[DreaminAzul]

I have been smoking weed (heavily) since I was very young. I have stopped for short periods of time, but that was mainly because I had moved to a new place and did not know where to get it, or when I was pregnant.

This time I asked my doc for help, which was a good thing because it was the last "tell on myself" with him. He knew I smoked, but he did not know how severe it was. So, he was helping, and I finally stopped again, and this time was serious. Or so I thought.

I was doing OK, especially since he was available to help me when I got the cravings, or when serious bouts of irritability came up, then I got involved in occupy. OK, so I am heavily invested in seeing this movement progress, but there is an awful LOT of smoking going on, and I started again. This caused problems between my therapist, and myself. I was mad at him because he would not talk to me about occupy, and I finally realized he was upset because of what I was doing to myself.

I am going to digress here a bit, but think it is necessary for everyone to see the whole picture. First of all, my doc and I have known each other for several years now, and have a very good working relationship. So, when he would not talk to me about something, I was angry and hurt. I thought he was abandoning me because I chose to do something he was against.

He and I communicate a lot through email, and he says every communication we have needs to be in the record. So, since I am broke, and would have a hard time paying someone to do the cut, paste, and taking out the garbage, I do it. However, because I was mad (I am sure the lack of ambition marijuana gives us did not help) I had gotten away from it. Now that I am getting over the anger, I realized how far back I was, and started going through the mail.

I am glad we made this deal about cut and paste, because I learn a lot from going through the mail. I always, or should I say always did, cut and past everything right before our sessions. Since I decided I needed to go back to the emails, I, indeed, learned. In fact, I went "holy ****!"

I was doing really well before becoming involved with occupy, and I totally went downhill. He and I were actually at a peak in our therapy together and were moving in to some more serious matters. I have to say most of the regression had to do with smoking. The rest was I was trying to talk with him, and seek his help, but everything I said was defending why I was doing the very thing that was hurting me. No wonder he did not want to talk about it... I was actually giving him no choice, unless he wanted to argue.

So, back to the marijuana issue... I am now clean for a month, and feeling good. The irritability is gone, and running from the irritability is why I usually failed. Great, you say, what is wrong with this? It all sounds good. Well, sounds good. You see, spring is here, occupiers are coming from their winter homes, and hitting the streets again. I want to support this revolution/movement. Second, the woman downstairs has been smoking more lately, and it drifts up through the vents into my home, and I can smell it. I have always loved the way pot smells, but it also makes me want to smoke.

So far, neither my activities in occupy, and therefore being around weed all the time, nor my neighbor smelling up my house, has given me too many cravings.

Here's the twist, for me anyway. I am a street medic (amongst other things) and I am in medic mode whenever at occupy. At the moment, I am only participating in marches, and actions. However, that may soon change, because people have started camping at the federal reserve again. Which means, I am sure, more police raids. Because of this threat, us medics will start taking shifts at camp. Also, I am the person who has most of the supplies, including warm clothing and blankets. Which means I will be down there on a regular basis distributing them. I have such mixed feelings about it all. Not only do I not want to start smoking again, I do not want to regress in therapy again, nor do I want my relationship with my therapist to be damaged again. I do not think the latter will happen, because we had a good talk about what happened, and how we both misunderstood each other. I am still scared of all of it, though.

I'm confused.