Do I Actually Hate My Job?

Hello all, this is my first post on MSF. I'm not sure how long this might be, but I tend to write a lot about my feelings so you might be in for a lengthy read.

A bit of history - I have been scared and anxious my entire life. I was born into a broken home with parents who were more concerned with partying than taking care of the kid they never wanted. I was called a mistake and a problem since I started having memories. My folks split withing a year of my birth and both of them tried like hell to escape having to raise me, and when they couldn't get my grandparents to watch me, pay for me and otherwise care for me, they treated me like dirt. It was constant beratement and screaming about how I ruined their lives and I would never amount to anything and all I did was screw up and fail at anything I tried. This was the norm up until I was 30 years old, as I chose to be a caretaker for my very ill mother despite how she treated me. Only in the last 2 years of her life did she start actually loving me and stop talking down to me.

Fast forward to June 7, 2023, mom passed away (I will ultimately make a post about this event, as it's a contributor to my anxiety and depression but it's very complex and long). A family friend who was at the funeral approached me and asked me what I was going to do for a place to live and a job, and offered me a position at his RV shop. Considering I lost my home and all my belongings upon mom's death and I didn't have any avenues, I took the job despite not knowing the first thing about RVs. He helped me get a studio apartment that I stayed in for a few months, but rent was too high and I just couldn't make it work with what he was paying me. It's a small time operation so the pay is not great either. Boss offered me an older 5th wheel trailer that I could pay off at my own pace and I could park it at the shop where I could have free water and electricity. He was (and still is) doing everything he could manage to help me out since we're like family. My situation remains the same today, I still live at the shop where I work. I'm here alone and watch after the property after hours and work during the day.

Now here's where I get to the anxiety part of this longwinded post. I have always been afraid of failure, largely due to any time I messed up even the smallest thing, the amount of trouble I would get in was ludicrously out of proportion. Now I have nobody to yell at me, my boss is far too soft spoken to get on to me, as are my co-workers most of the time, but it's so ingrained into my soul that one screw up will result in immediate full blown punishment that I'm always shaky and scared to death to even try to complete a repair regardless how simple it might be. If I have time to stop and think about it, I know that nobody is going to fly off the handle and get in my face and fire me even if I mess up, but there isn't usually time to stop and analyze things like that during work so I'm constantly a ball of nerves to the point I can't think or function properly and actually end up making mistakes.

Even as I sit and type this post and wonder if it's too long and anybody looking at it might be annoyed that I write so much to get a point across, I am dreading having to wake up tomorrow and go 100 yards over to the shop to work. I spend every evening after work stuck contemplating and fearing having to go the next morning. The only time I have that I can stop being so anxious is Friday nights and Saturdays, and that's only if I know my boss isn't going to call me with a request or that I might have to deal with a customer after hours. In all actuality, I'm actually a lot more capable than I give myself credit for, and most of the things I do I can do well, but the anxiety is supremely dominant no matter how many times I tell myself there's nothing to worry about.

I can't say that I particularly like the work itself. It's dirty. There's sewer work (its worse with an RV than residential plumbing. There's holding tanks. Ewww) and lots of laying on the ground in oil, dirt and mud, and sometimes {ahem}waste. Its also physically demanding and I've had a few severe injuries in my past that limit how much I can do. My back is fried and it can be a problem with some tasks. I know I can do the work with quality though and even though it's not what I prefer, I can at least survive on what I make here. My whole question is: do I feel like I can't stand this job because I don't like the work itself, or is it just the anxiety that I want to end? The reason this is important is because I am reaching the point that I need to make a decision on whether I'm going to settle for this being my life, or do I want to keep my hopes and dreams of having a good paying welding job and a nice big home?

I am not satisfied with this post and I don't feel like I conveyed the question I'm asking properly, but I've written so much at this point that I've worked myself into a frenzy and I just want to hit submit so that I can stop being scared of judgment from you guys. Dang anxiety never leaves me alone, not even when I sleep. I don't even want to go to sleep because that means I have to go to hell (work) sooner. I just want to be able to function without feeling this way every second of every day. I'm sorry this is so long and convoluted. I think too hard and too fast to be able to put my thoughts to paper, or in this case, a screen, and it creates half-baked posts such as this.

I'd be grateful for any feedback or thoughts anyone has about what I was able to get out. I kind of want to go make a few more posts about some other things really affecting my current life, but maybe I should only do one at a time before I get the whole forum upset with me. Yall have a good night.

@nobodynoz1113, I am sure you’ll find lots of supportive people on here, and many who understand the effects your anxiety has on you.

Your post resonates with me, because anxiety has had a huge detrimental effect on my life. It has caused me a lot of internal pain and suffering. I particularly understand your fear of making even the smallest mistake, and the effect this has on your confidence.

Over time I have learned to manage and adapt, but certain situations, events or people can still trigger it. I have a particular issue with health anxiety, as well as general anxiety.

I can see why your anxiety issues are clouding your thoughts around whether you do or don’t like your job. This is perfectly understandable. High anxiety levels cloud any kind of decision making, and often make it impossible to do.

Have you ever sought help from professional healthcare people, with regard to your anxiety?

When I first became aware of the effects of anxiety on me, I did quite a lot of self-help reading, and this did provide me with some comfort - not least in understanding that I am by no means alone in terms of suffering with excessive anxiety. There is a wealth of information and support available online, as well as books.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s one magic solution (or medication) that can make this just go away. In my case, it has taken a lot of patience (with myself), support from my family, doctor, counsellors, and generally reading and becoming aware of tools and techniques that can be used to help me cope and function.

I hope you feel confident enough to continue posting on here. I always find it interesting reading about other people’s experiences.

@NovaBlaze Thank you for your reply and for reading my long and confusing post.

As far as seeking professional help, I have wanted it for many years, but money has always been an issue and only in the last couple of years has the panhandle gotten a state funded mental health facility, but it's so understaffed that nobody knows what's going on and wait times are 6 months to a year just to see a non-licensed therapist. They're all still med students. I have still gotten myself involved with them though, for better or for worse, but so far all they've done is prescribe me bupropion XL and mirtazapine, which seem to be doing something to stabilize me somewhat. I might get to see a therapist by the end of May or start of June, but that's only a maybe.

On the other hand, I went out on a limb and spent 100 dollars I really didn't have this past Saturday and saw a real psychiatrist and therapist provided by Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas. All mental health tele-visits on MDLive are 50 dollars flat rate, but that's still above my pay grade if I'm honest.

What the two doctors I saw Saturday told me differ from what the Texas Panhandle Centers (TPC) have said. I'm grateful for the Affordable Care Act, but I wish the coverage was just a little bit better. I can't pay out like that very frequently so I don't know how well they can assist me, but I'm doing everything I can to stay with it.

You mentioned reading, and I have tried to start reading "CBT for Dummies" that was sent to me by an online friend, but I find the content to be very confusing and I have no idea how to actually start changing the way I think about things. It has some great information in it, but I don't know how to apply it.

I really hope that I can move on from this job that I'm not so fond of and find a new job doing something I enjoy more that also pays better, like aluminum welding which is my actual trade skill. There's just not much of a market for it here. I was born in the wrong part of the USA for that kind of work, but escaping here is impossible without several grand to move with and find a new residence to live in once I find a place more suited to me.

I won't give up, but things are very slow and I'm growing more and more impatient.