So I did manage to go to T AND AA today after my big fall of yesterday.

I've never really been in "crisis" since starting T....and I guess looking back at the week, that's where I've been. I know there are rules about some types of posts here, so I don't know what I can say....I'll just say it was bad. Yesterday before I reverted to my eating d/o and the drinking, I really thought the next stop would be the hospital for me....and the thing that was so upsetting was that everyone around me - my husband, my mom, my kids, my friends - would then KNOW that "I'm not okay". Appearing to be okay is HUGE for me - I can't stand the vulnerability of people IRL not thinking I'm okay.

So, I had T today. I just curled up in the fetal position in the corner of his couch. I told him everything I had done. He knew how my week had been, because we'd talked/e-mailed - just couldn't coordinate an extra appointment. I asked him "how am I going to feel better" and he said "I'm trying to figure that out". That was kind of scary. I felt like he was lost WITH me - who was going to guide me out? By the end of the appointment, it seemed like he had some more clarity, and a plan, and that felt good - knowing that someone had an idea how we were going to find our way out.

He only works 1/2 day on Friday, so I was the last appointment of the day. He never looked at the clock - it just went until we were done. That felt good - to have an hour and twenty minutes to get patched back together before the weekend. He listened to me, and soothed me, and was so gentle and helpful. At the end, he said "I'd like to come over" (usually he asks how we should end) and he came and sat with me and held my hands in his and told me "You're okay - you're more than okay".

So, I do feel now like I'll make it through the weekend. He's out of town, but told me to call and e-mail as much as I need to so I won't feel alone. And I'm totally going to take him up on that.

Tonight I finally lost it and just broke down sobbing and told my husband everything. We've been married for FIFTEEN YEARS and I just keep up a good front. I finally told him what I go through and how hard it is for me and how alone I feel. I couldn't keep it bottled up anymore. I think he was scared - well, I know he was. I'm the "strong one" - that's always been my role in every relationship since I was a tiny child. I don't know what the outcome of that will be, but I couldn't not do it.

And I went to AA tonight. I'm so, so, so tired - my SOUL is tired. But I can't sleep - I tried. So, here I am on PC.

Whew. Thanks everyone for listening and being supportive. It's so good to have this board.