**Trigger icon applied for brief mention of SI and suicidal ideation.

Hi all.

Thanks for your replies. I did find the pillow that session and I buried my face in it.

I don't know where to begin to explain what happened because we had a minor misunderstanding about the time of my session. (Of course I was right and he was wrong...resulting in a 15 minute loss for me). T called me in the parking lot and I'm thinking WTF? I thought I was 3 minutes early! It turns out last week he thought I was late, and I thought I was early but neither of us said anything. But I just really felt like T and I were on different planes this week. That threw me WAY OFF. I really needed him and it felt like he wasn't with me at all. I do believe it might have brought up some of the pain from missing him while he was on vacation.
During the session, I was mad at him and he asked if I wanted to sulk. I started to laugh, but I was still mad at him. He said something stupid about pro-rating the session if that's what I wanted and I said it wasn't about the money. He's such a jerk sometimes.

I was really very young this week in therapy and my poor little self wants to tear her skin and has suicidal ideation when she feels like she has been rejected or abandoned.

I crashed into a depressive episode. When this happens it's like a free fall. We traded phone calls and connected briefly yesterday and he said he didn't know what to say when I was crashing like this. I panicked when he said that. I told him he could begin by being less abrasive because I just couldn't take it anymore. I was sobbing. Every time I thought about him or spoke to him I started crying. I was leaking all over. We had to hang up because he had a client.

The weird thing was that as soon as I walked into my classroom I was able to turn it off/completely compartmentalize and move into the lesson as if nothing had happened!

Last night I wrote him a very long letter and told him I was planning to take a week off to protect us both from the poison that was in me. Afterward I took 2 klonopin and crashed. I realized this morning that running is not the solution here, but I'll tell you that if I woke up feeling the same I could not have spoken to him at all today.

This morning he called me again and I spoke to him and told him I wasn't saying anything because I had finally gotten myself into a place where I can make it through the weekend. I told him about the letter and that I would read it to him on Tuesday.

The part that scares me is that I had trouble self regulating. Sometimes when I crash I just go into a freefall and it is difficult to see any light at all. I get very frightened when I feel like that, but I am trying to remember that it is a young part of me who was not cared for and that I am now the adult who can be the caretaker. That is the part I lose sight of.

Oh boy, therapy is so hard. I know it's an understatement but my goodness, I am really beginning to know my wounded self and if I knew a little kid who was now going through what I experienced I would want to hug her and take such good care of her.

Sigh sigh sigh