undoing the programming

last night due to a healing class, i think some of the programming around the abuse was undone.
this is good...and scary...
i realized (and this is a personal thing, ppl have to come to this in their own time) that the abuse, tho it is awful and terrible and should not happen to anyone ever, was not *evil* in the sense of being otherworldly, by the devil, something that can suck me in to some scary porthole into ever-lasting blackness. I didn't even realize i was holding those thoughts until they were undone last night.
So naturally, Programming being what it is, my brain when into hyperactive drive last night, making shadows be all sorts of other things, and danger at every turn. programming does not like to be undone. fell asleep hearing voices (maybe echoes of the past?) and not really wanting to sleep... took ages. Then slept most the day, finally getting up after 2pm.
now that i am up, i am really spaced out, and finding that i am numbing with alcohol (not that i reccommend it). Am on the verge of flashbacks, while tring to remind myself that this is not "evil" (refer to past explanation). doing a bit better after adding a shot to my tea @_@

(((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))

good work, kiya. stay safe and take care of yourself, ok? don't go overboard with the alcohol - sometimes it makes me feel like i'm gonna flashback even worse, because i'm out of control.

you're doing really well ((((Kiya)))).

((((((((((((((Lifelesstraveled, Deli))))))))))))))))))
thanks - and thanks for the encouragement! I was beginning to think not very good things about myself. That helps a lot.

oh kiya... that is wonderful! be careful with the booze ok? i know at least with me i tend to go a liiittle over the board widdit. and sometimes even a little drink will affect me like a whole bottle of liquor. go figure.

well anyways - i look up to you, kiya. i really do. may the journey be a little smoother from now on....




twilight

Wow, you gave me alot to think about. Take it easy on the firewater. Thanks for sharing.

that's the meds, sweat pea, not supposed to mix em... (as I well know)

ahhh well then I'd best get my act together and thank you. it is good seeing you on here...been quite a while!

Yes...thanks - I'm really not sposta be drinking at all (medical diet).
yeah - that whole realization thing was quite a doozie. And certainly not something I could "hear" a few years back. It is amazing to observe the mind as it struggles with this; the ptsd really kicked into high gear. Today I am reeaaalllly zoning. Found myself staring at my bathroom sink for near 10 minutes. It is kind of turning my world upsidedown - and yet, it is *healing* to be able to distinguish reality from programming; the human perp from the mask of darkness and human-created "evil". But I guess I will just have to let my mind go on it's own timeline to get through -and trust it will.
thanks, kiya
and safe hugs if you want them (((melissa)))

This realization, although it probably mixes things up and likely alters your perception of many other beliefs, sounds like it could lead to some healing. If the abuse was not evil and the acts committed against you, and do not have the power to condemn you suffer in eternal hell, this is good news right? Your realization means that there is HOPE.

(((Kiya))) take care of yourself. I believe that as long as you can draw a breath, there is hope.

"and yet, it is *healing* to be able to distinguish reality from programming"- Kiya

I get so confused sometimes that I don't know who did what. I'm having a real hard time telling the difference in my programming and reality. I never thought about it as programming till I read what you wrote. Hugs Kiya thanks

yeah...that there is hope...and further more that I really actually *am safe*. This is really super hard to get words around because I *never* feel safe, I always feel there is something evil lurking towards me and that it will grab me in the night and I'll vanish without a trace.

Being that my mind has been ****** with and that I do have 10+ alters, you're right - these things do alter my sense of reality and various beliefs. Some in the "system" know that the night is not scary and evil... while others are terrified of night and darkness. So... this realization is really playing havoc with a lot of different things on different levels.

I do expect that my main abuser, should he ever get word of what I know, will kill me. Others tell me he cannot - that he is not as powerful, that he's older so he doesn't have his former strength, that those who oppress others really live in fear of their victims overcoming their terror and rebelling against the oppressor... so many thoughts, that it is all i can do to sit still and hang on to my tilting planet.

Mainly, that eternal hell cannot reach out into my reality and pull me in. Does that make any sense? That there is not some superinbodied evil source that can manifest here in my room, and take me back with it. That is what reliving the flashbacks is like for me. So, starting to separate out this malovent supernatural force from the real solid facts actually takes away some of the painful fear of actually looking at the abuse (still theory right now). Because this means that looking at it won't gouge out my eyes or mind with insanity... that maybe my mind will stay intact and i won't actually fall in to a bottomless abyss of darkness and dispair for all eternity.

whew that's a lot.

Sounds like the alters what have acknowledged this truth are successfully working on convincing the others. This also sound like something positive.

and i just remembered, too, that a lot is happening in dreams and in my not-so-conscious mind. some of it i am aware of, and even though i am not comfortable with it, i can't seem to stop it, so i am letting the mind have free-reign as it were... very new territory for me. Am so glad the forum is here so I can keep in contact with everyone, be reminded that ppl care, and have my "feet tethered' to at least one part of reality!

Abuse is not good period! Eventually everyone who has been abused in any way has to face it. I was physically, emotionally and verbally abused as a child and up till I was 18. I had to confront it eventually because it just keep interfering with my personal life when I was about 22. When you come to terms with everything, you learn so much on what not to do. If you decide to have kids or if you do already, you know what not to do. I have come to terms with it and have learned from it. Don't get me wrong, it's a shame that anyone should ever have to go through that but I am a firm believer in educating others who have never dealt with abuse especially in the helping professions.

the journey toward the healing can be so frightening. i would not want to stop or go backwards, but some days trying to get better is pretty awful to go through.

kiya, i heard almost everyone say what i want to say also, please stay safe. it matters to me. sometimes i stray into hurting myself in contradiction of all i have been doing to get free from past pain and abuse. 3 steps forward, 1 or 2 back? i just know that i care and know the pain of addiction to substances. you deserve life. hugs,

leah one of leslie's family

(((((((((FSNMM2, Leah/Leslie))))))))))))
thank you... yeah, i know i have to face it. There is a line in Harry Potter book 4 at the end that Dumbledore says (and I am paraphrasing) something about "healing can only come with understanding and comprehension" now i need to get the book...that's not close enough... pg. 680 "Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery."
This is year 6 for me in therapy...makes me wonder how long this will truly take.
Kiya

kiya,

acceptance is crucial to restoration, but yes it is just one of the steps we must take to get to a point of resolution.

i know 6 years sounds long (not as long as 14...sigh) but, you i am guessing and hoping are starting this younger than i did and that my dear gives you a distinct advantage over me (not that we really are competing) a young person, willing to do the work has so much less "life baggage" than a woman in her early 40's has.

but, kiya, this weekend in the frightening depth and violence of my feelings i finally got some more clear idea of what these monsters did to me. i am not a wimp. what was done to me was deliberate, programmed cruelty and deviant horrors and even sheer violence done to innocent victims (of whom i was one) right in front of me.

ALL THAT TO SAY, I MUST STOP BEING ANGRY WITH MYSELF OVER MY CONDITION - SUCH MANGLED WOUNDS DO NOT HEAL FAST AND PAINLESSLY. BUT THEY DO HEAL.

respecting your struggle, leslie and her pixies

Kiya, what a great realization and a liberating one too! Good work!

Leslie, yeah i am in my early 30's. I couldn't deal with this earlier... couldn't even begin to accept it. Even tho the flashbacks started at 16... i couldn't put it together for years. Started therapy at 26 i think... but couldn't really get near the topics.
((((((((leslie))))))))) you are doing well.

(((kiya)))

just wanted to deliver some hugs.

- twilight

((((((((((((((Twilight))))))))))))
thank you very much!!! I appreciate it!