Bye Bye Happy Me..

...Why can't I just stay happy for the rest of my life? I mean, of course there'll be times when i feel down, but not like this.. Please? I'm so fed up of the slippery slope and having that as the only thing I can see..

I really need a friend, or someone.. Anyone.. Who understands, who I can talk to, who will be there to listen and understand me and help me.. I need it, I really, really need it.. I haven't felt this need for ages and the days of crying and nights of crying myself to sleep are back again.. in a way it's a good thing, because it means I'm only into the beginnings of my depression, but I know it's not gone away.. I'm so tense, I can feel my neck aching and twinging from aching so much..

This hurts.. Feeling so alone, so unwanted and fed up one minute, then the next minute being really happy, bubbly, excitable and having fun, then all down and depressed, lonely again.. God, i don't want to slip down that road again, please! I beg you, me, anyone to not let me slip down that slope again. I can feel it and I hate it, I'm losing grip and I can't hold on until next Monday.. I see my cpn, hypnotherapist and doctor then.. i need to get out of here, i need to. I can't live here much longer. It's killing me, it really is.. I can't eat, sleep, drink or anything.. I can when I'm at Connor's, but when I'm here, it's a big no no. I can't do it.. I'm too depressed to do it.. I feel sick after eating earlier and I'm so tempted to throw it back up.. I'm tempted to get a blade again, but thinking about it scares me, thinking about all the trouble I could get into with Connor and his family, thinking about how I could lose the one person that's most important to me..

NOOOO!! Don't let me fall.. PLEASE?!!

I hear your pain. Can't fly through the computer to give you a hug but I'd like to. You sound so overwhelmed! Is there anything you can do to nurture yourself? Does anything help? A walk? Writing? Anything?

Will say a prayer for you. Don't know if you believe in that but I do and I will ask for some peace for you.



Judy

Sweety, you CAN do it, you can hold on for a little while longer. I know you can. I know you don't want to and it's hard to believed but I believe in you and your ability to fight the urge to get that blade again. Sweety, look at all you've been through! Just look at it and look how you've pulled through. I am so proud of how you've done, don't you let living in that place drag you down there, don't let it win. Even if you have to fight every second after eating to keep it down, remember that you are worth it, you deserve to get stronger and healthier and happier and you can keep doing it. Keep focus on the goal--happiness, your career, Connor. You don't want to lose it all with one action, honey; I know you don't. And I know you won't. I have the faith in you that can stay strong...don't forget to message me anytime you need to---I will be the one to constantly remind you that you are worth staying safe, you are worth the fight. Everyone here will remind you of that and help be your support!

*throws you a rope to pull you up*
*send down a huge trampoline so that in case you fall you can bounce back up*

*sends lots of hugs *
*listens... I'm here anytime you want to talk*

I don't know enough about you to really know what's going on... you mention Connor... it sounds like being around him helps. Are you getting therapy? Just curious what you're going through

I spoke to my friend, Sky last night.. I started off with a tired hello, and asked what time it was. It was 12:30ish in the morning. But, as I used to do, I snapped up the facade, laughing and jooking, pretending everything was fine. Then we got onto the subject of why I'd been bawling my eyes out all night and why I was stuttering so much.. I didn't know, and that just frustrated me even more. All I knew was that I'd wished that my Dad, foster parents and dog were there at christmas.. I enjoyed Christmas, I really did, but it just would have been so much easier had one, or all - even better - been there.

I've been making such an effort recently, with the way I look and such and with trying to be happy, but yet.. i was so close to reaching out for the blade last night. I was thinking about all the possible tools I could use that were about 7 footsteps away from me..

I woke up this morning and looked at my scars, realising that before, I'd thought they weren't that bad, there weren't that many. But, looking at them this morning, I realised there were more than I had thought there was. I looked at my arms and thought.. All of the older scars have got lighter, all of these newer ones will get lighter, but they'll always be there.. I can't go out without a long sleeved top on to cover them.. Why? They're my scars, nobody should ask questions or think negatively of me, because they don't know what I've been through.. But.. I need these scars.. To show me how I coped, how I'm still here, to show me that after everything, after many attempts at suicide, I'm still here. And to show me that kI coped as well as I could.

