Hi I am a newbie as most refer to us new people. I was wanting to post this but was unsure of the proper area. Where am I gonna go with this unsure. But I can say I am trying to help myself for a change. I have posted in the psychotherapy area because that is something that I have always been against. Just to ask questions about even getting into therapy. I am the big strong woman who can handle her own problems. I have faced the fact that I do need help and have some obstacles in the way preventing it for now and the funny part it is not myself! Well that is not totally true because I am so afraid of it. My past has made me so I have no voice and left me unable to verbally communicate about things without zoning out. I have a very hard time talking to someone one on one. My biggest way to handle that is to be a goof and joke around. So anyway the main reason I am posting this here is trying to make sense of it all and could not find a better place for this. My childhood sucked like a lot of people I have seen post in here on many levels. I am a survivor of many forms of abuse. I am now 40 years old and have been able to manage all my life to shut down the past. I like to refer to it as putting it on a shelf in my mind out of reach. About 10 years ago I went through hell dealing with the stress of it all with horrible flashbacks managed to put everything on that shelf as I put it I even managed to stop my SI. So here is why I am here today, I was assaulted physically in October. This is crazy and has put me on the ride of my life. I was punched in the face by a customer and I thought I was being the bigger person by grabbing her hands to prevent her from swinging again instead of hitting her back. Wow I was wrong. She impaled her fingernail into my hand which was much worse. To make a long story short, I developed a staph infection a lot like MRSA but it was not resistant to a few drugs. It was still not healing so they surgically excised the wound and found my hand had developed a cancerous tumor in it from the chronic infection. So here I am 4 surgeries later and in occupational therapy to try to regain use of my hand.
So what does that stuff have to do with what's wrong now? Evreything!!!

I have racing thoughts and tons of nervous energy. Life has me down worse than ever before. So for now I am trying to cope the best I can. When I try to explain things to someone willing to listen I can not seem to explain it right without feeling out of control. It is like someone has hit the turbo boost button. So here I sit taking my time and trying to explain my mess and make myself feel better. I am not use to feeling so much or even allowing myself to truly feel. So I will try to put some of my feelings down and why I feel that way if possible.

Sad- at the way I am right now.
Overwhelmed - too many issues at once
Disappointed - at myself for coming apart at the seams
Confused - by all the different emotions
Angry - at the person who assaulted me ( I feel like if she hadn't assaulted me I would be okay relatively speaking)
Useless - at the fact that there is so much I can not do now, even something as simple as tying my own shoes
Worthless - because I can not even provide financially for myself right now
Drowning - under all the stress
Happy - they found the cancer early enough that they got it all out or at least they claim to have gotten it all
Worried - that the cancer will return
Afraid - of what all of this is going to do to me
hurting - from flashbacks and memories

So I am sure whoever you are that reads this will get the point. I am not doing this for pity, I am doing this for my sanity. That is if there is any such thing. Will I feel better expressing all of this? Probably not but will give it try. All I really want is for things to be like they use to be. But I have to face reality that most of this mess is what I get for not dealing with issues and just pushing them out of my mind. I have found myself mentally removing myself from a lot of situations I am put into right now. Almost like watching what is going on from afar. It is almost like watching a bad movie. I keep hoping I will wake up and realize this whole life has been some horrible dream. But no, I have to face the fact that this is not a dream by any means. Instead this is my hell and welcome everyone to it. Life really sucks and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it except live it. But then again you have people that tell you to be happy it could be worse. Screw them because they are not the ones living this pathetic existence called my life. It just amazes me how big of an impact one small 5 minute event could cause so much chaos in my life.