[ddavid33]

I dont know how to classify my husband's problem, but it does involve alcohol. Here's what I can tell you..

- He used to drink when he was younger to cope with his problems. He would get completely obliterated and incoherent.

- In his younger years his drinking attributed to bad decision making and in turn, legal issues. (jail)

- Since we've been a couple (5 yrs), and now a married couple, his drinking has depleted to a " not so often event" - HOWEVER- there are times when he does have his occasional favorite wine after work or on the weekend (doesn't get drunk or close to it); BUT, there are times that he decides to have a social drink while at his close friends house, or even here at home - not because anything's wrong but sometimes because he feels like he's in a celebratory mood or again, a social drink. Sometimes when he has too much, he behaves badly. For example:

1. He will become "too happy" and overdoes EVERYTHING. His behavior may seem "joyful, excited or happy, but its OBNOXIOUS!

2. He has a history of becoming violent if he had something weighing heavy on his mind prior to his drink.

3. Yes, he has put his hands on me while intoxicated. It came as a surprise because he NEVER did that before. It happened recently while 5 months pregnant. He mushed pizza in my face and slung me around the room several times because he was mad at me for "making him mad"

4. He came home recently after having one very strong drink (malt liquor) and accused our dog of biting him. However, I was sitting right there and she didn't even go near him! He tackled her to the ground and put her in a submissive headlock. He said he would kill her if she ever did that again and talked to her like a human being. She tried to get away and he tightened his hold on her and acted like he was trying to break her neck. She squealed and cried and wiggled and got away. She was so scared that she peed on the floor and hid behind our rocking chair. SHES A ROTTWEILER for crying out loud...one of the sweetest gentle giants I've ever met. She thinks shes a lap dog!!! I couldn't believe what I saw!!

5. When he got into bed he proudly announced that he would fight a person, a cat or a dog if necessary. ( A Cat..really?)

- at that moment I viewed him as the most pathetic, sorry looser in the world. Now, I'm 1 week away from delivering our 1st baby (girl) and I'm so worried that he will do this again.

He's tried to excuse himself by saying that several months may go by between incidents with none in between, and that there isn't a physical dependence on the substance, HOWEVER, when it does happen he doesn't act rationally or normally. He's either obnoxious and giddy or violent. I'm worried that he will come home after having one too many and wake the baby up and be unsafe with her. OR be violent.

I'm trying to start anew in my new marriage and family. I'm going back to school (since work is hard to find) and have so many hopes and expectations for us. I'm worried that his behavior will jeopardize my personal success in school and our success as a family. He has improved in so many ways and has matured in many ways - but this still seems to be an issue that surfaces every few months.

Can anyone help with advice as to how I can cope with this, keep myself and family safe and not have his potential future mistakes prevent me from achieving my goal of finishing my degree so I can provide for the children? I'm also trying to deal with anger and resentment. I feel like I'm loosing respect for him as well.

[Christina86]

First thoughts, will try to remember to come back.

1. You should look up Al-Anon in your city for some added support, or find a therapist so you have someone to talk to.

(This is if you plan on staying with this person)

2. Leave him. He sounds like he could become potentially dangerous (and already is dangerous, even if it's only sporadically) and that is not a healthy environment for you and DEFINITELY not for your baby on the way! Speaking as a person who gave up drinking and who knows what alcohol can do to a person (as the child of an alcoholic) ... people don't change unless they choose to do so, and he doesn't sound like he's choosing to do anything constructive to help himself out. So leaving him might be the wake up call he needs that his behaviour affects others. It doesn't need to be permanent, but long enough that he cools down and gets professional help. It's not manipulative to do so, it's healthy. Staying in a relationship in a home where you could get hurt is NOT healthy.

It does not matter that this is a "once in a while" type of an incident, especially when a child is in the picture... it is very, very DANGEROUS. As well, one doesn't need to have a physical dependency on alcohol (or any substance) to have a psychological dependency on alcohol (or any other substance). That means if he CHOOSES to quit drinking and stays sober - basically forever until he figures out his anger issues (at the very least until then, but sobriety completely forever is also an option) - then he'll be better off for it.

From his past history with alcohol, it does ring very big warning bells for a problem with alcoholism.

PLEASE keep yourself safe.

http://www.healthleader.uthouston.ed...epingenemy.htm

[Perna]

Hi, ddavid, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). Sorry you're having such worries about your husband's behavior, especially while you're getting ready to have your child!

Do you or your husband have any male family members or friends he respects that the two of you could talk to together about this issue, see if he could come to a better understanding of his drinking and how it may impact you and your future relationship? I really think you need to talk to him when he's sober and "ignore" his excuses and just lay down what you will/will not accept from him. He obviously cannot drink at all if he becomes unsafe at any time and cannot be trusted.

My husband doesn't drink much at all anymore, I haven't seen him have too much for perhaps 10 or more years. But when our relationship was new, 25 years ago, I experienced him drunk a couple of times and he was a happy drunk, but not at all obnoxious. I cannot imagine his ever getting violent with me (or anyone, especially our cats :-)

I would tell your husband you do not trust him to behave responsibly when he drinks. That is a statement about you, based on your experience, not him, so what he "thinks" about his drinking is not germane. I would then give him a penalty for acting inappropriate when he has been drinking, whether it just be wrestling the dog or being obnoxious; it's your rule/boundary and he can still choose to drink if he wants, but he cannot be inappropriate around you, you get to say what behavior you will put up with. However, you then have to be willing and able to enforce the penalty if he engages in the behavior. I would make the penalty something "important" and/or maybe even see a lawyer (if you say you will take the child and leave him, for example) to make sure you do not get in "trouble" and that you document whatever behavior you feel has crossed the line.

You can't tell him what to do; he's a grown man and has to make his own decisions about his own life but you can tell him where your boundaries are. Maybe make the first penalty only that you will go to a lawyer and now, go buy simple tape recorder and camera to document his actions if he gets drunk. I would also, in the "I will go to a lawyer" talk, further state you will call X to come help you (your father, brother, police, whomever you like), maybe his relative or coworker/boss if he embarrasses easy?

I would first talk to him though, see if you can get him to understand the seriousness of your concerns and how much you love him and want him to be there with you and his child and be a family with him. But if he won't discuss it or gets defensive, I'd see no other choice than to say, "Fine, do what you want, when you want, but I feel I must also and if. . . then. . ."

[Rhiannonsmoon]

As usual Perna is spot on