I woke up this morning feeling more depressed than ever. I thought about phoning the doctors to make an appointment for asap, which could have been today if I phoned early enough. But, due to not sleeping until around 4am, and Connor phoning to wake me up at 8, so I could phone the doctors, and him sounding down.. I just gave in.. I went and had breakfast with a few friends, which was being made by staff here and then resigned to my bed to read my book.. I wanted to sleep so badly, but.. I just couldn't sleep at all. I got overly frustrated and have now decided that the only thing that will pass my lips today, apart from the breakfast I had, is juice or water.

The one thing that nags at me at the moment is the fact that Connor's Mum, Lisa.. She bought me a trilogy for christmas.. Dave Pelzer's "A Child Called It", "The Lost Boy", and "A Man Named Dave". Her reason for buying them for me; "I.. Thought.. You know.. They'd help.." and kind of shrugged her shoulders and gave a slight smile/smirk. She thought they'd help, my ***! She wanted me to 'realise' that there are people out there worse off than me, being abused worse than I was in my family life, who have been through a hell of a lot more than me and yet have come through it stronger, with a career, a family, maybe a failed marriage, but that doesn't matter, they've made something of their life. (Dave was abused as a kid.. For over 8 years I believe, possibly 12). I read through both the first and second books in two days and got a quarter of the way through the third book in the second half of the second day.. I read right until the end, including the added bits written by teachers and support workers and such. Dave wrote a piece about fostering and social services and how bad a reputation it's got.. He wrote that "Everyone assumes that once a kid is out of the place where they were abused, everything will get better, easier, they'll forget it and move on. But no. In fact, it gets harder". Know why that is? I would, because I'm stuck in much the same dilemma.. It's because once the child is out of there, they realise that they are "alone" they don't have their "real" family anymore, they wonder why it happened to them, and realise they'll never find the answers now they're out of there, they mull over it every day and every night, crying, raging, confused over everything and not being able to figure it out. Also, feeling torn because they want to go back to the person who abused them, believing it was all their fault, to apologise and make things better, to ask why them?

I'm so stuck in this and I wish that I could thrust the book in both Connor's, and Lisa's faces and say "read this. Then you might get why the ***** I'm not over it after a YEAR, after having all that abuse for almost 12 years!" Because wheneverI get upset about it, or try to talk to them about it, saying "I guess the reason why I feel so unworthy of help and such is because of the way I was brought up" they just say "Oh for *****'s sake! That's in the past! It was a year ago! Get over it, move on, stop thinking about it, leave it out. All you ever do is ponder on it. Listen to the people who actually give a damn about you, who actually want to help, who actually feel that you are worthy of their time, believe what we all say!! Throw away everything That Family ever said to you, it's in the past!"
I get so enraged. I sit there, clench my fists and teeth, push my feet hard on the floor, tense up completely, holding back my rage and storming off, or just disappearing, walking away to try and console myself..

Connor asked what was wrong last night and I told him that over Christmas I'd had fun and such, but I just wish that Dad and everyone were there too, that I'd realised that I'd only ever spent one christmas with my Dad, and I don't even know if I did, I'm just guessing.. And I'll never spend another one with him, nor my foster Dad, nor my adoptive family (not that I'd want to spend it with my abusers.. But it would be nice to be with my Twin..) He went off the wall "ugh.. why do you think about this if all it does is make you depressed? I thought you had fun at christmas, but no, you got all depressed, as you say you were 'hiding the tears'. You can't just have fun can you without thinking about something bad to bring you down!" I explained that yes, I had enjoyed myself and had fun but it's the first time in my life I've had time to think about it.. Because it is... And quoted Dave's sentence to him about gettin out of the place and he complained about that, saying congrats on proving how hard my life is.. It enraged me even more, so I just shut up after that. He spoke to me and calmed down and things were ok then.

I just wish that.. That I'd done something before.. That I'd told the police about all the abuse.. I can't now.. It's too late.. i have no proof.. I mean they could do brain scans and such to prove my mental state's rather crappy, but what would that do?! I did say something the night the police picked me up after The Adoptive Mother had threw me across the kitchen, taken chunks out of my hips, tried to strangle me and such.. I told them about my adoptive brother.. But they said "well.. Do you want to make a statement now, or shall we give you a call in the morning so we can take you in then?" I took the latter and they never called me.. So now.. It's too late and I'll never feel justice or peace at all.. The reason I met with my twina nd The Adoptive Mother was because I wanted to make things okish again, so that I could ask them why me? And find out what happened to make things so bad, despite me putting so much into everything..

