L’s Maternity Leave

Hugs, Scarlet. Could it help to think you don't need to re-engage right away, that it could be gradual? Like put less pressure on yourself to connect?

And I'm sorry about the treatment not working out. Is TMS still an option?

Yes. I’m going to try to listen to myself and be open if something doesn’t feel right. L said all I need to do is come as I am and be honest. No expectations and no judgment. Still scared!

TMS is still an option, but with everything that happened with the treatment clinic, I’m going to find a different one. H wants me to get rid of my pdoc, so I probably won’t do it there. There are 2 other clinics in the area? I’ll probably look into them. I’m just not sure when yet.

How did it go, Scarlet?

It wasn’t bad, but it was extremely hard. Harder than when I got to see her in May. Maybe because this time I know she’s back? I honestly don’t remember how the time was spent. I cried a little a few times and I cried a lot at another point. I really have no memory of why. But we did some breathing and I was able to calm down.

I wish I could remember something, anything that was discussed. I know she even reviewed it at the end. I haven’t really been struggling with my memory that much until today.

Hugs, Scarlet. I know when I'm really anxious, I have trouble remembering things, so maybe it was that for you. Could you maybe ask her to give a brief summary of what you talked about?

Great point, LT.

There's been such a build up to this, Scarlet.
It makes sense that you found it hard, and struggled to remember what you talked about.

The more emotional I am in a session, the harder I find it to retain the conversation.

Hoping you can be gentle with yourself until you speak with her again.

Hugs,

Lost

I texted L that I was struggling and that I couldn’t remember session. She summarized without me having to ask. I cried in session because talking about the push-pull was too overwhelming for me. That makes sense because it’s overwhelming even when not talking about it. I feel so torn with her. From wanting to run back to her and attach to her to wanting to keep her at a distance. Sometimes wanting to end it all. And I’m stuck right in the middle. It’s painful! And it’s even more painful discussing it with the person you feel this way with. Like I don’t want to tell her either side (even though she knows they exist). Explaining it though, the feelings. It’s really difficult. I feel very vulnerable with her. Part of me feels safe because of our history. But another part of me reset and she feels like a stranger, dangerous. I feel weak because of my depression and also because she knows me so well. Like she has an upper hand. It almost feels like what I felt when she told me about the pregnancy: being stuck between wanting to stay and wanting to end it. I guess it is the same.

Yes, you both are probably right. There was a lot of anxiety and a lot of emotion. Maybe too much for me. But her summary did bring it all back.

I'm so glad L could summarise the session for you.
It's a lot to expect yourself to adjust within one session.

Would it feel helpful to ask L to write something that reassures you about the relationship?

I've found it useful to have something to 'hang on to' during times when I've felt disconnected from R.

There’s something wrong with L. She was supposed to email last night and she didn’t. I still haven’t heard from her. H says she’s just busy. But the email was an important email. Based on her patterns, I fear there is really something wrong. I’m extremely worried. She would know this too and wouldn’t leave me hanging if it was just “busy”. There’s nothing I can really do but wait. If I don’t hear from her by tomorrow, I’m calling the office and/or her partner.

Hugs, Scarlet. I really hope she's OK. Maybe there was a problem with her email or, say, she lost power at her house, so it's not something with her personally? Have you sent a brief follow-up, like "Just following up--concerned about whether you're OK" or something like that?

I sent her a text this morning asking her if she’s okay. I haven’t heard anything. I don’t want to spam her if/when she does get her messages. I know she would know I’m worried and if she could update me she would. I mean she messaged me personally the day the baby was born. I’m sure she would contact me by now if it was a power thing. It’s selfish, but I hope it’s not personally her. I would lose it. This has to be something major. She told me quickly when someone close to her died and needed to take off. I don’t know what this could be. I just keep thinking the worst. I’m extremely worried!

Totally misread that. Sorry, LT. I guess that would be best case scenario. Her email didn’t go through and she’s out with family today and didn’t see her texts? I so hope so!

Something happened. She didn’t give details, but she says she’s okay and all is well. She said she didn’t mean to hurt me and that she should have texted. She also apologized twice. I’m just glad she’s okay. That’s all that matters. That was scary!

I'm glad to hear she's OK, Scarlet.

I hope you can find some ways to help yourself settle after this.
I know how hard it is to worry about someone you're close to.

Hugs,

Lost

I'm glad she's OK! Seems your instincts were right that something happened. And I'd have been scared, too (I have been a couple times when I didn't hear back from Dr. T, as he reliably replies to emails during a certain window each morning).

Thanks Lost and LT. I’ve been able to calm down a lot since hearing from her. She did later explain some of what happened: a lot of family problems and a trip to the ER. But again, she said everything was okay. She was just overwhelmed and exhausted.

