[voided]

Hello,
so I'm starting to see a counselor again tomorrow, the first time I've gone in a long time. I'm a little worried about what they will tell me but I feel that I really need to start going in to see someone. The anti-psychotic pills they gave me just aren't cutting it anymore. I know that there are a couple of things that I need to work on. One of the biggest and more in-your-face problems is with my drinking. I used to drink a lot. I don't so much anymore but I know that its a problem because when I drink I have extremely poor impulse control. It isn't by far the root of my problems but it definitely makes them manifest and explode outwards. I have deep seeded suspicions and hostility that I hold towards people and just can't seem to let go of. I am told by others that I always read way too deeply into what others say to me, and see criticism where it wasn't intended to be. I take advice and other efforts to help me apparently as criticism as well. I don't know. I just have a hard time with it. I find I get into funks. I begin to get hostile towards them and think that they are out to get me, or that they are turning others against me. I'm not sure if they are or not, but I'm more than sure than I'm not. Either way, I get drunk and it all floods back and I get almost like a shark and just lash out at the people who I think are hurting me, have hurt me or are trying to. So that is on the top of the list right now, is stopping the booze. I have literally lost all of my friends because of it. I just can't seem to get myself to stop though. I always drink WAY too much when I do, even if I keep myself from drinking, the moment I get the cash and the time I always drink hard. Even though I lost my friends, I don't think that they were very good friends to begin with. They would come to me when they needed emotional support or someone to drink and party with, but as soon as things got rough, turn on me and leave me in the dust by myself. I left the town that I used to live in and it seems like as soon as I did, they all started to get pissed at me all of a sudden. Apparently, if the rumors were true, none of them liked me all too much to begin with. Either way, I am trying to find my way into more positive things and I hope, although I am admittedly afraid, that going to see the counselor and starting to attend support meetings for my alcoholism will be a start. I am sick of hurting myself.

[Rose3]

Hope that your meeting with a counsellor went ok, and that this is someone who you can work with over time. Of course there are positive things, and alternatives to alcohol. You can make new friends. Additional thought - sometimes it helps to find things to be thankful for, things to appreciate.

[voided]

I have been trying to do exactly that recently. I've also been trying to take responsibility for the things that I have done that are wrong. I think it's one of those things where it is impossible to move on if you can't acknowledge that you had done something in the first place. I didn't end up going to see the counselor unfortunately, I ended up getting a bug that sort of kicked my ***** the morning I was supposed to go. Thankfully though it is walk-in and I can go whenever day it is open as soon as the holiday season is over. I think I can hold out until then. I was looking into AA for a while, but found an alternate program; it has options for one-on-one addiction counseling as well as group therapy. I think that will work out better for me because the last times I've tried AA but it never worked for me... The whole spiritual aspect of it and the higher power thing isn't for me personally. Either way, I feel like I'm on my way. I've also purged my contact with people in my life who I now consider to be poisonous. People that used to be more so drinking buddies than friends, people that leaned on me for emotional support but would back out on me when things got rough, people who would criticize me a lot and tell me that my struggles with mental health were an illusion and an excuse for my bad behavior. The last part is the one that would really get to me the most among my old "friends". I wish it were true sometimes, and that were really the case, and I can understand their frustration in dealing with me to a degree. I know that to them it would look like I was having tantrums for no reason or just lashing out at them because I'm a jerk but they aren't able to see inside my head. They can't see the desperation of feeling like the world is out to get you, to the point that you are afraid to leave your house because you feel an impending sense of doom hovering over you; like someone, for some reason, is going to get you for something that you don't even remember doing. They can't see how hard it is to trust even the people closest to you; always thinking - to the point of knowing and planning - for when they are going to turn on you and try to ruin your life. They don't know how it feels to be so skeptical to try for anything that would improve your life because you feel like as soon as something good happens, it will be snatched away from you shortly afterwards. They don't know how hard it is to wake up and literally feel like there is nothing worth getting out of bed for; and feeling that way for no practical reason at all. They don't know what it's like to constantly feel cornered, and judged, and conspired against. The ones who I would make the mistake of trusting and letting in would give me a sad look sometimes and say they understand; giving me crocodile tears and offering support when it's convenient for them to do so but when it really came down to it, they don't give a ***** about me and never did. Sometimes they would just be straight out with what they all thought; that it was an excuse for me not to get my life together. It was something that I used as a ticket to just coast by, day-to-day, without any judgement. I even had one of them once tell me with a straight face that my obsessive compulsion (I twist my hair into knots and pull it out, to the point of having large patches of it missing) was a stupid little habit and something I just liked to do. Yes, it's awesome, I love having to shave my head because I can't manage to grow it past two inches before its missing in areas, I love thinking that I look like a d*ck (I hate having short hair, and really desire to have long hair like I used to before it got bad again eventually) and being so self-conscious about how I look that I used to look in the bathroom mirror and have f*cking cried over it. I love that even when I grow it back, it takes months for the thinned out patches to become thick again and having to be afraid of the day that it won't get thick again. I just look back at it and think about my interactions with them and I get so angry sometimes. I think about the times that I would say "I feel like I'm going to go over the edge, I need help, real help." and they would tell me what I really needed to do was suck it up. I think about the times that I would want to quit drinking after a particularly bad morning (I get VERY anxious and depressed and paranoid when I'm hungover) and actually make an effort, and as soon as they found out their reaction would be either laughter, followed by "You always say that, you aren't going to quit, you love drinking too much to quit." or the ones that would even go to the extent of waving it in my face saying "C'mann, you know you want to."

As much as it hurts to have some of these people out of my life, remembering the good times that we shared and the experiences that we've had, at the same time it feels like a relief. I know that I can't recover with them. I don't know. I'm still very confused about a lot of things. I'm not used to moments of clarity like the one I've been having for the last week or so.

[gma45]

I hope things work out for you . It sounds like you are on the right path, at least trying to get some help. Those people that you call friends sure don't sound like good friends at all. These things take time give yourself lots of it and you will see a change for the better. Sending good vibes your way!

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm so sorry you feel this way too. I have excluded everyone from my life for the same reasons as you have. Yes it is lonely but I'd rather be miserable alone than with fake friends. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.