Should I Still Drink?

I feel I have a bit of a dilemma. When I first met my husband, we went out a lot together at bars, concerts, with friends, etc. We always had a really good time and he was always the life of the party. However shortly after we started seeing each other, I noticed he drank heavily and he always seemed to get in situations when we was drinking. Whether just sleeping in and showing up late to work (we worked together) or getting in arguments with friends, he just wasn't a person who should get that drunk. After we started spending a lot of time together as friends, he mentioned he was really interested in dating. Having come out of a relationship with someone recently at that point who had a SERIOUS drinking problem, I was very cautious and was very honest with him upfront about my thoughts. Several weeks later he let me know that he had decided to stop drinking. I thought "hmm is he doing this for me, and ya right just out of the blue you're not going to drink anymore?". But time went on and he really had stopped drinking. Fast forward to now (3.5 years later) he hasn't had a drop of alcohol since that day he told me he was quitting. He also quit smoking and overall just turned his life around before he went down that path. I love him very much and respect his decision for not drinking. At first I told him I would support him by not drinking with him. I did that for about 9 months and then felt that it might be ok for me to start drinking a glass of wine here and there. I haven't been drunk since I was in college and I'm not the type that likes to be intoxicated or drink until I'm drunk. I enjoy wine and that's about it and can rarely drink more than 2 glasses. Anyway, at first he wasn't super excited about the fact that I would drink wine again after "quitting" with him and he expressed to me a few times that he felt left out or that even though it wasn't hard for him to not drink, he missed the social aspect of it and it was hard for him to watch me get to go out with friends and enjoy wine or whatever. As time went on he has just learned to accept it and now doesn't say anything about it to me. But I do often wonder if I'm being disrespectful by having wine in the house and drinking in front of him. He acts like he truly doesn't care if I drink or not, and sometimes encourages it, but he's so serious about his sobriety that he won't even kiss me if I've had a sip of wine because he doesn't want to taste it at all. He won't even take communion at church because he thinks they might accidentally serve wine instead of grape juice.
Does it seem like I'm being selfish for not giving up alcohol too? Although I support him 100% I don't feel like it was something I needed to give up because I don't have a problem with alcohol. I don't look down on him for the way it affects him, but I do feel that I should still be able to enjoy my wine as long as I don't get drunk and flaunt it around him (which I have never done and will never do). Also does anyone think I might be setting him up to relapse? He wasn't a wine drinker to begin with, his drink of choice was jagger or bud light, both of which I couldn't be paid to drink. I know anyone can relapse, but he is so so serious about his sobriety and has no desire to ever drink again. Please let me know your thoughts!
Thank you!

I think you should maybe not drink as much around him, he sounds like he is successful at stopping the drinking, you don't want to be the reason he started drinking again if he does, by having it in view, or just around the house. Alcoholics can just have one drink and the whole cycle starts over again. If i were you i would try not to drink when he's around, and i am very proud of him for doing what he has done so far, you should be proud of him.

I can understand how he would feel bad that you start to drink again after quitting with him for so long. It was something the two of you shared together. By quitting with him it also helped you bond with him and now you want to go back to drinking but he can't? If I were him I would feel quite offended and hurt. Why is it you feel the need to drink when you agreed with him you would quit drinking with him?

You don't have a problem with alcohol and yet you are not indifferent, can-take-it-or-leave-it, either. I think it would depend, for me, on who I wanted to be, for myself.

It does seem to bother you, enough that you wrote this post to "strangers", that your husband may be being left out, lonely, having a harder time than he deserves (not being able to even kiss you after you have been drinking or take communion) when you could perhaps ameliorate that somewhat; if you did not drink he and you could kiss whenever either partner wanted :-)

My brother and sister-in-law do not drink; he was an alcoholic and she doesn't have any need to drink at all so doesn't either. When my husband and I are around them, we do order a beer (lunch/dinner out) but I know my brother is like your husband, will not eat any desserts or main dishes where alcohol or alcohol flavorings have been used, even if the alcohol has burned off (meats). I feel slightly guilty but know my husband does not and that's partly where I draw the line; I support my husband (and my brother and sister-in-law live in another state so we only see them maybe once or twice a year). It reminds me a little of my stepmother who would smoke when my father handed her a cigarette but she literally did not inhale; she had no trouble giving up smoking when my father had to (he had trouble).

