[clouds_and_sun]

This is so hard for me to say, I am in tears over this.
But my OTC (over the counter) drug abuse is nonstop now. See I am prescribed my anti-depressants, anti-panic meds and my sleep aid. I am so lonely that I want to sleep my life away so on top of my prescribed meds I take these OTC meds (dramamine and tylenol).
See let me explain my situation so you can understand me better.
I don't drive, my only friend works over 40 hours a week, I live far away from places in a not so safe neighborhood, not near the bus system. Walking is not an option cause of the neighborhood I live in is not safe, I don't work cause of anxiety/panic disorder. I have applied for social security disability back in Jan. nothing yet
Okay so, I met a guy online (not this site) who I really like but he has been playing mind games with me, one minute talks to me the next he is distant from me. he has been hot and cold towards me and that has hurt me deeply and he knows my feelings.
So as you can see I am very very lonely, so lonely that all i want to do is take the drugs, sleep and if they kill me oh well. I can't stop. The hospitals here are scary especially for someone like me with no income and no insurance, I had a friend who went to one here and they treated her like crap and she said she was scared out of her mind.
The reason that I do want to die cause of the loneliness, no I am not suicidal as in will I take my life now, I do want to leave to the wilderness away from the drugs and away from people who hurt me and mostly the loneliness and hope that I will die out there.
All I ever wanted was to fall in love, but how can I with my given situation, the only way is online. I have ran into some pretty creepy guys online, I am in my upper 30's and I have never been in love, WOW.
So the only thing that I have to live for, to be excited about in my life is my drug usage (OTC drugs with my prescrip drugs) and please know that I never abuse my prescript drugs, I take what I am suppose to take. But I want that high so badly I take it with the OTC drugs.
My family history is, mother is a 24/7 drunk, so was her mother, and her grandmother, my only sibbling was into drugs. My family had estranged me 3 years ago way before my drug abuse. I think that is part of what started the OTC drug abuse.
I feel my life under the conditions that I am in, is a dead end, I want to get high because I hate feeling this lonely.
What am I to do????
Loneliness is so painful, the drugs are the only way to numb that pain.
People say to me for me to get out go to a Church or something but I can't cause I live so far out and I have tried like heck to find another place to live, but that is hard.
Thank you for listening and if you have any kind advice I would appreciate it. I don't know what else to do anymore, except to leave All I ever wanted was to fall in love and I have heard many stories of those who have fallin in love with people online, it happens.
BTW I just took some OTC meds and I am feeling the affects of it big time now. But I am so relaxed that it has helped me to get all of this out.
Thanks for reading this.
I sure hope that no one ever feels the pain of loneliness and I hope that you all have someone who loves you, your spouse or family members cause really loneliness is the worst!

[Perna]

I would see if you could change the sleeping for reading or something that is slightly better/much less dangerous for you? I am reminded of author Cynthia Voigt's novel The Runner, http://www.amazon.com/The-Runner-Cyn.../dp/0590483803 where a guy just runs when he's feeling that messed up. I spent 10+ years reading and going to therapy before I finally was able to really get myself out of it. You cannot meet anyone new or get a job or make friends or anything unless you work on those things instead of sleeping/avoiding the pain.

[roads]

Originally Posted by clouds_and_sun

my OTC (over the counter) drug abuse is nonstop now. See I am prescribed my anti-depressants, anti-panic meds and my sleep aid. .... so on top of my prescribed meds I take these OTC meds (dramamine and tylenol).

....

I don't drive, my only friend works over 40 hours a week, I live far away from places in a not so safe neighborhood, not near the bus system. Walking is not an option cause of the neighborhood I live in is not safe, I don't work cause of anxiety/panic disorder. I have applied for social security disability back in Jan. nothing yet
Okay so, I met a guy online (not this site) who I really like but he has been playing mind games with me, one minute talks to me the next he is distant from me. he has been hot and cold towards me and that has hurt me deeply and he knows my feelings.

....

I do want to die cause of the loneliness, no I am not suicidal as in will I take my life now, I do want to leave to the wilderness away from the drugs and away from people who hurt me and mostly the loneliness and hope that I will die out there.

....

My family history is, mother is a 24/7 drunk, so was her mother, and her grandmother, my only sibbling was into drugs.

....

What am I to do????....
People say to me for me to get out go to a Church or something but I can't cause I live so far out and I have tried like heck to find another place to live, but that is hard... All I ever wanted was to fall in love and I have heard many stories of those who have fallin in love with people online, it happens....I sure hope that no one ever feels the pain of loneliness and I hope that you all have someone who loves you, your spouse or family members cause really loneliness is the worst.

You say, "BTW I just took some OTC meds and I am feeling the affects of it big time now. But I am so relaxed that it has helped me to get all of this out." Please don't think I'm dismissing your feelings as unimportant, clouds_and_sun, they are very important--but while we're under the influence, they tend to go over the top. I'm setting them aside for the moment, to try to see what the issues are that we might actually be able to suggest things we've used as ways to cope. Okay?

Re: OTC drug addiction: I've met people at both AA and NA who have come for OTC drug use addictions. It's real and recognized. MDs admit patients patients into hospitals for withdrawal & early stabilization. You can approach this through an online program, since leaving daily for meetings doesn't sound feasible for you. I'll give you two links:
http://www.aaonline.net/ , http://www.12step.org/
There may be a greater, immediate threat to you from these OTC drugs, though, than addiction. Tylenol seems so safe, but even a small amount over the recommended dose* can throw your kidneys and/or liver into crisis and even cause organ failure, possibly leading to death. Alcoholics getting high on NyQuil do themselves more harm usually from the Tylenol than from the alcohol they consume. http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/t...phen-poisoning
*3-grains in 24-hrs

Okay, on to 2nd issue. You're isolated: 1 friend with no time (for you, I guess), no transportation, don't work, live in boondocks in unsafe neighborhood.

So you can't go walking--or running, as Perna suggests. But there are free exercise tapes online! It sounds as if you get no exercise. There are travel tapes too, all kinds of computer things, even neighborhood blogs and such that might let you safely connect with neighbors. Might even get you more facetime with your friend, if schedules dont mesh. That computer can get you out, even if real life has you trapped.

Reading is a great escape too, as Perna mentions. Our library has a program for home-bound patrons, and you might qualify with your local public library--ask about it! Our community librarian visits weekly with a big bag of books and as times passes gets to know better the reader's preferences.

About that guy. Really? He's not going to change, you know. The way he treats you now would be the way he would treat you forever; at least, that's the best you can reasonably expect. Is that what you're willing to settle for? If so, tbh you're so much better off alone--not to mention at least in no danger from him. My best advice about him: Drop him, no explanations, no pleas to change. I know of only ONE online romance that didn't turn out IRL to be a total, heart-breaking disaster & some were financially ruinous as well. Why add misery to loneliness?

This is getting way too long. Are you still with me, or am I just way too ?
-continuing-