Why Me? Why didn't I just go to the police and get it over and done with? I guess it's because they believe The Adoptive Mother and Father when they said that I punched The Adoptive Mother.. Couldn't believe it when the officer said "well, it cancels it out, so you wouldn't get very far.." I cried in that instant.. He ignored me..

Blah. I'm done. Finished. Fed up of being walked all over like a doormat no matter how hard I try to make everything better it all just gets worse..

For starters you get hugs: !!!!
I am so glad to see you able to get your thoughts and feelings out like this! What progress! What insight also on your scars! You are right--the serve as reminders that you coped the best you knew how AND you survived!! Wear long sleeves, short sleeves or no sleeves....if anyone is rude enough to ask what they are from you simply saying, "surviving". It's YOUR body. Try to relax your frustration level and allow yourself to eat healthy when you are hungry today--it will be ok to do that.

I have read that trilogy and it is a very hard read...I imagine you cried through quite a bit of it. You know, you may want to consider, now that you are done with the books, wrapping them up and giving them to Lisa and Connor as gifts, saying gently: "I.. Thought.. You know.. They'd help.." Say they really helped you to know that you are not alone in your feelings and thoughts, that everything you are feeling is absolutely normal for someone who was abused and you'd like to the share the insight.

Sweety, you can wish till the cows come home that you had done something before about reporting the abuse and it will never change it. As much as you'd love to justice done, you will have a kind of justice just by living, by proving that they threw all they **** they could at you and you SURVIVED and THRIVED. No, it's not the same as seeing them sit in prison for hurting you, but it is what you have now. You were young, you were scarred, you did what you could. Now your justice comes from fighting tooth and nail and still being here and being able to smile and grow and learn and love and play your music.

You will never have an answer to "why me" that justifies it. Why you--to them--could be as simple and stupid as "because you have brown (blue, hazel, etc) eyes." They don't need or have a reason that makes sense to the rest of us. Their "reason" is because they are sick and they need someone to hurt to make them feel better and feel justified in their anger and rage. The "why" has no reason that has to do with you...you weren't the provoker---there is never ever ever any reason to treat anyone like that. You did nothing to make it you about you. You can talk to your abusers till you're blue in the face, hon, and regardless of the reasons they give you, it's not about you. It is disgusting, horrible, sad and words I can't even think of, that you were the target.

Don't give up, sweety. YOU are justice for the abuse.

Because I was actually sat with Connor's family at the time, no.. I didn't cry.. But any chance I did get, yes I cried.. When I finished the last book today, after reading nearly all of it last night, I cried. Absolutely poured my heart out..
I'm back to how I was when the depression first started.. On the phone to Sky, I faked how I really felt, I ut on a facade again, i pretended that despite crying for almost 4 hours, I was fine, absolutely dandy.. She seemed to believe me, but knowing her, she guessed by a hint in my voice somewhere..

But.. I'm fine in the wrong sense.. You know how it goes, right?
I'm not okay, I'm not happy, I'm not bubbly, I'm not bouncing with joy every now and then.. I sit in my room alone, wondering what to do with myself, wondering whether I can be bothered to go shopping, whether I'm not too scared to go.. Because of people.

I guess I cover up the scars because people that know That Family might see me and tell them.. I don't want them to know that I gave in, that i gave them what they wanted basically.. They wanted me to go so far down that I resorted to ridiculous measures in an effort to rid the world, myself, everyone, of ME. And I gave them that.. I was playing my guitar just now, and I recorded it on my new camera that Connor got me for Christmas, for my psp. I replayed it and felt kinda crappy because there was so little effort put into it and it just sounded boring and lazy. Then I came up with a new style of playing, so recorded that too, kept messing up and realised I couldn't sing whilst playing it because there's so many moves to do with my fingers and such. So that brought me down, too.. Because I don't want to have to have another guitarist playing for me at a gig, you know?

This is the only place I ever say how I really feel.. It's the only place I feel I CAN say how I feel. It's horrible, knowing that.. I mean.. At least I have somewhere to burst, you know? But.. Even my cbt worker, I can't talk to him like I do on here, i can't talk to my cpn, I can't talk to other counsellors, I've never found someone who I actually trusted.. I have no trust for all the people that I wished I would have trust for.. GAAAHH!! It's so Damned FRUSTRATING!!! I don't even understand myself.. And that's just even more frustrating and upsetting, ebcause how the hell can I talk to anyone if I don't understand ME????!!!

