Starting over again.

First off I'd like to thank everyone who posted in my 90 day thread. The bad news is I have to tell you all I relapsed quite badly this past weekend. I lost my job on June 30'th. No cause at all just management restructuring. July first was a holiday here. July 2 I had to go into my office to clean out my office, say goodbye to a few people, and orient my boss to my files. That pushed me over the edge. It's no excuse, but I started drinking and went on a 3 day bender.

Then to make matters worse, I got up on Mon. morning, badly in withdrawal, distracted and went to drive to the store to pick up some gatorade and easy to digest foods to help with the detox. Coming home I very stupidly made a left into oncoming trafic. Of course in hindsight I shouldn't have been driving I was probably still technically over the limit from the weekend binge. I got hit hard, airbags deployed etc. The car which I'd only bought in March is a total writeoff. I only hope I get enough money from the insurance company to pay off the bankloan. The other saving grace is the police did not do a breathalyzer on me - as I'm sure I would have blown over the limit. I was charged with an improper left turn but that's a minor offence, $110. and 2 points on my licence. I'm lucky to be alive, but I'm badly bruised all over my body from the airbags, the seatbelt, and bouncing around, and I'm very sore.

Dealing with the police, emt's reporting, insurance and stuff took a solid 4 hours, after which I naturally decided to drink some more. I really should know better by now.

I spent Tues. in pretty rough shape getting over the worst of the detox, and talking to various people from AA. Then Wed. my friend Carol from AA came and picked me up and took me to a meeting. I cried through the whole meeting. (Fortunately in AA they're used to things like that). I picked up a desire chip which was kind of hard to do because there were people there who knew me for a while, and know I'd had a year sober before. But everyone was super nice.

I'm going to another meeting tonight. Basically I think I'll go to a meeting every day while I'm unemployed - it'll help keep me from freaking out.

The other thing I'm really scared about - I'll find out tomorrow morning - is I think my treatment program is going to kick me out of the two groups I've been going to. They're really good groups and I like all of the people in them, but they're really strictly abstinance based, and this may have been one relapse too many.

If I am kicked out I can still go to the contemplative group which meats 2 times a week, but it's harm reduction and attendance isn't mandatory and anyone can come so it's not as close knit a group.

But I just have to take it one step at a time.

--splitimage

Oh Split! I am really sorry about the car accident. I remember you just talking about getting a new car, so that really sucks. I am glad you weren't hurt too badly, but I hate that you were hurt at all.

Don't be too hard on yourself about relapsing. You are human and you did a human thing.

As perpetuallysad said, don't be too hard on yourself about the relapsing. It is a very common thing that happens during quitting any addiction, and what matters most is that you are starting the quitting process again. Some people just end up relapsing and think "OK, I've messed up, now I'll never be able to quit." But your thinking is more positive and realistic. In that sense, I respect you a lot. I hope you'll keep us updated on how you're doing.

I'm glad the car accident wasn't too serious. I hope the soreness leaves you as soon as possible.

Thanks perpetuallysad and mellissarecovering.

I had another bombshell dropped on me this morning. I talked to my addictions nurse and they are kicking me out of the two programs I was in. But the real kicker is they're making me come in Tues and Fri's for the contemplative group, which I can live with, but I also have to go in everyday to take supervised antabuse. If I didn't agree to those conditions my Dr. was going to report me to the ministry for a DUI, which would have meant a medical suspension of 6 - 12 months. I need a car for job hunting. In one sense I've dodged a bullet (the suspension) but the alcoholic in me is really resenting the supervised antabuse.

My T is relieved as she thinks I'm suicidal and dangerously out of control. She thinks this will keep me alive, which in a way it will. Or at least until I decide to do something really stupid. I've arranged to go in each morning at 9 to take it, so at least it gets me out of bed and ready to start job hunting each day.

I feel like such a massive screw-up.

