Is it me? (old triggers) or is it him?

I posted this in the Relationships forum and was told to post it here:

I'll try to make this as brief as possible -- no one likes to read a wall of text.

My background:
Married for 18 years to an abusive (physical/emotional/mental) alcoholic. Ran away almost 17 years ago.

Lived alone for 15 years -- I am an introvert and enjoy my alone time.

Met current hubby online (I was in the States / he in Canada) -- had ongoing chats/Skype for a year. Met in person 2 years ago. 2 more meetings, then married this past April.

I knew, from the beginning, that he drank. But he is so charming, affectionate, loving -- mostly spoils me rotten -- and it wasn't a problem for me.

He is a tormentor (teasingly) and is the same with his friends/co-workers who love him dearly. I've always laughed when he teases me, we'd have such fun together and him keeping me laughing is important to me.

He is semi-retired and was home for 5 days straight last week. By the end of the 3rd day, I was a wreck. He'd stayed drunk nearly the entire time. He even got surly with me over trivial matters.

I'm feeling like I did when I was with my ex -- anxious/fear/dread/nerves strung tight.
Although I know for a fact he would NEVER raise a hand to me, I can't help having those old feelings.

So, I'm asking myself -- am I reacting to old triggers? Or is it the fact that I had no alone time/relief from him for those 5 days?

He totally retires the end of January so I must learn to cope somehow or I will go insane!

Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you for reading this.

Hello Prairie Girl: I had to chuckle a bit as I read your post. Please excuse me. I'm not employed. I've aged into retirement. My wife, who has been working full time, will be retiring in January. I'm also a person who values solitude. In fact, I often refer to myself as an "urban hermit". So I'm also wondering how on earth I'm going to cope! Of course the thing that makes your situation more difficult is the alcohol.

Unfortunately I don't have an answer to your question. I would suspect your reaction is both triggers left over from your previous relationship, & the fact that you had no alone time. I know in my own case, I'm going to be desperate for alone time after the first couple of days or so! I think the keys for the two of you are going to be for each of you to find things to do that get you out of the home: part-time retirement jobs, volunteering, hobbies, etc. & perhaps some counseling / therapy services (individual & / or couples) to help the two of you cope with the realities of your new lifestyle.

It would, of course, be ideal if your husband would do whatever is necessary for him to stop drinking. This may not be in the cards, however. If not, there may come a point where you will have to make a decision with regard to whether or not you can stay with him. So establishing a relationship now, yourself, with a therapist may be an important step to take in preparation for what may develop down the road. I certainly wish you all the best as you prepare to enter this new stage of your life.

Thank you so much for replying, and understanding!

I feel that is boils down to little alone time. He has worked 3 days in a row and I'm feeling fine today.

I need relief when I spend a lot of time with him even when he's sober. He is very talkative and he likes for us to do everything (almost) together, so it's hard for me to get peace and quiet. In the summer, it was better because he spent many hours outside gardening -- though he did want me to go out with him most of the time.

I feel anxious, etc. around ANYONE drunk -- my brother, father, son-in-law, etc. So I see it as my problem, something I need to deal with and get a grip on by possibly changing my attitude or trying to learn new ways to think about alcoholics. They are not all going to hurt me.

Also, he would never get help for his drinking problem. He calls himself a 'functional alcoholic' and he is when it comes to his job or getting chores done around the home.
He does stay sober when we travel -- he never drives while under the influence, he is adamant about that.
He mainly drinks at home when he says 'it's time to relax.' Most of the time, he is very funny/charming and we have fun together but, lately, it's getting on my nerves.

Thank goodness, I've had a 3 day reprieve -- next up is his 2 week Christmas vacation (he's a teacher) ..... *sigh*

Thanks for the hugs, Fuzzybear

Did you by chance grow up in an alcoholic home? Feel free not to answer if you don't want to.

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If so you may want to read and post in the ACOA section. I am an ACOA and a recovering alcoholic.

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Hi 'zinc'! I don't mind answering at all.

Yes, my father was an alcoholic. He was a loving kind man, even when drunk. My mother, however, was an angry woman who took out her frustrations on us kids and that made for a very unhappy childhood.

I'm already posting here and under 'Relationships' (where I'm getting adequate feedback) so I don't really want to post in another section. I don't want to seem that I'm flooding the forum.

Thanks for your input, thought, I do appreciate it.

My dad was a loving kind functioning alcoholic too. Because of his alcoholism I would say I had emotional abandonment from him as he was only so capable emotionally. I am the oldest boy and my Mom used me as a surrogate husband even at a young age because her needs were not being met. My alcoholism and being an ACOA has effected my relationships for sure. I have totally forgiven my parents and have no resentments. My issues are my issues and I am responsible for them however they came about.

There is this mysterious force in the universe that baffles me. I have seen it over and over in Alanon and AA.

You met this guy online and had really no idea about him at first. Yet you end up together and he is an alcoholic probably similar to your Dad. How does that happen out of the clear blue???

Did you mean surrogate husband? Or did you mean you were the 'man of the house'?

Isn't that strange indeed?!
We met online and were friends for a year before we actually met in person. We chatted/emailed for 6 months, then Skyped for 6 months. One can learn a lot about another, even online, without sitting face-to-face and touching.

I knew he was an alcoholic from the get-go. He didn't try to hide anything from me. We were both honest and upfront with each other. He knows of my past and found it appalling that a man would hit a woman he was supposed to love.

He is very kind, spoils me to no end, and very affectionate. I know he would never hurt me. But, when I don't get enough alone time, and feel like someone is 'sucking the life out of me' -- I get very anxious and defensive.
I don't think he understands introverts though I have tried to explain to him what it means.

Things have been good this past week. We had a nice weekend together. I left him a note telling him thank you for such a nice weekend. He asked me, later, what was so nice about it. I said it was pleasant with no arguing, lots of fun silly times, and that he didn't drink very much which is always a big plus (trying to give some positive reinforcement). He was surprised I'd said that, looked at me, and said "Ok, I'll try to remember that." -- Hopefully it's a step in the right direction.

I am glad things are going good.

I was not at all the man of the house. My dad was. By surrogate husband I mean in an emotional sense. She relied on me a lot for her emotional needs and it affected me and my future relationships. Then my dad would be what you call emotionally absent for me and that effected me. We were pretty high on the scale of "dysfunctional families" but it did effect my relationships in my life. No abuse or violence or sexual stuff but emotional stuff can have a big effect on you and you are not even aware of it.


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Yes, emotional stuff can be difficult indeed. I did not get any kind of loving words/hugs, etc. from my mother. I did from my Dad, but mainly when he was drunk.

My thought, you may be back, or heading back, to the same place before. If he is drinking too much, there are reasons, & it may have everything to do with him, not you. After retirement it may get worse. You seem to be revealing some rightful concerns here.

Thank you, Tipper. I'm hoping, this time, to NOT go back to things like they were with my ex. I'm trying to learn a different way to deal with the drinking issue.