Where was the pillow?

Joining in the ranks of those of us processing today's session.

I am all over the place.

When I got to his office there was a really soft, plush and rather large blanket on the couch that had never been there before. It was really cold in his office, but I acted like the blanket had always been there and just pushed it aside. ?

Where was the rough, burlap, uncomfortable pillow I am accustomed to hugging?

He asked me how I felt and I told him I was very, very tired.

I was sitting with my feet on the edge of the couch hugging my knees. He asked me to notice my posture and I said I was folded. He asked me what that meant about how I felt and I said I was little. He agreed and said it's normal for us to regress and be in a child state but it was equally important to acknowledge and take care of ourselves whatever state we are in. I'm not so sure about this (what he actually said). I hate it when that happens. I'm not sure about whether he was being critical or not, although I don't think he was.

I talked about a problem I've had at work and he challenged me saying I was acting out of a child state, recreating some scenes from my childhood. I told him I was pissed off at him and he said he knew. But I was able to be po'd and continue through the session--recovering myself. I talked through the anger. (This, even though I kept looking at the clock, an unusual escape wish for me.)

There's a part of my relationship with my H that T is pushing me to take care of myself on. I'm having a really hard time with this concept.

I feel like he's pushing me to notice things because I'm falling into a depression again and he knows it.

(OMG as I write this he just returned my call....)

I called him after session and left a message because I felt like he really doesn't understand one aspect of the disagreement and that has to do with my being / feeling / like I am completely alone with not only the financial responsibility but the care of my son. And this has been true for a long time. Like many working mothers, I have been the one who has had to live with the anxiety of calling in sick to work on days when my kids were sick and getting to work late because I have to get the kids to school (my current problem).

I bet his wife used to take care of those tasks while he saw clients!!

During session I made reference to some stupid things I did while he was away.

Oh yeah, by the last ten minutes I was busy holding the blanket like a security blanket and braiding the fringe on the edge.

I'm sad. I'm blah. I'm confused. I'm so so tired.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss C )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Your first visit after the vacation was such a good one. Do you think this visit had some delayed anger for his leaving you??

I'm glad he called you back.

It sounds like you have a lot to process from that session.

((((((((MissCharlotte))))))))
Glad you could work through some of your anger. How cool to have your t read a book with you!

(just need to add--I HATE it when my t changes something in her office!!
She said she might get rid of her rug and I said "NO!!", I have every pattern memorized and like to look at it * maybe to distract!*, but change really bothers me)

Yeah, I look at the rug too.

I'm struggling. Sad. Yeah, I want the old pillow. Definitely do not like the change.

Is bad to regress? Are we supposed to be fully integrated adult selves? My child self feels rejected and very sad and lonely. Is she a bad girl? Did she do something to make T angry or critical? Does she need to hide?

I feel like he changed too. What was this session about? Sooo much there.



Maybe the pillow was underneath that blanket. I'll look tomorrow.

(((((((MissC)))))))),

Fear not! I have found your pillow!

"Where was the rough, burlap, uncomfortable pillow I am accustomed to hugging?"


Your T must have had it out being embroidered! It was well worth the wait, no?

I hope you are feeling better soon. Yes, regression is to be expected. You're still on the right path, you're just going over some potholes in the road.

((((((((((((miss charlotte))))))))))))

I hope your session goes well today, Miss C, and that ALL of you feels accepted and loved.

And I really hope soliaree's pillow is there!!

Charlotte, what a great session! You are so lucky to have a therapist who is focusing you on you at the moment! This is one of the techniques that was used with me and that I continued to use on myself. It really is a winner.

Charlotte, you are who you are and you are where you are at. You got here because of your experiences. Please do not be ashamed of who you are or where you are. I had to learn this lesson and it was a very liberating one. It is so helpful to accept and love yourself right where you are. This is really the only way to move forward more easily. I also found myself a young child emotionally. Unless we develop while growing up we will just find ourselves underdeveloped emotionally as adults. This wasn't our fault. We were only children. We aren't supposed to raise ourselves. As adults we can take responsibility and finish the job.

So take that little girl by the hand, give her a big hug and move forward without shame....

Yesterday was an awful session.

I found the pillow, but I feel like I lost T.

(((((((((((((((((( Miss C )))))))))))))))))))



What happened???

**Trigger icon applied for brief mention of SI and suicidal ideation.

Hi all.

Thanks for your replies. I did find the pillow that session and I buried my face in it.

I don't know where to begin to explain what happened because we had a minor misunderstanding about the time of my session. (Of course I was right and he was wrong...resulting in a 15 minute loss for me). T called me in the parking lot and I'm thinking WTF? I thought I was 3 minutes early! It turns out last week he thought I was late, and I thought I was early but neither of us said anything. But I just really felt like T and I were on different planes this week. That threw me WAY OFF. I really needed him and it felt like he wasn't with me at all. I do believe it might have brought up some of the pain from missing him while he was on vacation.
During the session, I was mad at him and he asked if I wanted to sulk. I started to laugh, but I was still mad at him. He said something stupid about pro-rating the session if that's what I wanted and I said it wasn't about the money. He's such a jerk sometimes.

I was really very young this week in therapy and my poor little self wants to tear her skin and has suicidal ideation when she feels like she has been rejected or abandoned.

I crashed into a depressive episode. When this happens it's like a free fall. We traded phone calls and connected briefly yesterday and he said he didn't know what to say when I was crashing like this. I panicked when he said that. I told him he could begin by being less abrasive because I just couldn't take it anymore. I was sobbing. Every time I thought about him or spoke to him I started crying. I was leaking all over. We had to hang up because he had a client.

The weird thing was that as soon as I walked into my classroom I was able to turn it off/completely compartmentalize and move into the lesson as if nothing had happened!

Last night I wrote him a very long letter and told him I was planning to take a week off to protect us both from the poison that was in me. Afterward I took 2 klonopin and crashed. I realized this morning that running is not the solution here, but I'll tell you that if I woke up feeling the same I could not have spoken to him at all today.

This morning he called me again and I spoke to him and told him I wasn't saying anything because I had finally gotten myself into a place where I can make it through the weekend. I told him about the letter and that I would read it to him on Tuesday.

The part that scares me is that I had trouble self regulating. Sometimes when I crash I just go into a freefall and it is difficult to see any light at all. I get very frightened when I feel like that, but I am trying to remember that it is a young part of me who was not cared for and that I am now the adult who can be the caretaker. That is the part I lose sight of.

Oh boy, therapy is so hard. I know it's an understatement but my goodness, I am really beginning to know my wounded self and if I knew a little kid who was now going through what I experienced I would want to hug her and take such good care of her.

Sigh sigh sigh

LOTS of hugs to you and your little one! Do hold her tight!!!
Kiya

Such a great impulse. Take care of her, MissC, take care of her. You can give her what she needs.

I am sorry you are experiencing freefall. Take care. I'm glad you are not skipping a week but going back on Tuesday.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss C ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I hope you can feel this love for the little you inside, and show it to her. What does she need to feel loved? Can you give it to her?

Therapy IS so hard, it's just ridiculous sometimes. And it scares me when my T says things like your T said ("I don't know what to say when you're feeling like this"). I feel like "hey! ONE of us needs to know what to do!". But I think your T is being honest, and he taking care of you as best he can, by giving you these phone calls, and trying to figure out how he can help. Sometimes. the things that they can give us just aren't enough to fill that big hole inside, you know??

Thinking of you....