Girl, I feel your pain. I will tell you what my experience has been. I was also diagnosed with BPD and bipolar. I was upset with the BPD diagx b/c it is hard to treat. I FINALLY went to a psychatrist and he diagx me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is closely related to BPD. Have you had any experiences with abuse in your life or traumatic experiences?
I have, and I don't feel comfortable sharing here, but I can tell you that it has helped me just knowing that there is healing and hope.
As far as meds, I KNOW what it's like to gain weight and hate meds (Zyprexa anyone????, but you can't go off meds when they are not working. I have learned that the HARD way!
What works for me after YEARS of the med circus is Lamictal and Geodon combined. It has helped me so much, but even with these meds, you MUST be patient (no pun intended!) and wait it out until the correct doasage is found. Keep fighting until you find one that works. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!! And I have no gained a SINGLE pound with Lamictal and Geodon, if anything I've lost some weight b/c I am no longer using food to cope.
As far as suicide goes, I struggle with intense suicidal feelings as well. It is VERY frsutrating because suicidal ideation is HARD to kick, but you can. I haven't 'kicked' it, but I am learning to. You MUST reach out to others for help. Even if you are turned away or feel weird about it, KEEP REACHING OUT! I am not an only child, but I feel the pressure to earn my parent's approval, so in many ways it keeps me from knocking myself off. I also experienced suicide through my cousin's death. We grew up next door to each other and we were the same age. She was 25 and her 5 year old daughter found her. I sang at her funeral and I will never forget what it was like seeing my family in such pain. As awful as it was, it has kept me alive. So, it IS a blessing!
You will make it! Please hold out hope. This too will pass. Keep venting. Find a support group. Are you in therapy?