Lisa's already read the books. I don't think Connor would be interested to be honest, or if he did read it, he'd say "See, he's got through it!" Yeah, when he got away at the age of 12 and is now like 30!!! that's 18 years!! And he still wonders about it!! GRRRR!! Why don't people understand??!! It's so *******ed annoying and I just want to scream and hit stuff and cry and smash stuff up, like never before.. i never feel like this normally.. I'm just so agitated at the moment!!

Hmmmmmmm......... <Those dots were for every minute and sat and thought :P

*sigh* How is being here justice, when all i do is think about them, wonder about it, wonder why it happened and how and what I did to make it happen, why it was me? Why my twin, who was the naughtiest little s**t around, older than me, got away with murder! She got so drunk one night, she got into a massive fight and got brought home in a riot van.. Wha does that say to you? "she should be grounded for at the very least a week" or "Well, I'll have a word with her tomorrow, see how she acts and if she seems sincerely sorry, all we'll do is get the police to give her a curfew and let her out tomorrow night"? They took the frickin' latter!! WTF????!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That was a nice, long, loud scream in my head. hmph. This really sucks and I really don't know how much more s**t I can take.. I've taken way too much over the past year since I've been out of there. Yes, it's only been a year and I "should have gotten over it by now". Pff. And it's not veen a whole year because for most of that time, they were giving me abuse from texts and phonecallls and around college and stuff and I couldn't go anywhere without feeling afraid that someone was after me on every corner..

And I'm still not away from that. I'm scared that because of the rape.. People are after me, people want to hurt me and that there's always someone following/watching me in some way or another, waiting for the time to pounce.. I'm still sat here contemplating whether to go shopping, I'm too scared, cold, tired, achey.. But then.. It's something to do I guess.. I suppose I'd better go before it starts to get dark, which will be in about an hour or so..

*sigh* I know I used to shout at them sometimes, but that's because they never listened, I know I could have a really sharp tongue at times and quite a fierce slam of my door and I used to play my music loud and scream at people when they came into my room without knocking.. But wouldn't any kid do that, especially if their Adoptive Father walked in and they were just stood in bra and knickers? Wouldn't just about ANYBODYdo that?! GRRRR it angers me so, so much!! I mean, even my youngest cousin, Anna did it and her parents would say "ohh sorry, Anna, I'm really sorry, I'll come back in a minute when you're done" but then again, that only happened once as far as I know, because my Aunt and Uncle were so careful about things like that and respected their children!

No-one's ever respected me, no-one at all. Yeah, maybe I had pretty crap self-respect, but I had enough to at least realise that what they were doing was wrong, along with Connor and his family's help.. And I knew that I should be respected and cared about, loved, etc. But no, nobody ever gave me that.. i mean.. Connor loved me, still does.. As far as I know.. Don't ask me why, I'm hardly worth it.. But then again I think well.. Why would he have stayed with me after all the s**t I've ut him through, if I didn't deserve to be loved?

I just.. Ohhhh I don't know *cries* everything's going backwards, back to the beginning.. It's all slotting into place now, I realise that it's all going back to how it used to be.. Talking to That Family, things causing me upset because of them.. Like my dog.. Me wanting to SI because of them, my ED getting worse again.. I don't know if you read my post in the eating disorder forum :| But yeah, that's getting bad again, my anger's gettign bad again, crying every day and every night, not sleeping much at all, so I look like a zombie more and more each day, not feeling like going anywhere.. It's all so wrong..

The fact that you are here--alive and striving to be better--that is justice because you are surviving. They wanted you to be beaten and you aren't. Yes, you cut--you cut to survive. You cut but you didn't die. Absolutely arguing and slamming your door and playing music loud is normal teenager behavior, but if you weren't with a normal, healthy family, then they wouldn't see your behavior as normal.

It's good that you can recognize that if you continue this way it will be right back to the beginning. The next step is to stop it. If you want to share what you talk about here with your team, print some of the posts out. Sometimes it's easier to have things written out and then discuss them.

You can keep going forward, sweety. One small small step at a time. Anytime you need me, you know where I am.

We all are sorry to hear that you are having a hard time and are fearful of feeling like your sinking. You are on the right track from what I have read. we are proud of you for taking the steps necessary to keep yourself safe and are proud that you chose to share so much with us. The community here knows that sharing can sometimes be the hardest part. You are so articulate and aware that you are so far ahead of many others. I know that doesn't always feel like it helps much but you are ahead of the curve. Stay safe and use the trampoline and rope. If there is anything else we can do for you let us know. Take good care of yourself.

