[englishteacher]

I am not a regular drinker. I drink socially. Sometimes I drink too much. Sometimes I drink too much on purpose because it frees me. I lose my fear. I feel strong! My father is/was an alcoholic. My husband drinks daily, which is a totally different issue. Usually, I avoid alcohol because I have a very addictive personality. I'd rather not add to my existing problems with alcoholism, which I think is a very healthy reaction to alcoholism in the family.

Right this minute, I want to drink myself into oblivion. Alcohol sets me free...if I drink now, I'll probably regret it, but I'm not sure I care. I guess I'm desperate for some sort of release. Writing about it isn't helping. Talking to my husband is not helping. Talking to my friend, who also suffers depression, is not helping. If I start now, I won't stop until I pass out, but nothing else is helping and I really need my head to shut up.

[splitimage]

I totally get wanting oblivion. But what about the next day? the problems are still there, plus you're hungover. I did it for years, until it cost me my job and worst of all my self respect plus a broken nose along the way. Wanting oblivion has landed me in 3 rehabs and an 8 week stint in a psych ward.

I'm a little over a month sober now, and I still want oblivion every day. But I want to get my life back more than that so every day I make a decision not to drink.

If you're drinking to the point of passing out - you're already playing with fire. And drinking only makes depression worse.

Is it really worth it?

--splitimage

[englishteacher]

Nope - it's not worth it and I didn't. I had a half a glass of wine with dinner and went to bed early.

[splitimage]

Good for you. You made a good decision.

[englishteacher]

thanks splitimage. I'm not sure it was really a choice, but I'd been so busy spinning and worrying all day that I was exhausted...choice or exhaustion, at least I don't have a hang over.

[lynn P.]

Good for you for not drinking too much. You mentioned you worry too much. This is the way I approach worrying - I ask myself if there anything I can do to solve it and I write down the one's I have control over and what I can do. Then I write the ones that are out of my control - then you can either rip it up or put it high on a shelf. The whole idea is - to find a way to put the thoughts to rest.

I don't drink because I'm afraid of turning into my brother who was a life long alcoholic and eventually passed from it - I won't go into details because it may upset some members. My mother was a binge drinker - she would go a while with no drinking, then when she was bothered she would turn to alcohol - I used to hate seeing her like that. I telling you this so you can relate to how your kids might feel. Now that I'm an adult I don't drink because I'm afraid of becoming like them and I can't tolerate being around someone's who's had too much. To me alcohol detroys lives. I praise you for restraining yourself and recognizing your weakness.

[lynn P.]

I hope my post above isn't too depressing for anyone.