magnificent audacity

in my experiences before getting sober there was no beauty in throwing up in the "porcelin goddess", hand tremors, leg temors, being shackled to the bottle 24/7. waking up in DT's and hoping to get to the bottle downstairs-i wasn't a creative drinker-before i dry heaved and then throwing up bile. one time i suddenly had a revelation...i hadn't put anything in my body but booze for 5 days. not a bit of food. nor water. i opened a can of corn and ate it out of the can. i wasn't even hungry. no beauty in that either. sorrowful looking at best.
i ran from my feelings. i only wanted to numb them, make them go away, to make my life's despair to disappear. i stayed emotionless for 5 years. no tears, no joy, no freedom, no life.
at the end alcohol had even taken away my desire to live. i was so incredibly exhausted from having to compulsively drink. no life but alcohol.
no hope, so helpless to stop the viscious cycle. lost my soul. alcohol promised me the world and lied, lied, lied. it was destroying me both physically, emotionally. it was driving me insane. i prayed for death.

i hope something i've replied may be something you can relate to. there's nothing about addiction that one likes for any length of time, imho. i can offer you hope but only if you want it. are you ready to be courageous enough to stare into the eyes of the demon?
there is hope and a solution but only if you want it.
from the big book of AA-
"The Promises"

From the Book ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

Chapter 6 - "INTO ACTION" (Page 86)


.....If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. 1. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness,

2. We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it,
3. We will comprehend the word serenity,
4. And we will know peace.
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain insight into our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook will change.
10. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. 12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for outselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us--sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.....