[mommaxo]

So I didn't end up going to an aa meeting last night.
I did however go to a house warming get together.
I met him and her at an aa meeting, and he invited me over.
they are both really kind friendly people.
the guy hasn't drank for 10 years
and the girl has been sober off drugs for awhile, but still drinks every now and then.
The guy's house I went to associates with a biker gang.
I wouldn't consider them a threat to me, or dangerous.
even though people were making me all paranoid
"what if they don't let you leave" "how will you fight two guys off of you"
Which actually really ticks me off. You can't really put the worst possible scenario in someone's head who battles with extreme axienty.
Thankfully nothing ended up happening.

Me and him drank non alcoholic beer from the grocery store, one of the bikers had a mixed drink. But my cravings for alcohol were horrible. The fake beer made it even worse. It tasted like beer, looked like beer, even smelled a bit like beer, and I was just sitting there awkwardly like "why isn't this doing anything to me". I didn't break down until I got back home. I almost had a full blown panic attack, and had to take my axienty medication. I thought I was stronger. but I finally broke. I guess I never realized how much power alcohol has over me. I have such a hard time socializing sober, and feeling comfortable. Booze has always helpedtake the edge off for me. The thing is if i wasn't pregnant, I would still be drinking right now. It's such a battle in my mind constantly. I feel guilty for even craving alcohol.

The guy wants me to move in with him. Because i'm getting under 100 bucks a month living here. which is nothing compared to what social assistance will give me if I move in with him. He's a bit older than I am.
I think he's just really lonely and wants someone to come stay with him to keep him company. Although he talked about needing to get laid infront of me with the other girl, and calls me babe which I find a little odd. he has liquor bottles in his house for when guests come over. I think that would be a little triggering for me. He also doesn't know I'm pregnant yet, and that's the reason I'm staying here. So I can get support for me and my baby. they have cribs in the rooms, school classrooms and staff on site. plus I'm getting on urgent housing list so I can get my own place for me and my baby. I hope that gets approved.
The only reason why I would want to move in is for the money, and because me and him could go to meetings together. I wouldn't feel as lonely, and isolated (I don't really connect to any of the other girls here) and me and him get a long. I just wouldn't want him trying to come on to me. or having the kind of "you owe me" attitude if i were to move in with him. It's hard to tell and trust guys when they seem like they genuinely want to help you, or if they just want to get down your pants.

I really need to find a new way to deal with my axienty.
can't drink, shouldn't be smoking so much, stay away from coffee? drink tea instead? walk away when people are smoking weed?
yoga? urgh I need something. I'm kind of worried about relaspes again because I'm stressed, and anxious

[healingme4me]

There's no rush, to move in with him, is there? Maybe toughing it out, where you are currently living, is better? Sometimes the seemingly simple solutions aren't simple. Moving in, for more money, gives the impression of dependence on him, then that could leave you trapped and in worse shape, especially with a baby on the way.

Focusing on sobriety now, can help with becoming the best parent you can be.

[Altered Moment]

I had over two years sober before I even allowed myself to be at a party with drinking. Not being a snob but it was too dangerous. Probably four years before I drank a non alcoholic beer and it was triggering. My opinion is stay where it is safe and don't get sucked in.

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