Today’s session was good. We talked about how I’m feeling both really connected with her and still guarded. That led into talking about how I feel I’ve been too hard on her. I told her that before her leave she told me I had a right to judge her. I said that’s not true, I have no right to judge anyone. I apologized. I told her that I felt like I was punishing her by still holding onto my hurt. And that I had grief because her whole pregnancy all I felt was pain and never got to feel joy. I apologized for that, too. But I told her that I was so grateful she let me touch the baby before her leave. I apologized for calling her stupid. She said she actually felt connected to me when I said that. I apologized for being upset that she got pregnant accidentally or not. I apologized for hurting her and making her cry. She, of course, was gracious, giving me reasons for my feelings. I asked her if she would help me with all of these things and she said yes. She said we will probably be working on these things for years to come, just in different ways. We wrapped up with a self-care plan.

That was very hard for me, but it also felt good getting it all off my chest. I’ve been holding onto all the guilt and shame for my behavior and feelings for a while now. I never felt it was right or appropriate to bring up and apologize for in an email. My apologies are sincere. I shouldn’t have put her through what I did. She didn’t deserve that. No one does. I’m not saying I didn’t have a right to hurt, but I didn’t have a right to hurt her. She says that it allowed us to work through a lot of things that might have not come up if her situation didn’t happen. She said we will not let my pain go to waste. I told her I don’t want her pain to go to waste either.