Thank you all for your replies.
It's so nice to know I'm not alone in this, that I am not totally weird feeling like my T doesn't believe me at times, even though she assures me over and over that she does believe me.

She has been great, i'm just a pain with my trust issues, it's very rare for me to get close to anyone. In fact, I don't think I have ever really opened up to anyone about how past issues have really made me feel, let alone talk about them. She actually sent me another great email about trust taking time, and telling me that I have no need to apologize to her.

I know I really have to open up about these things if I want to heal but when I do talk about them, it sets me spinning for a couple days.

I have this huge, huge fear that if I open up and share these secrets I will be worse off, that I will end up losing control, or being crazy. My defense mechanisms have worked so well for so long and they still do in a sense. Yet, I am also beginning to realize that they cause me to keep people out, and I want to be able to connect more with people, more than surface level. I never thought it would be so difficult to attempt to heal.

Kiti,
If my pdoc did something like that I would be cautious as well and want to confront him on those issues. I hope you are able to get the help you need from him.

Hangingon