Strange thoughts

It has been a dark time for me recently but i thought i was getting through it - I AM GETTING THROUGH THIS - then someone i get on with really well was talking to me - we were just chatting and I thought I wonder what she will think of me when im not here - i will miss talking with her - that came out of nowhere - I was not feeling down - it shocked me - i pushed the thought aside - stamped on it and put it through the shredder!!!!!!!!!!!

i know i am still close to the edge but have no conscious thoughts along that line - has anyone else felt like this - am I just going crazier than I already am? I just dont understand - I am seeing my T on Tuesday - I dont know whether to tell her or not - I am holding my own at the moment - I am strong and I can do this - i know i can - its only 2 days til i see her and i dont know what to do...................... how do you trust yourself when strange thoughts come out of the blue like that - and if you cant trust yourself.... who can you trust? i think it was just a momentary thing - a glitch in the system..... im hoping it was.... so do i tell or just let it go (yeah right like im good at doing that LOL)

Yes I have had this too. And talk to T about it.

me, too, P7
yes, letting your T know is a good idea. it does not necessarily mean anything serious, but she would want to know about it.

Thinking of you,
Cap

((( p7 )))))

Yes I have experienced these type of thoughts and I agree that it would be wise to discuss them with your T.

You're not alone, I've had those thoughts. Still, it's a good idea to let your T know you had them, just to gauge things and track how you are doing.

I hope today is a better day, P7.

Hi Pheonix ,

Yes I have had this same senario happen, And it frequently is followed with tears when I let myself follow the thought . Don't set it aside or put it through the shreader . It arose to the surface because because....

Your dealing with a trauma load . It can be lonely. Its no picnic while your at one or listening to just the chatter of someone who may not have experienced the kind of trauma you have . They may have their own loads and have moved through thiers and are prancing through thier lives. Of course a thought of wondering if they will miss you when your gone would arise . You need them to be there and liten to you now.you need them to care, to be aware of whats going on with you.

Your a strong woman to be able to listen to others while having to hold all this stuff inside . Honour your grief process . Allow yourself to be sad for your loss what ever it is. You'll be okay . just keep sharing. And yes tell your T.

Patricia

I also have had the same thoughts. I've also had periods where I get in the habit of praying to God to let me die today. As with everyone else, talk to your t. I never shared w/a t about any of the abuse I experienced as a kid&it's made for a very difficult&almost no more me year after I finally talked about some of it&started to remember more via dreams&triggers. Don't stuff your feelings or cast them aside as nothing even when you know they're disturbing to you. Take them to your t or here&get it out. Stuffing it for 33 years has made me both mentally&physically ill-don't follow in my footsteps-it's a mess! When you stuff your emotions, no matter how painful, it's even more painful when it's all built up to a volcanic level-once it starts it just keeps adding more&bursting out right when you think you're getting the hang of it. That hurts more than if you just get it out as it occurs/is remembered. Remember there are a lot of us here who understand&you'd be surprised at how many "normal" people have the same feelings at least once in their lives. Hope that helps.

thankyou everyone - the minute i had posted that thread i wanted to delete it - but couldnt find out how - and ended up double posting it - now Im glad i did - it helps to know i am not alone in this - that others have had these thoughts - I am just so afraid......and I dont know what of ....or maybe I do - I hate this -this is not who i used to be - this is the new person and i dont like her much - I used to be the strong one - and I am trying so hard to still be that person when I just feel broken inside - like a shattered mirror. I see my T tomorrow for EMDR so hopefully that will help - I just feel so sad and lost.

I wanted to tell the person who i was talking to what happened - she was there with me that night - we were locked in a room for about 30 mins or more waiting for the police to come and make it safe for us to come out - then she was there for the next few hours when we had to have the guy still on the ward - (safe - I wish I still had that illussion - there is no place as safe) we share that bond - but i didnt (and still dont) want to worry her - its christmas - and we have supported each other - although i hardly see her at work anymore - she works somewhere else now - reaching out is always hard for me, as it is for most people.

I think what set me off was the last person who actually worked on my ward who was there that night left - so now im the only crazy person left LOL not that we talked about it a lot - but we supported each other - I just feel so alone and afraid - which is STUPID!!!!!!! I have my attack cats to protect me... that is unless they bring food then my cats would go with anyone! and there is nothing to fear - or everything ...im not sure.

Yesterday I got told that I should really be over this by now - AAAARRRRGGGGHHH - but im not - and i hate it - I think part of me is holding onto the hypervigilence because if I am ALWAYS on high alert then maybe I can stop this from happening again - i am tired of the struggle and feel like i will burst from all the emotions racng through my body -

I only have to get to tomorrow - second by second i can do this - thankyou for your support it means a lot. maybe this is my safe place. P7

(((((((((((( p7 ))))))))))))))))))

Who said that you "should be over this ", please don't let this person make you feel badly. I don't believe that there is a time limit to healing.

it was a Nurse I work with - she has been attacked a number of times - as have i in the past - I have stood inbeteen patients and her before to protect her - the patients were always recovering from major trauma and confused - the difference this time is that the guy knew what he was doing, used a weapon (trying not to trigger anyone) and that it lasted for about 6 hours including the time i had to look after him after the attack - i tried to explain that this was different because of those factors but she cant see it - she just thinks im weak and i ..... i used to be strong ...but now.. I feel ... i dont know what i feel - i dont want to feel anymore.