It's not justice to me though, I see it as me living through this hell and having to live with it everyday isn't justice.. It makes no sense to me whatsoever.. I can see where you're coming from but it just makes no sense how.. Living with this for the rest of my life (yes I'm still alive but..) means I will have all those questions for the rest of my life, I'll never get them answered..

I feel so trapped, like a rat in a cage.. I really do.. It's all too much and I can take it anymore, I really can't..

I slept ok-ish last night, but that's because I was exhausted.. Still had to check my door was locked over and over again and kept jumping at every noise, even if it wasjust people running up and down the stairs.. I'm terrifieed and it's ruining my life!

Yet I can't talk to anyone face to face about it.. If anything, I'd rather tell my counsellors and other workers face to face what my feelings are, but I just wouldn't know how to start and how to carry it on and I'd stutter and stumble and probably just get upset with myself and maybe even just walk out.. I don't want to get angry with anyone there, or cry with anyone there, or be "whimpering" when someone's there.

This sucks.

Starting a conversation is the hardest part, the scariest part, but once the first step is taken it can become so much easier after that. I would say that make sure whoever you decide to confide in is someone you just. Start off small and feel it out and if the person you chose is receptive and supportive then build slowly. Once you gain some confidence and faith it gets easier. I know it isn't easy and do it when you are ready. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. The community is thinking about you.

It's my cbt worker, he's constantly pressing on at me to tell him how I feel and I never know what to say.. I just say "I feel tired" that's it.

Connor's not being very helpful either.. I'll explain in detail tomorrow, I need to go over to his, I'm getting picked up soon.. Not looking forward to it too mcuh tbh. I just hope it all goes well.. We'll be drinking tonight, so I just hope he doesn't drink too much and get out of hand.. Like he does sometimes..

I have barely any confidence as it is.. It's so crap, I can never speak out, I'm a singer yet when i go on stage I shake like a leaf. My confidence has grown as a singer because I'm less "static" on stage, but in other ways.. Not so much.. I always feel like a black sheep wherever I go.. It sucks..

I totally understand how it does not seem like justice to you yet. Goodness, sweety--this is all still so fresh! You've only been away for about a year and this last assualt just happened. The sad and hurtful part is that you'll never get an answer to "why me" because there isn't one, honey. What possible reason could they give? You are looking for an answer to why me that will put the responsibility for it on you--and it doesn't belong there. Give yourself time to heal safely, allowing for slips and falls...know that we are here to catch you when you do. You ae right--you do have to live with this your whole life. It's nothing you'll "forget" or "get over"....you'll learn to cope safely and move forward, though--eventually, honey. It is so so so important to talk to you cbt workers and others on your team about all this. Showing them this will start the conversation going...they will know how to direct it. Please, K--, be safe and know that we won't let you fall too far down that slope!

Connor's not being helpful at all *cries* I mean, he asks me to talk to him and when I do, he gets annoyed, or tells me to ignore certain people or says that it's nothing or it's only something stupid.. Belittles my feelings... Makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid. He had a go at me last night for drinking some of MY bailey's without him knowing.. I was pouring drink after drink down my neck in an effort to get drunk as quickly as possible, to drown out the sorrow and such I felt..

I ended up in tears when we went to bed.. i can't remember what set me off.. But Connor tried to comfort me and stuff and it was about my Dad and others again and he said he didn't know what to say, so I said as long as it wasn't "just get over it" or anything harsh like that, it didn't matter what he said. He turned away after a while..

I'm fed up of all of this, really, terribly fed up..
Found out that someone who used to live here, the longest serving resident was found in his flat, dead in his sleep.. He was only 19 or 20. We're guessing it was something to do with him being diabetic.. I found this out the moment I walked in the door.. I'm still pretty shell-shocked because I don't know how to react.. So many bad things are happening at the moment and I seriously can't take much more bad news.. One of my friends was sectioned after she went to get a cut tended to and the nurses told her she'd be seeing a psych that night and she came back with "I don't need or want your help, I'll kill all of you then kill myself."

I can feel myself slipping down that way.. If anyone says anything bad to me, like if the police say to me that the guy got away with the rape, I'll completely lose it and end up in hospital.. i know it. Not from OD'ing or anything, but from completely losing my head and saying something just as crazy as that. I know it. If not to authorities, to people that are close to me and are friends with me, or to my counsellors.. I'm terrified.

