I've been making such an effort recently, with the way I look and such and with trying to be happy, but yet.. i was so close to reaching out for the blade last night. I was thinking about all the possible tools I could use that were about 7 footsteps away from me..

I woke up this morning and looked at my scars, realising that before, I'd thought they weren't that bad, there weren't that many. But, looking at them this morning, I realised there were more than I had thought there was. I looked at my arms and thought.. All of the older scars have got lighter, all of these newer ones will get lighter, but they'll always be there.. I can't go out without a long sleeved top on to cover them.. Why? They're my scars, nobody should ask questions or think negatively of me, because they don't know what I've been through.. But.. I need these scars.. To show me how I coped, how I'm still here, to show me that after everything, after many attempts at suicide, I'm still here. And to show me that kI coped as well as I could.

I got overly frustrated and have now decided that the only thing that will pass my lips today, apart from the breakfast I had, is juice or water.

The one thing that nags at me at the moment is the fact that Connor's Mum, Lisa.. She bought me a trilogy for christmas.. Dave Pelzer's "A Child Called It", "The Lost Boy", and "A Man Named Dave". Her reason for buying them for me; "I.. Thought.. You know.. They'd help.." and kind of shrugged her shoulders and gave a slight smile/smirk. She thought they'd help, my ***! She wanted me to 'realise' that there are people out there worse off than me, being abused worse than I was in my family life, who have been through a hell of a lot more than me and yet have come through it stronger, with a career, a family, maybe a failed marriage, but that doesn't matter, they've made something of their life. (Dave was abused as a kid.. For over 8 years I believe, possibly 12). I read through both the first and second books in two days and got a quarter of the way through the third book in the second half of the second day.. I read right until the end, including the added bits written by teachers and support workers and such. Dave wrote a piece about fostering and social services and how bad a reputation it's got.. He wrote that "Everyone assumes that once a kid is out of the place where they were abused, everything will get better, easier, they'll forget it and move on. But no. In fact, it gets harder". Know why that is? I would, because I'm stuck in much the same dilemma.. It's because once the child is out of there, they realise that they are "alone" they don't have their "real" family anymore, they wonder why it happened to them, and realise they'll never find the answers now they're out of there, they mull over it every day and every night, crying, raging, confused over everything and not being able to figure it out. Also, feeling torn because they want to go back to the person who abused them, believing it was all their fault, to apologise and make things better, to ask why them?

I'm so stuck in this and I wish that I could thrust the book in both Connor's, and Lisa's faces and say "read this. Then you might get why the ***** I'm not over it after a YEAR, after having all that abuse for almost 12 years!" Because wheneverI get upset about it, or try to talk to them about it, saying "I guess the reason why I feel so unworthy of help and such is because of the way I was brought up" they just say "Oh for *****'s sake! That's in the past! It was a year ago! Get over it, move on, stop thinking about it, leave it out. All you ever do is ponder on it. Listen to the people who actually give a damn about you, who actually want to help, who actually feel that you are worthy of their time, believe what we all say!! Throw away everything That Family ever said to you, it's in the past!"
I get so enraged. I sit there, clench my fists and teeth, push my feet hard on the floor, tense up completely, holding back my rage and storming off, or just disappearing, walking away to try and console myself..

Connor asked what was wrong last night and I told him that over Christmas I'd had fun and such, but I just wish that Dad and everyone were there too, that I'd realised that I'd only ever spent one christmas with my Dad, and I don't even know if I did, I'm just guessing.. And I'll never spend another one with him, nor my foster Dad, nor my adoptive family (not that I'd want to spend it with my abusers.. But it would be nice to be with my Twin..) He went off the wall "ugh.. why do you think about this if all it does is make you depressed? I thought you had fun at christmas, but no, you got all depressed, as you say you were 'hiding the tears'. You can't just have fun can you without thinking about something bad to bring you down!" I explained that yes, I had enjoyed myself and had fun but it's the first time in my life I've had time to think about it.. Because it is... And quoted Dave's sentence to him about gettin out of the place and he complained about that, saying congrats on proving how hard my life is.. It enraged me even more, so I just shut up after that. He spoke to me and calmed down and things were ok then.

I just wish that.. That I'd done something before.. That I'd told the police about all the abuse.. I can't now.. It's too late.. i have no proof.. I mean they could do brain scans and such to prove my mental state's rather crappy, but what would that do?! I did say something the night the police picked me up after The Adoptive Mother had threw me across the kitchen, taken chunks out of my hips, tried to strangle me and such.. I told them about my adoptive brother.. But they said "well.. Do you want to make a statement now, or shall we give you a call in the morning so we can take you in then?" I took the latter and they never called me.. So now.. It's too late and I'll never feel justice or peace at all.. The reason I met with my twina nd The Adoptive Mother was because I wanted to make things okish again, so that I could ask them why me? And find out what happened to make things so bad, despite me putting so much into everything..

Why Me? Why didn't I just go to the police and get it over and done with? I guess it's because they believe The Adoptive Mother and Father when they said that I punched The Adoptive Mother.. Couldn't believe it when the officer said "well, it cancels it out, so you wouldn't get very far.." I cried in that instant.. He ignored me..

Blah. I'm done. Finished. Fed up of being walked all over like a doormat no matter how hard I try to make everything better it all just gets worse..