--splitimage

You are not a massive screw up. Things in your life are crazy right now and you reacted the best you could. I'm glad you didn't get your license suspended. That would definitely make life harder. So you go in to the clinic each day to take the med so that they can "check" on you everyday? Maybe in a way it is good. It will keep you accountable to yourself and it will help keep you motivated. I am sorry they are kicking you out of the programs though, that seems counter productive.

Hello, splitimage. May you forgive yourself. Focus on today. Get well. Your life is still ongoing.

Good life.

Hello splitimage,

You are not a screw up, you had a relapse. Would you call a cancer patient a screw up for coming out of remission? I don't think so.

You just need to refocus as Byz said; that is probably the most important thing. And the supervision is a blessing not a curse, it is just a tool to assist you to stay sober and to get your life back on track.

You're not alone here and you have support, so eyes forward and on you go,

Rhiannon

Thanks everyone. I haven't quite been doing a meeting a day but I'm going to one almost every day - and crying through all of them. Yesterday was really hard, I went back to what used to be my home group because a friend was getting her 30 year medallion. I saw lots of people I knew and it was really hard admitting that I was just coming back and starting over, but I got through it.

Have very mixed feelings about the two treatment groups I'm being forced to attend by my addictions Dr. but I'm too tired to write properly about that now.. I had a lot of Dr's appointments today. I may come back and write more tomorrow..

--splitimage

Hey you

Sorry about the relapse, that's f-ing hard. I know for me all those triggers would have been too much for me too. Sorry about the car too, and getting kicked out of programs you're a part of... and supervised antabuse?

I hope the AA meetings help you out and you can get another job.

SplitImage,

You have these people in place to help you...trust that they will, if you let them. Please do what the next right step is.

You are at this juncture in your life for a reason, please open your mind to what you have not heard before. Do what you need to do to survive.

Many thoughts coming your way.

Thanks everyone. It's really hard. I know it's for my own good, but I despise having to take supervised antabuse. I'm totally against forced medication so being subject to it is really hard. At least Brenda makes it as painless as possible, but then she really grills me for an account of what I'm going to do with my day, and I don't feel like I have any right to tell her that it's none of her business - they're main focus seems to be on making sure that I am keeping busy.

The two groups that they're making me go to weekly are the contemplative group, and it's really dreadful. It's harm reduction not abstinance based and everybody in it is in really rough shape - lots of legal problems or problems with CAS. Some of the people are putting in time to build up sober time, before they can start the core treatment program, but other's are just trying to moderate use. It's entirely depressing and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be getting out of it. Of course I don't know what's worse, the fact that it's depressing or my ego feeling damaged because that's where my addictions Dr. feels where I belong. (Big part of it I'm sure.)

I see both my psychiatrist and addictions dr. this Thurs. so hopefully I'll find out more about the status of my licence with each of them as well as how long I have to do the supervised meds for.

In one way I'm greatful I was able to negotiate a better severence package from work, because it buys me some time to focus on myself which I need right now (except that my AA sponsor keeps telling me that that's self-centered and that I need to get out of myself).

I'm going to 4 - 5 AA meetings a week and pretty much crying my way through all of them, and I've been doing some writing around step 1 which has been hard but proved enlightenning.

I finally feel like I'm desparate enough to do anything, whereas up until now, I still retained some thought that I could manage on my own. Now I see that I can't - and that scares me. Because i've never been able to rely on people before.

Each day that goes by without a relapse is a confidence builder.

Best wishes.

To repeat whats already been said; we have an addiction. whether active or not we all have to keep on our toes. i have several mental diorders so when i hit a stressful trigger i just go crazy (LOL) which is not a good thing but has allowed me to keep my sobriety for 25 years (not said to impress you-just stating the facts). please be gentle with yourself. MANY alcoholics have relapses before successfully staying sober. the most important thing (just my opinion) is to learn what to do when the stress and triggers hit. i have a support system, a sponsor and meetings to run to/ call when the s%*t hits the fan.

