My brother's drinking

Hello. I've been reading a lot on this forum, and I think I’d like to share the reason why I’m really here.

I’m afraid my brother’s an alcoholic.

He hasn't bumped his car into anything. He hasn't picked fights with anyone while drunk. He hasn't failed to show to work because of hangovers. He hasn't wasted all of his money getting his booze. Yet.

His routine has been predictable for the last 2 years. He goes to work, comes back home, and then drinks himself to sleep. Or he’ll go out with his friends, go home and drink some more. I don’t really see him drinking since we don’t live together anymore, but can’t remember any time we saw each other without him smelling of alcohol.

Tried talking to him about it, but he will always give the “I’m not a drunkard, I just drink” response. Guess that’s true for now, but what really terrifies me is the thought that one day it’ll get much worse. I’m scared of the day when someone will call me and say that my brother has been involved in a car accident, while drunk.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just too paranoid. I would really appreciate some insight from other people here. Are my fears unfounded? Or am I right that this is something bad?

Given your description of your brother's drinking habits I'd say there's a definite possibility he's an alcoholic. It's good you draw attention to his excessive drinking...& realize that nothing bad has happened YET. Most alcoholics have to hit their own bottom before admitting they have a serious problem with alcohol. It sounds like you're doing all you can to try to spare him the "yets." Other than that, I don't know what else you can do. Perhaps a family intervention might help?

It is very hard to tell with another person, they have to care about their behavior for it to change. My brother was an alcoholic and we (our parents and I) did get many of the calls from police stations about driving intoxicated and worse things (fell up a flight of concrete steps with a glass in his hand, tore up his face and then bled all over his girlfriend's white couch; that was the last straw for her -- he still wears a beard to cover up the scars).

I do not know how old your brother is; if he is in his 20s/early 30s I'd just not associate with him, mayhap he'll meet someone he wants to change for, start a family with, etc. It could pass or it could get worse, no way to tell. If he is talking to you though I'd act disgusted and say something like, "Dude, you stink of booze" or something and wave your hand in front of your face to fan away the fumes. Make sure he knows you do not approve or want to be with him when he smells like that.

Thank you for the responses.

I'm not sure what kind of family intervention we can do. Mom has already voiced out her opinion about his habit and the conversation didn't become an outright argument but sure wasn't a good one either. And Dad has been long gone so he won't be of help, even if he would've wanted to.

Dropped by his place earlier and found him nursing a very bad hangover. Seems he missed work. A neighbor told me he haven't been seen my brother outside for two days already. I have this feeling that things aren't as 'OK' as it actually looks. Might post again if something turns up. Again, my thanks.

Bless u, that's quite difficult. Been there and done that, and in my fam too. Still struggling! The best to u!

It's been a while since I've been here.

So latest update, that day I found my brother with a hangover was the aftermath of drinking for 2 days straight. Seems he had some time off from his work just to drink by himself. And drink he did, he passed out with a bottle in hand.

Still insists that he isn't alcoholic, that it's just a "one-time" thing.

Don't know what to tell him anymore.

You might not be able to help him, however, Al-Anon can help you and your family ...

Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

I don't know how but his boss finally got to beat some sense into his head. Now he's asking me to help him find a good rehab.

Just too happy to say anything.

“I’m not a drunkard, I just drink”
Alcoholism is progressive, it has a beginning, middle and end. It sounds to me like your brother is at the beginning stage. He is an HFA (high functioning alcoholic). He does everything he is supposed to do and drinks the rest of the time. He could kind of plateau in the beginning stage for quite awhile but eventually he will go into the middle stage. This is where he will get sloppy, problems will be more apparent; missed work, money shortages, relationships messed up, etc.
It is really tough to talk to these guys. At this point it is hard to show a downside. The alcohol is still more helpful than harmful. A drunk can quit at any stage in the process but the beginning is by far the hardest.

That is a lot of jabbering. The point is that most likely your brother is already an alcoholic. Which means he is a path that is going to become progressively painful. For you, the people who care, and for himself.

This is speculation but:
I think the guys who have all the relapses are the guys who try to quit in the early middle stages. These folks have consequences for their drinking but the payoff is worth the pain. I think that is what makes them go back, even when they know better. That and the fact that they are usually younger and don't like to admit defeat.