[freespirit37]

Hi, I'm Freespirit and I'm an alcoholic. I have BPD, PTSD and God knows what else.

As of today I am 80 days sober. It hasn't been easy.

I'm on Step 4 now. I made a list of my defects and assets today and it wasn't that bad. I was able to detach as I did this, viewed myself as if I were another person outside of myself describing how I saw myself behaving. I didn't get too emotional.

I did experience a sort of paradigm shift. I began to see where I had been a real asshole when drinking and hurt people without intending to or even realizing what I had done. That messed with my head for about an hour. I talked to my sponsor and we're getting together and talking about it tomorrow.

I've been cycling through a lot of moods lately. I often get triggered at AA meetings, and going every day has been really hard for me. I also live in a dangerous neighborhood. I get extremely pissed when a neighbor knocks on my door because I don't like these people and I want to be left alone.

A couple of days ago, a bum knocked on my door asking for cigarettes. I had just sat down and had begun working on the 4th step, and was rudely interrupted. I was furious. I took a walk to the park nearby to calm down. On my way back, another neighbor started talking to me and was hitting on me. He asked me if I was married. I said yes (LIE!), because single = available around here.

The next day, a man said something rude to me at AA. After yelling about it in the smoking room and scaring my friends, I thought I saw him in the meeting room near the coffee pot and told him off. Then I realized I had the wrong guy. The guy I was pissed at had already left. I was so embarrassed I just left.

Cycled through a lot of moods the next couple days. Anger, rage, at the man who had been rude to me... shame, embarrassment, at my behavior. Paranoia, not wanting to leave my house. I finally calmed down yesterday and watched a few hours of Netflix. Then the rage started up again this morning and I spent several hours plotting revenge against the AA guy and past abusers. I wore myself out so much I had to take a nap.

When I woke up, I felt better. Started doing my inventory and had that light bulb moment. After that I felt okay about going to AA. So I went, and had a good time. The speaker was great, and I even got to have a nice conversation with one of the guys who had been pissing me off with his inappropriate shares. I told him I was getting triggered by some of the stuff he was sharing. He said he was sorry.

I spent the next hour talking to an older gentleman. I love older people because they remind me of the people I used to take care of when I was a caregiver.

Then I went home. And then it happened - when all the other feelings had subsided- the anger, the fear... the hole appeared. The hole doesn't come out very often because I'm covering it up with other feelings, but when all the other feelings are gone, there it is. I feel like there is a giant hole inside of me, it is like a huge void that can never be filled. It is emptiness, sadness, and it never goes away unless I am with people or feeling something else.

I'm sure my sponsor is in bed now, as she is a single working mother. So I thought I would reach out. I'm not really expecting anything other than just to connect with other humans who understand.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Wow 80 days that is great! I am familiar with the hole. I don't understand it yet but I am working on it. I too reach out on these forums for some connection and it has been helpful to me that it is 24/7 deal. I have not found how to fill this hole and I think for me it would be bottomless. The only thing I have learned to do is walk through the pain instead of run from it or cover it up or distract or hide from it. Sometimes it is overwhelming though and I have to stop. But other times I can't control it. I have journaled a ton in my lifetime, and recently in the last 2 years gotten in touch with what it is like to have a good cry. I like to go on long drives to try and sort things out and sometimes I have a good cry on the drive. I also replaced my alcohol and relationship addiction with books. The librarian at my local library told me there is no limit to how many books you can check out so my hole can find plenty of filling there. But truly what I need to do is learn to embrace the emptiness and experience it as a solid stillness in my life. Maybe the hole is really a meditation chamber? A place of beauty? A secret garden just for you... a special place that you can decorate however you please and keep whatever you want in the space a keep out the things you do not want.

Just some ideas... you got me thinking about the emptiness and it is something that has been coming up a lot for me lately. Sorry your neighbors are being rude and intrusive. That is so frustrating and annoying, and if it were me, I'd feel scared.

Hope things work out for you with your AA meeting and the people there. I hate it when someone shares something in a meeting that triggers you. That took some courage to go and tell the guy about it afterwards.

[freespirit37]

To me, the hole seems like a black, bottomless pit. You do have some good ideas about the hole though. It apparently is a characteristic of BPD. I'm not aware of it as long as I am with others or staying busy.

Funny thing how I push people away, and then when they leave I feel the hole and I want them to come back. That is characteristic of BPD also.

Thank you for the encouragement.

[Moogieotter]

Sounds like you're doing awesome! Good home group and sponsor are huge keys!

moogs