@NovaBlaze Thank you for your reply and for reading my long and confusing post.

As far as seeking professional help, I have wanted it for many years, but money has always been an issue and only in the last couple of years has the panhandle gotten a state funded mental health facility, but it's so understaffed that nobody knows what's going on and wait times are 6 months to a year just to see a non-licensed therapist. They're all still med students. I have still gotten myself involved with them though, for better or for worse, but so far all they've done is prescribe me bupropion XL and mirtazapine, which seem to be doing something to stabilize me somewhat. I might get to see a therapist by the end of May or start of June, but that's only a maybe.

On the other hand, I went out on a limb and spent 100 dollars I really didn't have this past Saturday and saw a real psychiatrist and therapist provided by Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas. All mental health tele-visits on MDLive are 50 dollars flat rate, but that's still above my pay grade if I'm honest.

What the two doctors I saw Saturday told me differ from what the Texas Panhandle Centers (TPC) have said. I'm grateful for the Affordable Care Act, but I wish the coverage was just a little bit better. I can't pay out like that very frequently so I don't know how well they can assist me, but I'm doing everything I can to stay with it.

You mentioned reading, and I have tried to start reading "CBT for Dummies" that was sent to me by an online friend, but I find the content to be very confusing and I have no idea how to actually start changing the way I think about things. It has some great information in it, but I don't know how to apply it.

I really hope that I can move on from this job that I'm not so fond of and find a new job doing something I enjoy more that also pays better, like aluminum welding which is my actual trade skill. There's just not much of a market for it here. I was born in the wrong part of the USA for that kind of work, but escaping here is impossible without several grand to move with and find a new residence to live in once I find a place more suited to me.

I won't give up, but things are very slow and I'm growing more and more impatient.