doesn’t care except for what she can “get” from her power over you.

Advocate for your own safety and mental health. You do have a choice here, and you are going to have to the person to take action for yourself. She will not do it for you.

Leave. Report. Never contact her again.

It’s not going to be easy, but the longer you stay under her control, the longer it will take for you to recover.

It sounds almost as if you're addicted to... something about this situation as well as the earlier situation that you described in your original post. It feels good to you, you don't like the idea of doing without it, and even if you knew without a doubt that it was harming you, you'd still crave it. Although addictions often involve abusing alcohol or drugs, they don't have to. Here at MSF we have an Addictions forum with sub-forums focusing on gambling addiction, TV and Internet addiction, sexual addictions, and smoking.

I personally haven't heard of any recovery programs designed for people with addictions either to abuse generally or to abuse by a therapist. Even if such programs are nonexistent (or too hard to find), I think you might still benefit from talking/listening to people who are dealing or have dealt with other kinds of addictions.

In the language of addiction recovery, I think your therapist could easily pass for co-dependent.

Hi. I've read everything people have said multiple times. I would have gotten a new therapist, but I am too dependent on her. I couldn't even last a week without contact. I was terrified of being alone and that nobody else in my life would ever understand me. Only two people have ever understood me in my entire life. One of them abandoned me like I was worthless. The other one is actively trying to reach out, help and support me. The relationship still feels so damaging, but what would be worse was to go back to existing without a single person caring about me or understanding me, that terrifies me. I feel completely lost without having at least one person who understands and cares about me. I think maybe the word co-dependent fits here to describe our relationship, but I'm not sure.

I did end up texting her and we have talked over the phone and she apologized for what she did and said that she didn't mean to push me away or make me feel too overwhelmed. She told me she was really worried about me and that if I had never contacted her again she would have lost her reason for waking up for work in the morning. She also told me she cares deeply about me and said she will make things up to me on our next session. It feels painful every time she tells me she cares. I think I'm just so broken that even though I'm desperate for someone to care I can't accept it because I'm terrified it's not true or that they will abandon me after I accept it.

I told her just how unsafe she made me feel and that I felt like the same child I did back when I'd been abused in the past. She said that was intentional to get me to come to terms with what happened and to help me become comfortable with touch. She asked me about the future and if I would ever want to date a girl and have children some day. I said yes because I do, I just don't know how I ever could with the way I am. She said she wants to help me achieve my goals and I just need to trust her. That is what a lot of this has been coming down to though, I just don't trust her and that's why I panicked and ran away. She said she was hurt I don't trust her completely yet after all this time and everything I'd shared with her. I felt guilty for making her feel that way after meeting her for so many years and sharing so much with her. I do want to trust her, I just worry she'll do the same thing my PE teacher did, especially since she's been doing some of the other stuff he's done already. It's just sometimes I feel like a lost child with her and like I'm back then but in the present, I know it sounds dumb. She makes me feel so vulnerable and uncomfortable like I did back then, even if it's to help me come to term with things I still feel the way I do and the memories and feelings associated with then come back too.

I've told her before I will never be able to love anyone but my PE teacher, but she still told me she loved me when our call ended. I never said anything back because I felt sick afterwards. I tell myself I can't love her, she's not my PE teacher, she's just a therapist. I think the words "i love you" from her make me feel so sick because it's the sort of thing my PE teacher used to say after abusing me and I was so foolish I believed every word of it. I don't think she's a bad person. We're all human, even therapists. I just have issues and reject love out of fear. She knows my issues though, she must know just how badly that man hurt me. She knows the massive hole he left behind in my heart and why I could never love anyone else, but still she told me she loved me. Everyone wants to feel loved, but love is just poison to me. It terrifies me. Maybe that's why she said it though, it's hard to know what she's thinking because I'm not the therapist. She seems to be saying or doing a lot of things associated with my trauma or that I feel uncomfortable with.

Enough people here have told you this isn't a good relationship, and nothing you just wrote will change anybody's perspective. She's just justifying her abuse of position over you. "It's okay I remind you of someone who fked you up because I'm trying to get you comfortable with an action that traumatized you in the same way even though it makes you feel the same now as it did then," does that sound okay? Logically, step back out of your shoes, and ask if that sounds reasonable?

I agree with this--it also jumps out as a big red flag to me. It should be up to you, 123Luke123, if you want a therapist to help you feel more comfortable with touch. It should only be done with prior agreement and your consent.


The thing is, your history is leading you to think it's OK, that there's something wrong with you for running away. When really, you're listening to the signals in your mind and body that are telling you something isn't right here. It also sounds like she's "love-bombing" you, which is something that abusers do. I understand wanting someone to care about you, I really do. But she sounds harmful. I'm sorry.

I want to write a little more, @123Luke123
'would have lost her reason for waking up for work in the morning' sounds like blackmail (my ex says the same). No one should do this, not your partner, and especially not your doctor.
I can understand how you feel because I thought of a man who behaved with me like your therapist: "There will be no others like him, and he is the only one who understands me." I tried with him for several years, but if I were braver, I would already be on my path to happiness.
They (people who use you in their goals) are lying, that they care. They just care about themselves. People are imperfect and have many flaws, even therapists.
You should take care of yourself. I feel sorry for you, remembering how I justified my abuser.
I came to the conclusion that only me the person I could trust. And if I feel bad, I need to change something. Because it's unnatural.
She is dear to you, but you write like you feel not good. It's a habit to be connec1ted to such people, and it becomes worse with time.
Love should bring joy, not pain.

You may feel like a ''lost child'' but you are an adult.

She is *not* behaving like a therapist, which you are refusing to accept. Moreover, your concepts of what it is to love or care about someone is all messed up. It's like seeing a fire pit in front of you, yet you consciously choose to jump right in despite your own inner guidance and despite the advice given to you here.

But you know what, at the end of the day, it remains *your* decision whether to stay with her or not. In your own words, you do not trust her nor feel safe with her. Your own body is screaming at you how unsafe it feels & to run from her. Yet, you are choosing to stay. She cannot do anything to you (or with you) without your consent. This is where accountability comes into play - you are an adult, you have will, you have agency, you choose whom to give consent to or not.

You have chosen to give consent. So, from what you write, she will most likely do exactly what your PE teacher did. With your consent, this time.