Today

So I did manage to go to T AND AA today after my big fall of yesterday.

I've never really been in "crisis" since starting T....and I guess looking back at the week, that's where I've been. I know there are rules about some types of posts here, so I don't know what I can say....I'll just say it was bad. Yesterday before I reverted to my eating d/o and the drinking, I really thought the next stop would be the hospital for me....and the thing that was so upsetting was that everyone around me - my husband, my mom, my kids, my friends - would then KNOW that "I'm not okay". Appearing to be okay is HUGE for me - I can't stand the vulnerability of people IRL not thinking I'm okay.

So, I had T today. I just curled up in the fetal position in the corner of his couch. I told him everything I had done. He knew how my week had been, because we'd talked/e-mailed - just couldn't coordinate an extra appointment. I asked him "how am I going to feel better" and he said "I'm trying to figure that out". That was kind of scary. I felt like he was lost WITH me - who was going to guide me out? By the end of the appointment, it seemed like he had some more clarity, and a plan, and that felt good - knowing that someone had an idea how we were going to find our way out.

He only works 1/2 day on Friday, so I was the last appointment of the day. He never looked at the clock - it just went until we were done. That felt good - to have an hour and twenty minutes to get patched back together before the weekend. He listened to me, and soothed me, and was so gentle and helpful. At the end, he said "I'd like to come over" (usually he asks how we should end) and he came and sat with me and held my hands in his and told me "You're okay - you're more than okay".

So, I do feel now like I'll make it through the weekend. He's out of town, but told me to call and e-mail as much as I need to so I won't feel alone. And I'm totally going to take him up on that.

Tonight I finally lost it and just broke down sobbing and told my husband everything. We've been married for FIFTEEN YEARS and I just keep up a good front. I finally told him what I go through and how hard it is for me and how alone I feel. I couldn't keep it bottled up anymore. I think he was scared - well, I know he was. I'm the "strong one" - that's always been my role in every relationship since I was a tiny child. I don't know what the outcome of that will be, but I couldn't not do it.

And I went to AA tonight. I'm so, so, so tired - my SOUL is tired. But I can't sleep - I tried. So, here I am on PC.

Whew. Thanks everyone for listening and being supportive. It's so good to have this board.

I am so glad to read that your session with your T went so well. I've been following your story and can relate to some of it quite well. Good for you for being able to tell your husband about what you're going through. I just recently did that too (married for 17 years). It wasn't easy. I, like you, can't stand the thought of people thinking I am not okay. But, we can't keep pretending. It ends up being too much for us to handle on our own. Keep us informed as to how you are doing!

earthmama, it sounds like a healing session. I am glad your T was there to take care of you.

I too have intense fear of people seeing my vulerability. Above all, I am very afraid that people will see how much I am hurt. It is hard work keeping it all in and hiding how one truly is from the world. Maintaining that dissonance is a constant drain on the system. I am struggling to get out of that and have greater congruence. I am making some progress, but the fears die hard.

It sounds like by sharing with your H, you were getting rid of some of that dissonance. Does it feel at all like a relief? It's scary to think what he might do with it, but it is a step to deepen your relationship and show your self. A risk. Very brave.

Earthmama, sounds like you made it through a tough time!

You should be proud of yourself for making it to T and AA, as well as telling your husband. Those are huge steps to take!

earthmama, I am so glad that you had the courage to go to T and AA. I know it couldn't have been easy, but now you sound more hopeful. I'm glad your T could help you get a little patched up.

earthmama,

Huge congratulations on going to see your T and AA. It's never easy to admit vulnerability, or at least it's not for me anyways, but when I do I'm usually surprised by how supportive people are.

It sounds like you had a good session with T and I'm glad that you had extra time with him.

Take gentle care of yourself.

--splitimage

Wow honey (((((((((((((((earthmama!!!))))))))))))))
Such big steps you are taking. You did it. You got through, you're still safe, you told t, told hubby, and you're still writing. Such big steps. And even AA. Gold star!!
Big big hugs!!!!
Kiya

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So I did manage to go to T AND AA today after my big fall of yesterday.

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I'm so happy that you did!!!
That takes real courage to pick yourself back up like that. I know it was tough.

The rest of what you went through was too, but you made it through the worst I think. When does T come back?

Get some sleep. Insomnia makes everything worse.

((((((((((((((((((( everyone )))))))))))))))))))

T is just gone for the weekend. He'll be there for my appointment on Monday.

The overwhelming feelings started coming back last night, but I tried to do the things T told me to do to get through the weekend. I reminded myself that feelings aren't emergencies, they're just information. Of course, I don't know what the information IS or what to do about it, but I hung on to the "not an emergency" part. I read on a suicide prevention thing to just get through today. So, I told myself last night, I just had to get through last night. And now it's today, and I just have to get through this day.

T wants me to learn to give myself grace. So when I start thinking "why am I like this, I'll always be like this, other people can handle things better than I can, etc, etc, etc", I'm trying to stop and just let myself BE without so much judgment. Not easy.

So, I'm still kind of hanging in here, I guess.

Sounds like you are doing everything you can
and good that you continue posting and processing.
glad your t will be back soon!!
many hugs! kiya

You are so brave and working so hard.

(((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))
((((((((((( pinksoil ))))))))))))))

I can't wait for today to be over so I can stop "getting through today". Ugh.

I see T tomorrow. I can't wait for that hour of feeling safe.

Hi! Just wanted to tell you that I understand how hard the conversation with your H. was. I was in the hospital several weeks ago for 2wks. I was diagnosed with acute stress disorder. It was pretty obvious things had gone bad when I was on the floor of the grocery store sobbing cause I couldn't figure out how to choose a vanilla ice-cream.

Anyway, my H. visited me one evening and I had spent the whole weekend planning to finally tell him EVERYTHING. I also try to hide symptoms, disorders etc. I just couldn't do it anymore. We have been married 28yrs. It was sooo hard and he looked scared and panicked. It didn't end well that evening. But, after he had some time to digest what I had told him, it got much better. By the time I came home from the hospital, I felt like our marriage had moved to a new level and I didn't feel the strain of always pretending. Sooo exhausting. Hope it goes well for you.

Tulips

Please be easy on yourself, hugs!

(((EM))) Sounds like you are facing this set back directly. I'm glad you were able to go to therapy and your meetings and have even reached out to include your H. I hope this disclosure has positive results.