yeah...that there is hope...and further more that I really actually *am safe*. This is really super hard to get words around because I *never* feel safe, I always feel there is something evil lurking towards me and that it will grab me in the night and I'll vanish without a trace.

Being that my mind has been ****** with and that I do have 10+ alters, you're right - these things do alter my sense of reality and various beliefs. Some in the "system" know that the night is not scary and evil... while others are terrified of night and darkness. So... this realization is really playing havoc with a lot of different things on different levels.

I do expect that my main abuser, should he ever get word of what I know, will kill me. Others tell me he cannot - that he is not as powerful, that he's older so he doesn't have his former strength, that those who oppress others really live in fear of their victims overcoming their terror and rebelling against the oppressor... so many thoughts, that it is all i can do to sit still and hang on to my tilting planet.

Mainly, that eternal hell cannot reach out into my reality and pull me in. Does that make any sense? That there is not some superinbodied evil source that can manifest here in my room, and take me back with it. That is what reliving the flashbacks is like for me. So, starting to separate out this malovent supernatural force from the real solid facts actually takes away some of the painful fear of actually looking at the abuse (still theory right now). Because this means that looking at it won't gouge out my eyes or mind with insanity... that maybe my mind will stay intact and i won't actually fall in to a bottomless abyss of darkness and dispair for all eternity.

whew that's a lot.