[madisgram]

when i first tried to get sober i was sittin' on that fence. i didn't really believe i could stay sober but i was one hurtin' pup. i went to AA mtgs cuz that was the conventional method. and all they talked about was booze!!! i thought how is this helping me stay sober if everyone talks about booze all the time? i could hardly wait for the mtg. to end so i could run to the liquor store and get some of that sweet nectar. and anyway according to those AA's this sober stuff was TOO MUCH WORK for me!
booze took me places in my head i never dreamed was possible..i lost the will to live, i lost my soul, i was an empy shell. i'd say to myself, your life is just breathing air...no purpose, no joy, no hope...A BLACK VOID. i realized i didn't have a handle on the booze. i finally recognized it had a handle on me... and told me what to do each and every day..every moment..every second..i saw no way out. i was compelled to drink. to justify my existance i kept an immaculate home and made gourmet meals. BUT in order to do that i had to drink all the way through the tasks. even vaccuming! even ironing! i isolated myself cause i could drink like i wanted to. copious drinking. but i used a crystal glass and added ice to my straight scotch with a twist so how could i have a problem? later the crystal glass was replaced by a long narrow tupperware glass. more room to put the booze and i didn't have to get up as often to make another drink. and the ice was still solid in the tupperware "glass" so i saved on ice too. i had stopped adding the twist. sorry i get carried away with my story...
so what i did when i thought maybe drinking had destroyed my life was to try AA and to TRY to not drink. well that didn't work. i negotiated how much each day i would allow myself to drink. towards the end it was a pint. and i punished and humiliated myself by every other day revisting the same liquor store. maybe that shame would fix the drinking. oh my god the absolute AGONY as the day grew longer and the booze was almost gone. i learned later this is what they call controlled drinking. i also tried not drinking during the week and drinking on weekends. very quickly i rewarded myself and allowed myself to drink also on thursdays. by the time i upped the ante and drank on wednesdays also i said, oh what the hey! just drink and stop punishing yourself! JUST DRINK, DRINK, DRINK. no one is affected by your drinking so no harm done.
well harm done was in my mind as time went on. the remorse, the feeling of absolute failure, the lost HOPE. i'd be lying in the bed praying to God he'd take me in my sleep so i wouldn't go to hell by offing myself. i didn't want to live anymore.
my drinking had become a low-life JOB with notorious long hours.
what was i going to do??!!!...to be continued...
how would you solve my problem if i came to you with it?

[lynn P.]

Thank you for sharing your story and struggles getting sober ((madisgram)). This a great accomplishment to give up alcohol and stay sober. You're an excellent role model in this forum. Even though I don't drink my life was affected by alcohol. Keep up the excellent job.