Of course I emailed back about wanting to believe her but that it's hard for me to do right now having not been believed in the past. This is the way I feel right now, I didn't want to lie to her about those feelings. Yet, I feel bad for sending it to, for not giving her the same respect in believing what she is telling me.

I know it has to do with my lack of trust, I could have said thanks and left it at that but that wouldn't get me far. I am trying to be as honest with her as possible. I have kept this stuff a secret for way too long because the first time I ever told, I was scolded and told "how could you ever say something like that about a man who takes care of the family". From that point on I never told a soul, until now.

I know I really have to open up about these things if I want to heal but when I do talk about them, it sets me spinning for a couple days.

I have this huge, huge fear that if I open up and share these secrets I will be worse off, that I will end up losing control, or being crazy. My defense mechanisms have worked so well for so long and they still do in a sense.

Yet, I am also beginning to realize that they cause me to keep people out, and I want to be able to connect more with people, more than surface level. I never thought it would be so difficult to attempt to heal.