when chaos reigns down what do you do?

Hi I am a newbie as most refer to us new people. I was wanting to post this but was unsure of the proper area. Where am I gonna go with this unsure. But I can say I am trying to help myself for a change. I have posted in the psychotherapy area because that is something that I have always been against. Just to ask questions about even getting into therapy. I am the big strong woman who can handle her own problems. I have faced the fact that I do need help and have some obstacles in the way preventing it for now and the funny part it is not myself! Well that is not totally true because I am so afraid of it. My past has made me so I have no voice and left me unable to verbally communicate about things without zoning out. I have a very hard time talking to someone one on one. My biggest way to handle that is to be a goof and joke around. So anyway the main reason I am posting this here is trying to make sense of it all and could not find a better place for this. My childhood sucked like a lot of people I have seen post in here on many levels. I am a survivor of many forms of abuse. I am now 40 years old and have been able to manage all my life to shut down the past. I like to refer to it as putting it on a shelf in my mind out of reach. About 10 years ago I went through hell dealing with the stress of it all with horrible flashbacks managed to put everything on that shelf as I put it I even managed to stop my SI. So here is why I am here today, I was assaulted physically in October. This is crazy and has put me on the ride of my life. I was punched in the face by a customer and I thought I was being the bigger person by grabbing her hands to prevent her from swinging again instead of hitting her back. Wow I was wrong. She impaled her fingernail into my hand which was much worse. To make a long story short, I developed a staph infection a lot like MRSA but it was not resistant to a few drugs. It was still not healing so they surgically excised the wound and found my hand had developed a cancerous tumor in it from the chronic infection. So here I am 4 surgeries later and in occupational therapy to try to regain use of my hand.
So what does that stuff have to do with what's wrong now? Evreything!!!

I have racing thoughts and tons of nervous energy. Life has me down worse than ever before. So for now I am trying to cope the best I can. When I try to explain things to someone willing to listen I can not seem to explain it right without feeling out of control. It is like someone has hit the turbo boost button. So here I sit taking my time and trying to explain my mess and make myself feel better. I am not use to feeling so much or even allowing myself to truly feel. So I will try to put some of my feelings down and why I feel that way if possible.

Sad- at the way I am right now.
Overwhelmed - too many issues at once
Disappointed - at myself for coming apart at the seams
Confused - by all the different emotions
Angry - at the person who assaulted me ( I feel like if she hadn't assaulted me I would be okay relatively speaking)
Useless - at the fact that there is so much I can not do now, even something as simple as tying my own shoes
Worthless - because I can not even provide financially for myself right now
Drowning - under all the stress
Happy - they found the cancer early enough that they got it all out or at least they claim to have gotten it all
Worried - that the cancer will return
Afraid - of what all of this is going to do to me
hurting - from flashbacks and memories

So I am sure whoever you are that reads this will get the point. I am not doing this for pity, I am doing this for my sanity. That is if there is any such thing. Will I feel better expressing all of this? Probably not but will give it try. All I really want is for things to be like they use to be. But I have to face reality that most of this mess is what I get for not dealing with issues and just pushing them out of my mind. I have found myself mentally removing myself from a lot of situations I am put into right now. Almost like watching what is going on from afar. It is almost like watching a bad movie. I keep hoping I will wake up and realize this whole life has been some horrible dream. But no, I have to face the fact that this is not a dream by any means. Instead this is my hell and welcome everyone to it. Life really sucks and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it except live it. But then again you have people that tell you to be happy it could be worse. Screw them because they are not the ones living this pathetic existence called my life. It just amazes me how big of an impact one small 5 minute event could cause so much chaos in my life.

it sometimes surprises me how alone each one of us feels from time to time and still members join each day, stating they feel alone...

saying you are alone in an insane world may not be so accurate.. maybe many of us are alone and the thought is dawning on me, maybe we really are in an insane world, but not alone in thinking so.....

welcome to PC, as for advice, i know you will receive some, so enjoy this hell until it becomes your paradise... at least thats the goal i think

Hello Tmac, I am glad you have joned us here at PC, many people will understand and you won't feel so alone.

I'm sorry you have been through so much and you were assaulted. I hope the person that did that to you was put away.

I feel it would be good for you to seek therapy to deal with that trauma and the other stuff you keep stuffing away, and in the meantime we are here supporting you. Welcome!

I hear that you are not able to express yourself verbally. How about artistically? I, too had a life that resembled a bad movie, a hell, yet I had nothing physical to point, no explanation, to this day, I have no idea WHY society treated me like they did, as I am writing in my autobiography, "This teacher has a story!" The explanation mark is the key here, the key to the story. And yes I was helped visually, artistically, right here in this website. The Thread is called "The Use of Imagery in Discarding Old Self," and it is found in the Sharing Self Help Ideas forum. What nowheretorun expressed I have found to be a truth, that there is an element of insanity in this existence, a big element. You may not be able to get those fifteen minutes back, yet you can spend a lifetime growinf for the better right here at PC, welcome. You can PM me. I care for you already.

