Hi Pheonix,

The fear of having posted and wanting to delete. Oh boy yup . I delete because Im afraid it will be used against me somehow . Or I have shared too much.
it was definately the shared too much thing for me and somehow if i admit to things it makes them real and thats scary - scary to admit i may be out of control

It could be that there may be past abuse not remembered ,

there was a lot of violence in my childhood but i have no memories of it - its all behind a locked door and i threw away the key -

Maybe your at your trauma limit. This event is an accumulation of the other things that have happened on your ward.

thats what i was told once - that i had reached my limit and my resilience was all out

I also was a very strong woman . I had a stuffing copping mechanisum.
me too - shields up - shutdown emotions and autopilot on - but eventually they get out of the box you put them in no matter how hard you try to keep them in

Goodness! . I was crazey to be walking around not feeling anything.

did that for 6 months before a T managed to switch them back on for me - that was a strange time - almost like sleep walking

Maybe your the one whos sane and the others may be in trouble later on.

the other two that were there both had trouble thats why they left - me i didnt leave for 3 reasons -
1- I couldnt think straight, 2- I wouldnt let him win!!!!! 3- I love my job - we get people after car accidents , falls etc and sometimes they come in and they cant do anything and you see them talk of move for the first time since their accident and its like a small miracle and I feel I have had a small part in that miracle - (ok get out the violins! )but i do, and i see them go back to their families and their lives and i feel liked i may have helped them - im not going to let one (there is no word for him) take that away from me.

I have suffered a few panic attacks in my life . They are not fun. coton in your ears can't hear a person feel like your shouting at them and you can't reach them paralized state of mind .

I am sorry that you have had to put up with them - they are a pain in the you know where thats when i lose trust in myself when things like that happen

Im sure these trauma patients felt some panic at being held hostage even if it was for thier benifit. It was not about you it was thier freedom being taken away.

Usually they are just confused, they dont know where they are or what is happening, we are very patient with them, I am good at calming people down, I talk softly and reassure them - somtimes all they get is the tone - but it helps - we fill their rooms with familiar things - pictures of family, picutes of pets, favourite music, I have never had a problem with someone confused striking out - I know they dont mean it - the guy that caused the prob is another kettle of fish - we found out afterwards that he had a history of violence and that day he just wanted to hurt someone, anyone, everyone - yes he had a problem -it was minor - he was only going to be with us for a few days - but the difference was he KNEW what he was doing - dismantled something to make a weapon and then hid and used it

Maybe your afraid to tell how you feel because your afraid you will be locked up .

Maybe, but i think its more to admitting how i feel - saying it out loud - while its inside i can pretend it will go away - i know it wont - but i can pretend

Just express that up front in your session. your safty is of utmost importance right now, discuss a plan of action for yourself .

I did tell my T, she thinks its more about leaving the place I am working at, I am not so sure - but the EMDR has helped - although the sadness still remains... it's like quiksand - the more you struggle the deeper you fall

I have a fear of going down long steep escalators and being locked up. I don't know why I have that . there still my be memories I have not rememberd Im certain there are. I remember having to hide in my closet under clothing and watching the door being opened .
my sister tells me we were locked in a room whilst my dad was breaking in the front door and told not to come out no matter what happened - she doesnt remember what happened and i dont remember the whole event - maybe that was triggered when I was locked in a room waiting for the police - I didnt know what the patient was doing then - if he was hurting the other patients (he wasnt) but that was my main worry and i suppose i didnt know what my dad was doing when I was locked in the room as a child - maybe thats a link

No one should live in such fear.

I agree

One time I approached my own vehical and she let me have it ..LOL!!!!!!
she sounds like a character - im glad you have her - pets can take your mind off your troubles cant they and give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.... or afternoon LOL

Im glad you have your cats . And the males they certainly can attack.
actually its the girl who would attack - the boy is a big softie

Patricia