Lost

Hey, I have a little different issues, much the same though. I actually have borderline personality disorder with features of bi-polar type 2, I can never really find much support for the borderline so i venture into the bi-polar fields. I was diagnosed with this about 3 years ago, this was when the depression part really kicked in, unfortunitly still hasnt changed much. I just havent been happy with life and was wondering what everyone does to help them... i can do some cheap thrills but at the end of the day still hate life, its too boring and depressing, to live in a world with no compassion. I'm at my wits end, If i wasn't the only child im sure i would of commited suicide by now, but the only thing that makes me stay is that i am the only child and i feel bad leaving my parents alone with no family. I just wish i could be happy, yes theres times i get over happy (been in trouble with cops from it) but again in the end its just.. the same, i really have a hard time explaining but i hope someone understands and can give advice, thanks.

welcome,
I think you are brave admiting this to us.
Yes your family would be devastated if you ended your life by suicide.
I lsot my brother 18 years ago, it changes you for ever.
Since you have a bipolar 2 diagnosis are you on meds?
They can be a life saver if on the right ones.
Learning how to treat yourself well and improve your self esteem will help you the most, this takes a long time.
keep posting venting working on yourself, you are worth it!
bizi

thanks for responding.. they had me on so many pills some helped some made it worse and all made me gain weight.. i gained over 100 lbs in a year so it was pretty dangerous.but also while on them, even the ones that made it better made me different. I wasnt sad but i wasnt happy, i missed being happy so with doc support ive been tryuing to control the sad (and extremely happy) without pills.

tell me again why you are better without meds?
I take lammictal which has antidepressant qualities and no weight gain...also am on a dose of geodon that is weight neutral as well.
bizi

well, to not take meds is healthier anyway.. i dont like pills, i try not to take tylenol even, but when i was on meds i wasnt sad but i wasnt happy and i missed being happy. I tried about 5 different kinds and they all caused weight gain as well. Plus it got to the point then when i took the pills i would gag, it was as if my body cant take pills daily. I am working on control. it is soo hard but i have lived with these feelings since i was a kid and when i lost my feelings i felt.. weird. it was great that i stopped crying, but i litterally had no feelings. no happy no sad no joy, just sat there emotionless, the complete opposite now. Im not sure if this is understandable but i cant think of how to describe it...

I have gained something like 45 pounds since going on Depakote. (I'd spent a few years losing 60 just prior and was holding steady.) I knew it would happen. I remember the first day I took it- right before I put it in my mouth- I knew I was making a decision. Well, I'm glad my brain is better than it used to be, but still.... Its a choice. My Pdoc and I had discussed switching me to meds that are more weight-neutral, but she really thinks I react almost perfectly on this- give or take. If I forget 2 or 3 pills in a row, all bets are off! I made a promise to my dad that I would always take them and he has promised to not drink. So far, so good.

Do you mean that you felt numb, emotionally? If so, I had that experience when I first went on Celexa. VERY strange experience!

Girl, I feel your pain. I will tell you what my experience has been. I was also diagnosed with BPD and bipolar. I was upset with the BPD diagx b/c it is hard to treat. I FINALLY went to a psychatrist and he diagx me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is closely related to BPD. Have you had any experiences with abuse in your life or traumatic experiences?
I have, and I don't feel comfortable sharing here, but I can tell you that it has helped me just knowing that there is healing and hope.
As far as meds, I KNOW what it's like to gain weight and hate meds (Zyprexa anyone????, but you can't go off meds when they are not working. I have learned that the HARD way!
What works for me after YEARS of the med circus is Lamictal and Geodon combined. It has helped me so much, but even with these meds, you MUST be patient (no pun intended!) and wait it out until the correct doasage is found. Keep fighting until you find one that works. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!! And I have no gained a SINGLE pound with Lamictal and Geodon, if anything I've lost some weight b/c I am no longer using food to cope.
As far as suicide goes, I struggle with intense suicidal feelings as well. It is VERY frsutrating because suicidal ideation is HARD to kick, but you can. I haven't 'kicked' it, but I am learning to. You MUST reach out to others for help. Even if you are turned away or feel weird about it, KEEP REACHING OUT! I am not an only child, but I feel the pressure to earn my parent's approval, so in many ways it keeps me from knocking myself off. I also experienced suicide through my cousin's death. We grew up next door to each other and we were the same age. She was 25 and her 5 year old daughter found her. I sang at her funeral and I will never forget what it was like seeing my family in such pain. As awful as it was, it has kept me alive. So, it IS a blessing!
You will make it! Please hold out hope. This too will pass. Keep venting. Find a support group. Are you in therapy?

thank you for sharing!
bizi
I too take the lamictal geodon couple and .5mg of klonipin to sleep

Hi blondz,

Sometimes when you're sick, the healthiest thing is to take meds. Last year I was hospitalized with a ruptured appendix...if it weren't for the antibiotics, I could have died.

For me, it's the same with psych meds. I'd rather not have to take anything, but I finally admitted to myself that my brain is not well. That admission took a long time. Just as with the antibiotics, psych meds have most likely kept me alive.

Like bizi, I lost a brother to suicide, and it is awful. He was probably bipolar I or II (I'm II) but never correctly diagnosed or treated. Glad you are hanging in there!

I think my brother was bp2 too....
bizi

I too didn't like the idea of even taking something for a headache...it is something I think you come to terms with...when you can see the benefits outwaying...though I will admit that point is different for everyone. Some days I wonder if I need what I take...I know what the before looked like...I know what the after looked like after finding the right meds...

i think my biggest issue is for all meds i have taken do make me emotionally numb... and that .. i just cant explain, when your meant to be happy youre nothing when youre meant to be sad your nothing. one thing that was good about my non med ways was before they found it was BPD they thought i had depression and prescribed me prozac, i just tossed the prescription and it was a good thing i did because apparently those make you worse when you have BPD. I find it hard to find support because i have no friends, my parents dont truly understand but try and my boyfriend thinks there's no such thing as emotions and at first would believe that all mental conditions are made up to make "difficult" people feel better about themselves because they have something to blame... but he's starting to realize now that its a real thing, i guess he finds me a little abnormal lol.

have you tried lamictal?
it is a mood stabilzer with anti depressant qualities....I feel all of my emotions with this.
sorry if I ask you this already.
bizi

I can understand that...emotionally numb is such a limbo state...based on my limited knowledge BPD and BP should be treated in different ways...BPD is behavioral and BP more chemistry...

Understanding if you are experiencing one or the other or maybe both at the same time may help. For my BPD I went through a class (very good) that helped get more understanding. Some of the symptoms overlap...this can give the impression that a certain dosage of a med is required...might be too much...

I happened to see a T who was the first person to put on "the class" in our state for BPD and is very familiar with BP...there is much more I would like to share...

I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the no friends or people understanding.

thx guys, im not sure if i tried lamictal or not, at the beginning i was like whatever lol. basically i started on low doses of a certain pill then get them higher until it was going to effect me then id try a new one and do the same thing.. and after at least 4-5 different ones, i said PLEASE have mercy and stop, ill try without meds a bit and see how i can cope.. id really like to go to a seminar, but i dont think they really have anything here in canada..