I'm lost, I'm alone, I'm ripped to pieces and my whole life is unravelling before my eyes and everything is going wrong again.. I'm ok-ish today, but the one thing that is getting me through today is the fact that later, I'll be drinking a bottle of vodka and going out to get more. It sounds awful but.. I can't help it. It's the only thing keeping me going atm. Today, to me, is just another day to get through. Just another dreary, horrible day..

How depressing do I sound?!

My God, something's just clicked inside of me realising that I'm away from Connor, that I can hide any marks and such.. That i can cut. And god does it sound like such a good idea as it resounds in my head over and over again.. The voices are back, the people watching me all the time are back and I'm losing control again.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((ThePainNeverDies))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that things are so bad and are effecting all aspects of your life. Do you have t to talk to? I am sorry as you may have already said if you did. I thin it may be worth investigating if having one wouldn't help you work through somet of this. I am sorry that SI seemed to you to be your only alternative. I hope you didn't act upon it. Please try and be safe.

BB

I didn't act upon it, but drank my sorrows away instead. I don't normally get hangovers, but since it's the second night in a row that I've got drunk, I'm really quite ill. Plus, on top of that, I'm ill as it is and can barely eat or drink anything, so.. That doesn't help

I don't have a t as such, I'm seeing a cbt counsellor, and a cpn. My cpn is no help whatsoever and just makes me feel even worse. I can't talk to her at all. My cbt counsellor.. We get on really well, I've been seeing him for over a year now, but.. I just can't seem to tell him my feelings.. There are so many times I've wanted to cry but I've just pushed it all down, so many times he's asked how I am and I've said; "I'm tired, but otherwise I'm fine" yet that's not the case at all! Even when he saw me sat waiting outside his office, for a friend who was seeing him, to come out.. And noticedthat I'd been crying and such, he asked me what was wrong and I said; "Nothing, I'm fine, honest" He gave me a look and a "hmmm" as if to say 'I know you're not.. But I won't press on it.'

I just wish that I would speak out about how I feel, but I find it so hard.. Just recently in our sessions, my mind has been wandering off to another place, there are lots of silences and he said the week before last; "You've gone awfully quiet on me, Kirst, why's that?" I just jumped and said "no reason, it's alright, i was just thinking" he asked what about and I just brushed it off as nothing much.

The one thing that keeps stopping me from SI'ing is remembering how long I've been without it and thinking 'I can do just one more day.. I can at least Try and do it..' So, I made it without SI'ing, but still drank.. Which in a way is another way to hurt myself, hence drinking excessively to feel sick.

I'm still really struggling, but holding onto the fact that I've been... 51 days without it and I'm proud of that, that's the longest I've been without it when I've been counting

But.. Things are still rough this end. Connor phoned me last night, and.. I don't remember much of what was said to be perfectly honest. I remember him putting the phone down on me because I was shouting and crying.. I then asked him to get Sky to call me.. I needed to speak to her, he got funny about it because he wants me to talk to him.. But when I do.. He gets angry with me or doesn't know how to help me and I feel bad for that. So, Sky phoned and for the first time, heard me cry on the phone.. I don't regret it, I actually feel really quite elated now that I've really let out my most inner deep feelings. She was there for me to talk to and to cry to and tell her how I feel and it really helped.

I just wish that I didn't cry every day and every night.. I hate it..

This thought is resounding in my head over and over and over again and it's seriously sounding like such a good idea.. Even if I have been 49 days without it.. I just can't take much more crap.. I went out the other day and one of the girls here said "Watch out, Kirsten, there are bad men out there" It makes me sick. And the other day I walked past her and she coughed and said somehing under her breath. Most likely "Slag". Then I found out that the witness of the rape has been saying she's going to "bang me out" and so has someone that said she was on my side, to my face, but to the witness, she said she'd join her in beating me down to the ground. Huh. They can beat me to a pulp for all I care. They'll be the ones getting charged for assault and getting kicked out of here. It just scares me.. I don't feel safe at all anymore..

I can't stand this much longer, I'm ill as it is, my mental state's deteriorating, my life is a shambles, I have no job, can't talk to people, can't spend time with people because I'm socially retarded because of being afraid of people laughing at me, not with me, for instance.

The reason I have no job? Because no-one will accept me because of the reputation of people in this place. Druggies, alcoholics, lazy people who don't wanna get off their arses and earn an honest penny, just want to be on benefits for the rest of their life to make it easy for them, rude.. Etc etc. It's really wrong.

I hate this, I really do.. I can't stand being in this s**thole anymore, it's ruining my life!