just a person!...definitely nothing superhuman!
what the hell is going on? I've only been sober for a few minutes this entire week...or is it three weeks?...closer to three weeks.

...just as I've put all the empty beer bottles back in their box....it seems new ones suddenly re-appear...all empty....and I put them away so gently terrified by the "clink" sound they make...and it's impossible not to clink them...

those few minutes when I'm sober I feel like I'm cleaning up after a stranger...and even the house was unbelievably immaculate when the real estate agents came for routine inspection on wednesday...I think it was wednesday?

but something has rocked me ...!....to continue to take such risks with my body...strange goings on inside from all the alcohol ....and especially my mind...! ...in a permanent state of horror and regret...such is the effect I know it so well.

and refusing to eat because food will dilute the alcohol?...wtf?...until it's desperate hunger and the cooking things and the urgency at 4 in the morning...or was it 5...or 3am...and even more bizarre knowing this was gonna happen and finding things I bought in preparation for the experience.

...and with bipolar and borderline the self medicating is instinctive.

something goes really wrong inside and I don't know?
the bottles just keep piling up...I'm not a man I'm a worm...
blind and underground

I don't know if my optimism is a survival thing or just foolish?
I can't fall apart I think I just want to... something rocks me I'm so distant
all the time and only I know this.

...no matter what I do I just cannot fall apart....surely it's less painfull than 'keeping it together'

...and the bottles just keep piling up

you are not alone. you were just the only one brave enough to be honest.

[Leed]

Are you even CLOSE to surrendering? Do you THINK you might want to stop? Are you considering it? Isn't it scaring you? What about your liver? Do you want to end up like my son -- fighting for his life from liver damage? He's only 42, but if he drinks again it means death.

Do you know that you're killing yourself? WE DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE.

[kindachaotic]

james......please.
the boy inside needs a chance.

[madisgram]

james, it sounds like war of the world. please know down deep inside you there is a will to live that wants a fair chance. your regret and remorse can stop when you stop fighting. what feelings are you running from with such vigor? can you envision a time when you were a child and the world was your oyster? find that "wonder" and it will help to set you free.