It is so scary when something happens to our therapists whether we know what’s going on or not. If we don’t know, it’s not like we can really pick up the phone to check in. Most have work phones and if there’s something wrong, they probably won’t be next to it. But even if we do know, it’s not like we can be there and support them like others can. Therapy is a very difficult relationship to navigate.

And a lot of us know the patterns of our therapists. So something as simple as timing can really trigger fears that something is happening. Of course we tend to assume negative. If I’m not mistaken, we’re programmed that way. But we don’t know what’s going on. Just something changed. It’s hard.

I’m really glad she’s okay.

Absolutely, Scarlet.

'Something as simple as timing can really trigger fears that something is happening.'

You're quite right about our being programmed that way.

A workshop facilitator at an event I attended explained that the brain is like 'Velcro for negative emotions, and Teflon (non-stick) for positive emotions.'

It's so important to have ways to respond to ourselves with compassion when these things happen out of nowhere.

Hugs,

Lost

Oh, I like that quote, Lost. Dr. T was recently saying how I just seem to hold onto negative things that people say and forgetting the positive. How he thought it was sad. And it's not something that I do intentionally--like you said, more that I was programmed this way.

I agree about it being scary when something happens to our therapists or if we don't know what's going on. If it was a family member, say, there's probably someone else we could contact to check in on what's happening or at least someone to be scared with us. And we also can't be there to support them, even if we wish we could be.

Second session was okay. It’s still hard seeing her and getting to talk to her in real time. I once again don’t remember most of what we talked about, but I didn’t get upset in session, so I’m not too worried. I did feel like a scarcity feeling which causes pressure to make what I do have with her perfect. But of course, I don’t even know what perfect would look like. We did my self-care plan. And then we said our goodbyes. It went by fast. Probably that and not remembering is making it feel like session never even happened. It’s just hard.

Hugs, Scarlet. Have you tried taking notes during session? I know you're doing virtual for now, and I find it easier during those. I've started having a notebook with me to write down anything that I particularly want to remember (though I wouldn't want to be writing the whole time because that would take away from the connection).

Just wanted to note that I saw R, Dr. T's backup, yesterday (he's on vacation), and she said the same quote to me! I said how it was weird that someone on a forum I'm in just said the same thing.

She was saying how it's totally normal for people to remember the negative and not the positive. That it's just a human thing to do.

I know it would be the logical thing to do to take my own notes. I don’t know why, but I feel resistant. When I was doing my self-care plan with T, I was having to write everything down on my own and I didn’t like it.

After last week’s scare, I’m feeling really connected with and appreciative of L. It still feels scary having her back. It’s kind of surreal. But it’s also familiar. We have been doing shares with each other last week, this week, and next. Simple things like pick a song and describe why you like it. That has been very helpful. We are still texting pretty much daily.

Next Tuesday, she’ll start being a part of my safety plan again. Meaning I can call her when in crisis. I’m not sure I feel comfortable with that yet. I’ve pretty much done it on my own. The one time I reached out to T was very uncomfortable and didn’t help. It felt like “well do you really need me or can you wait for tomorrow”. So I didn’t reach out.

My depression is still really bad. I smoke and sleep all day long. And it’s not because there’s nothing to do. It’s because I literally feel like I have no strength in me to do anything. Even simple things like laundry and dishes. I wait until H runs out of underwear or we run out of utensils. Everything is just so hard.

But I’m still here.

Today’s session was good. We talked about how I’m feeling both really connected with her and still guarded. That led into talking about how I feel I’ve been too hard on her. I told her that before her leave she told me I had a right to judge her. I said that’s not true, I have no right to judge anyone. I apologized. I told her that I felt like I was punishing her by still holding onto my hurt. And that I had grief because her whole pregnancy all I felt was pain and never got to feel joy. I apologized for that, too. But I told her that I was so grateful she let me touch the baby before her leave. I apologized for calling her stupid. She said she actually felt connected to me when I said that. I apologized for being upset that she got pregnant accidentally or not. I apologized for hurting her and making her cry. She, of course, was gracious, giving me reasons for my feelings. I asked her if she would help me with all of these things and she said yes. She said we will probably be working on these things for years to come, just in different ways. We wrapped up with a self-care plan.

That was very hard for me, but it also felt good getting it all off my chest. I’ve been holding onto all the guilt and shame for my behavior and feelings for a while now. I never felt it was right or appropriate to bring up and apologize for in an email. My apologies are sincere. I shouldn’t have put her through what I did. She didn’t deserve that. No one does. I’m not saying I didn’t have a right to hurt, but I didn’t have a right to hurt her. She says that it allowed us to work through a lot of things that might have not come up if her situation didn’t happen. She said we will not let my pain go to waste. I told her I don’t want her pain to go to waste either.