I have read your replies and thank you.. Yes I know I would benifit from therapy. That is part of it all I am admitting that for once.But like I said I have some obsticles in the way. With all the wonderful issues also broght the loss of my health insurance as well as I am currently fighting the workers comp because I spoke to an attorney and they have stopped my checks. This is all adding to the stress. Pegasus no she got away and the police seemed more like they couldnt be bothered. I have been posting and going into chat rooms and that does help not feel so alone. It is the confusion and the stress thats getting to me. Honestly I feel like a timebomb ready to explode. Thats why I posted to see if it helps relieve some of the stress.

Okay so editing this because I did just get some good news. Talked to my laywer who I have been badgering every day! They got in touch with our WC carrier and they are sending out my checks. At least I feel like a can breath a little easier now!

Just try to look at the bright side of the things and don't let negative feelings overwhelm you. If you keep thinking positively and focus on how you can improve you will eventually go where you want to be.

welcome "newbie' to pc. wow! i think you expressed yourself really well in your post. i applaud you for being able to identify the feelings you are having, too, and the courage it took for you to post these feelings. it took me a long time in therapy to understand what i was feeling. i had also stuffed so much that when it started to come out it gushed forth! sort of like your phrase, "turbo boost button". my therapist told me to "vomit" it up and i did. he paced me so i wouldn't feel overwhlemed as much with all this "stuff" i had stuffed and the feelings that accompanied them.
i want to quote you for a moment ,"Life really sucks and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it except live it. But then again you have people that tell you to be happy it could be worse."
sorry you are feeling like you do right now. i can certainly relate to how you are feeling. it used to take so much mentally energy for me to partially function. i'd be exhausted and it was all about expending all that energy to not self implode! i am really glad you found pc. i think you will find the site very welcoming, people supportive and helpful.
now back to your quote-life may suck for you at this moment in time, but for me it became a process of healing too, one problem/feeling at a time. feeling those stuffed emotions, reliving some of the events, leaning new tools of how to cope, and learning ways of how i could change my perception about life. it was a long, long time of learning and still goes on today for me. i have learned to love my life and am loving living it. i believe you can too.
have you ever gotten help for the post traumatic stress (ptsd) you have from that wild woman attacking you? my ptsd has improved over time and less things trigger it now.
i encourage you to keep posting what's on your mind here at pc. it's a beginning of what i hope will be a fruitful journey for your healing from within. perhaps later (or sooner) you may want to consider therapy...it's not as scary or bad as you may think. i can't express how much it helped me and also speeded up the recovery of my "self"...
you can private message (pm) me anytime if you would like. sounds like you have some incredible insights on how and why you feel as you do.
now for some solutions to help you onward to a more fulfilling life. i hope we are able to give you some suggestions that may help you.

I'm new too and I know it seems so hard and overwhelming for you right now. I wanted to address the issue of needing therapy without insurance. If you're in an area that's got a pretty population, there are probably lots of therapists that would see you on a sliding scale fee, and some of them for free even.
You might check with some local community organizations Catholic Charities or Jewish community centers, (you don't have to be either religion) to find some counselors. A lot T's fulfill their hours requirements for licensing by working as interns, and they can charge low rates or almost none at all.
I hope this helps and I really, with all my heart, wish you lots and lots of luck as you face this difficult time.

I don't think it necessarily helps to always focus on positive thoughts. I really think that if you are struggling with mental illness, that's exactly where you can't go.
Best to you,
kittykins9

Okay, so my minds a little simmered down for the moment and want to say ty to all that replied.
Pegasus, I want to give it a try but really good at removing myself mentally from uncomfortable situations, and afraid thats what would end up happening. I am horrible in face to face situations.

Nowheretorun, I am laughing enjoy this hell until it becomes my paradise.

Junerain, I write poems but destroy most of them shortly after just to let stuff out. Have some I have not destroyed and read when things are not going right or making sense. Artistically, also in my photography, I try to find pretty things to take pics of and do digital editting. I think I put link im my profile if you would like to see a few of them. That is tough though because of course it is a little tough with 1 hand to do the photography I enjoy doing.

linda5508, Right now positive is hard to find and believe me I have been looking. Guess this site might be the only positive for now.

madisgram, not sure what to say I need to digest all that you wrote but did reply to your PM. THANK YOU!

kittykins9, I have never been diagnossed with a mental illness. Was on Paxil at one point b\c I was stressed and having crappy thoughts. Thats about all. The therapy I wanna do it believe me I do not like where I am righht now mentally. The fear of doing it is causes me so much anxiety. But think I will call my archdioces....If I do this I do not want to go to my church.

Thanks again!

at least you laughed Tmac the theory is that it can and does get better, but its tough, no doubt..

When things seem so bad, you can always look up, and add your dreams to the stars... if you don't see any - make your own.

Things have a way of working out when we are determined to try our very best to get through it.

Sometimes, looking at the big, whole picture can be overwhelming.

There is alot to be said for learning to 'live in the moments' ... they take us through, in amore pleasurable way, as when we look into each moment as they arise, like in this one, we must admit that in this moment, at this very moment, we have everything we need.

Hope wonderful things happen for you ~

Embrace the good!

Peace and Hope
Night
xoxo