I am so scared about seeing my T - she is going to do EMDR - and i am hoping that will help - so I shouldnt be afraid - I hate that word afraid - I have told her how it feels like I am in the middle of a storm when things are bad and she wants me to go there in the session - i dont know if I can do that and survive - it is going to be so hard to tell her about how i have been thinking..... second by second I can get through this - but now i seem to be more scared of tomorrow than of my thoughts - i am so tired of being scared.

Hi Pheonix,

Theres nothing in your post I felt I could delete . It all sounds familar to me.

The fear of having posted and wanting to delete. Oh boy yup . I delete because Im afraid it will be used against me somehow . Or I have shared too much. Theres nothing you have written that doesn't sound normal to me from what you have gone through.
People are affected differently by traumatic events. I have read where some who come back from armed services crumble where others are not effected.

It could be that there may be past abuse not remembered , It doesn't have to be the imediate family either that may have caused it. who knows why else. Maybe your at your trauma limit. This event is an accumulation of the other things that have happened on your ward.

I also was a very strong woman . I had a stuffing copping mechanisum. Goodness! . I was crazey to be walking around not feeling anything. Maybe your the one whos sane and the others may be in trouble later on.

I have suffered a few panic attacks in my life . They are not fun. coton in your ears can't hear a person feel like your shouting at them and you can't reach them paralized state of mind .

Im sure these trauma patients felt some panic at being held hostage even if it was for thier benifit. It was not about you it was thier freedom being taken away. Maybe your afraid to tell how you feel because your afraid you will be locked up .

Just express that up front in your session. your safty is of utmost importance right now, discuss a plan of action for yourself .

I have a fear of going down long steep escalators and being locked up. I don't know why I have that . there still my be memories I have not rememberd Im certain there are. I remember having to hide in my closet under clothing and watching the door being opened .

No one should live in such fear.

I have a dog. She is my protector and shes the best. She has nipped a few men. LOL! that were working near by me .For a while I had to chain her . because she was close to strike three. Shes pretty old now . I can leave my car doors open no problem .

One time I approached my own vehical and she let me have it ..LOL!!!!!!

Im glad you have your cats . And the males they certainly can attack.

I agree with Skymonk stuffing this stuff down is what makes you sick.

I hope things go well for you tommorrow. You can share here . there are people reading.

Patricia

I was neglected in a mental hospital resulting in minor brain damage. Reply. I am bipolar, anxietyproblems, OCD, and post traumatic stress disorder. I have really negative thoughts. I am a Christian but, have negative thoughts about God.

I think we've all had those thoughts. I would tell your T about it. Just so he/she is aware of it and that you're have an especially hard time. I'm sending some good thoughts your way.

I dont have many words today, I saw my T it was exhausting - i dealt with some things but was unable to deal with others because I felt i was not going to survive it - I know thats dumb - it was just an emotion - but i was so certain if i went any further it would swallow me whole so we stopped - next appt will be in 2 weeks hopefully.

will come back - but no more words left - sad and i dont know why..... I guess i thought it would get through this today and its still here - thankyou all

.

melinda

and yes stuffing feelings down doesnt work but its a hard habit to break - its hard to be open about things when you have learned that small and quiet and invisible is the best way to be - but im trying - yes I know Im very trying ! LOL

I just wanted to say it was very scary (theres that word again ) telling my T what had happened - I ended up writing it down and letting her read it - there would have been no way I could have said the words - nervewracking whilst she read it - but i think the session went better because of it - as I have trouble admitting to how scared i feel to her.

Had the EMDR and it worked at first then I hit a stumbling block - I was thinking about letting go of my hypervigilence and instead of letting it go i just got tenser and tenser and my hand went into a fist and then the other one started - so we stopped and did something else - I guess im not ready to let that go - in my heart i still think i can keep everyone safe if i remain on high alert - so how can i let it go?

We filled in my "well of sadness" in my mind and planted a tree there - it was a great visual - the well was dark and .... well lets not go there - but the tree we planted was beautiful and it was an apple tree and then she went to her bag and gave me an apple! - made me laugh! first time for ages.

After the session I got really sad again - dont know why - but i handled it - am still handling it -Will see her in about 2 weeks time hopefully for another EMDR session - I have taken a step back from the edge and that is enough for now - thanks for being there P7

We are all human. It's okay to slip up every once in a while. It will get better, just keep trying. Good luck.

I get these to. for me its impulsive thinking and it seems to come when I am stuffing to much. I know it will pass. U r strong and I am glad i KNOW U.

we get through this together, alone I am just a bird with a broken wing, together we can fly

I hope u feel better. I am doing better. I wish that psych central could build its own real community..lol we could all live in the same place.

we do live in the same place - cyberspace! Im still struggling - but hanging in there - take care P7

I agree with everyone else that you should mention this to your T. It's good to recognize the thought, because sometimes those thoughts can lead down a dangerous path when accompanied with certain feelings.

You're not crazy. Hoping you get better.

i did mention it to my T she thought it was about leaving my place of work - I think/feel it was otherwise - i am just so tired of doing this - i just want it to stop - but it is what it is - and i cant change that or make it better.