Be gentle with yourself you came back to AA and have been given the opportunity to get sober. it is a gift. it is now your call as to whether to open the gift and accept it or place it on the back of the shelf. Sounds like you are opening it. More meetings, in my opinion, is a fantastic idea.

"Acceptance is not surrender. It is acknowledging the reality of a situation and deciding what you are going to do about it"- Anonymous

maureen

Thanks The Byzantien and maureenjs. It's still really hard, but it's getting a bit better. I'm still averaging about 5 meetings a week. I've joined a really great home group, that meets Tues & Thurs and I'm looking forward to getting more involved with them.

I have a good sponsor, who although we don't always see eye-to-eye on everything, at least we respect each other enough to have differing opinions and instead of saying just screw it and running I am trying to follow her suggestions even when they feel weird and fake like praying.

I shared the step 1 writing I had done with my sponsor and it really took her aback. She had no idea how bad my drinking was or how far down it had taken me, or how many times I have tried to get sober. I'm glad that i shared it with her, because now I think she has a better understanding of how sick I am, and how hard it is for me that she didn't have before. She came into AA relatively early in her drinking career and never had an obsession to drink so she doesn't really understand that aspect of my problem. But she's great at calling me on my BS which I appreciate.

I'm going IP Aug. 11 on a psych admission, to help deal with my MH issues. My addictions Dr. is adament that I need it, and my psychiatrist thinks it's a good idea. I'm less sure that I need to be IP, but am willing to accept that my judgement may not be 100% right now. If nothing else I should learn some new coping skills to help manage my depression and PTSD. I hope they'll let me out mid week to attend AA meetings, but if not, at least I get to come home on weekends so I can at least make my Sat. morning women's meeting, which is another group that I really like.

I'm trying not to freak out over job hunting - I'll be able to start mid Sept. once I get out of IP which should be enough time to find another job before my severence / health benefits run out. And I know I'm in much better shape emotionally and mentally than I was the last time I was job hunting.

The threat of losing my licence, from both my psychiatrist and my addictions Dr. is still hanging over my head, so I'm doing everything I can to comply with their conditions. I'm going IP. I show up every day for supervised antabuse, and I keep going to the 2 contemplative groups each week.

One positive, is my addictions Dr. has let me back into women in recovery that is an abstinance based group for women that meets Mon. afternoon. It's a really healthy group that I get a lot out of, and I'm profoundly grateful that she's let me back into it.

I'm really scared all the time, and I'm still crying a lot, but things are getting a bit better. I'm really trying to take it a day at a time, but still find that hard.

I just know I really have to embrace the AA program whole heartedly this time, because it's worked for me in the past, and I see it working for other people, and I kind of feel like I'm out of other options.

Desperation is a great motivator.

--splitimage

((((((((((SplitImage)))))))))))))

splitimage, you are a courageous and determined person. I hope the time you spend inpatient turns out to be a key step for you.

Be well.

One day at a time... (although, I'll admit it's hard to do that at the best of times).

Thanks everybody. Fri. was officially 30 days sober. That felt good. I think going IP will be good for me too - to just have some place where I can focus on getting healthy. I'm taking my copy of the big book and a bunch of other recovery lit in with me to read. Don't know if they'll let me out during the week to attend AA meetings - I'm hoping that they will, but it depends on how strict a program it is. At least I'll be coming home on weekends, so I'll be able to go to AA Sat. morning.

Yesterday was officially 60 days sober, which I'm happy about. And today I get out of IP. IP has been really good for me. In addition to all the regular group therapy around mood disorders (what I was in for) they also had me working one on one with a social worker on mood regulation, distress tolerance, and relapse prevention. It was super helpful.

The good news is I'm officially no longer depressed, which feels really weird. The even better news is I'm no longer constantly obsessing about drinking - yeah I still think about it occassionally, but it's much easier to ignore.

I start back on the supervised antabuse at NYGH tomorrow. still hate the idea but think it's probably for the best while I'm job hunting.

Now I have to buy a car, but interview suits, and get ready to job hunt in earnest.

--splitimage