It's okay to drink (I do) but if my husband had a problem with it and said he missed the social aspect, I think I would join him in his social isolation. I want to be with and share with him whatever I can. My husband drinks less than I do (like you did less than your husband) and I sometimes feel ashamed when I have had more than my body has wanted and have a headache, etc. (my husband moderated his drinking specifically so he does not have physical problems), that I do not practice more self-control. It is my life and should be lived as I decide rather than mindlessly, based on my taste buds wanting steak when I want to save money and only have hamburger

Thank you for the advice. It's not that I need to drink, it's just that I have always enjoyed wine with dinner or at the end of a long day of work, but the difference between him and I is that I stop at 1 or max 2 and have no desire to drink beyond that. Sometimes he encourages it because I don't always handle stress well and that is one thing that helps relax me which helps relax him But then it's confusing because other times it seems to bother him. Maybe those are the times when his sobriety feels challenged, I'm not sure. I definitely wouldn't want to be the one that caused him to drink again, I just think he is so strict in his sobriety that me drinking wine wouldn't cause that, but you never know. His parents drink A LOT of wine and always drink in front of him when they are visiting, and I think he honestly looks at them like "Wow I'm glad I don't drink like that". I think not having it in the house is probably a good idea, that's kind of like wagging it in his face and that's not really fair. I guess I'm just conflicted because I don't know much about alcohol addiction. My husband quit one day and never looked back but he doesn't attend AA or belong to any support groups so I really don't know the aspects of having a partner who is an alcoholic.

I think in many ways it is like any habit/addiction; look at cigarettes and how hard those who give up or try to give up have with the associations they had from before. You get into certain habits and unthinking ways and habit takes over. I'm sure your husband would like the taste of a good glass of wine too but. . .

My brother was the same way only had been worse, in jail for dui's, etc. but he never did AA or support groups, just finally quit and rebuilt his life. I think, if I were you, I would at least try to take up some other stress reliever, maybe something he could engage in too? Ballroom dancing?

It doesn't sound to me like you have a problem with alcohol, so you are not someone I would advise to quite outright. I would however respect your partner's decision not to kiss you if you've been drinking - as someone who has been sober 7 years, I can honestly say that while I am more or less okay with people drinking around me (though I prefer to avoid it as much as humanly possible), I do not like the smell of it at all. Not on other people, not anywhere. So kissing someone who's been drinking, even someone I love, is a dealbreaker for me.
I would trust your partner. If he has a problem, he'll let you know. But in the meantime I would just take his attempts at protecting his own boundaries - which is all they are, by the sounds of it - as just that and not let it alter your opinion of yourself in anything. If you feel like you want to stop drinking, or cut down on what you're already drinking, that's a valid choice too. But don't do it for him, especially if he's already made it clear that it doesn't bother him. It'll just make you feel more uncomfortable.
I do agree with Perna. It's also good to find other things that feel good...since I've been sober I've often questioned the use of alcohol recreationally at all. I notice that a lot of people who don't have a problem with it tend to drink it with dinner, out with friends, etc. Maybe it's because I've never been a 'normal' drinker, but I guess I don't see the point. I have learned to live life without it and find that it just complicates everything. But then I know lots of people who can have one drink or one glass of wine or whatever and stop with that. So who am I to say?
Good luck, whatever happens.

Thank you so much for the feedback and advice! I truly appreciate it!

I think it will be ideal if you support him not to have another relapse. You can have the wine at least not in front of him. OK, any way if it does not hurt him nice. All the Best..

In your situation I wouldn't keep alcohol in the house.

I'd think of this like as if my husband was allergic to nuts and I was not. I wouldn't keep any nuts in the house, I'd read ingredients and make sure our shared living space was nut free. I'd be able to eat nuts elsewhere and if he was highly allergic, as in kissing would even be risky, I'd be mindful of that.

I'd find another way to unwind in the evening after work. Maybe a glass of sparkling cider and a warm bath, a new habit that is a treat and helps me relax.