hello

So, ever since I was young, say 11-12 I have been really into the opposite sex. I dont really know how to word it but you know when you just dont stop thinking about sex or like when you see a hot girl the first thing you think about is making love to them etc. So it started in highschool, I had a crush on my teacher. I mean she wasnt attractive as far as I can remember but when she wore thigh boots I got really turned on and used to stare at her legs and body etc. Which is kinda weird cause if she didnt wear the boots I wouldn't get tturned on. As far as I can remember ive always had a thing for leather and thigh boots but thats beyond the point. This is where it starts to get weird. I remember doing really really weird creepy things that I would get some kind of kick or thrill out of, bear in mind I was 11-12 at this point. So I started of by asking her (my teacher) if she needed a hand carrying her learning resources. I would then help her and carry her things to her staffroom at the same time I would walk right behind her and just stare at her behind all the way there. I did that for a while and sometimes while she opened doors just stood so close to her. Thats where I started off, I dont know why I got a kick out of it but I did.

Things started to get worse as I got older. By the time I was in the next year I was doing this kind of behavior to multiple females. Stalking them and staring at there behinds etc. One day I remember there was a fight at my school and the corridors where crowded. I remember a girl was stood infront of me and all of a sudden a crowd rushed from behind me and we were all squashed. I was so close to this girl and her *** was like all over my you know what my heart was pounding. I got my hand and started to lightly grope her *** as we were so crowded she couldn't tell. I was like 12-13. After that day I started to try and do that to girls. Touch there *** without them realising etc. I know this is wrong on so many levels but I get some kind of kick out of it and my adrenaline skyrockets. I started doing this alot and also started masturbating in class. I would often stare at a girls from school or teachers and just masturbate till I orgasm not taking my eye off them.

Then it got a whole lot creepier. By the next year i started to touch a girl from my geography class, without her realise. One day while I was doing it she felt my hand on her legs and literally saw me touching her. I was so scared at first but she didn't make anything of it. So I did it again and I noticed she started to shuffle her body in the other direction. My adrenaline went up like never before. She knew what I was doing and I loved it, so I started to use more of my hand and actually touch her . I would place my hand on her leg and sort of massage it for 4-5 seconds until she shuffled away. I started touching her blatantly, and would masterbate with my other hand until i orgasm. I did this for literally the whole year. I started smoking alot of cannabis by this age. Atleast 1-2 a week. By age 15 I was smoking cannabis almost daily and started recording girls behinds while they are walking.

This was the new thing that I got a kick out of, which I still do up to this day. I also spend a lot of my money on prostitutes and cam girls now. I am 19, I smoke cannabis everyday, take cocaine whenever I can afford to and drink nearly everyday. I have developed a strong addiction to cam girls, prostitutes and that recording **** I do. I have been a creepy ******* for nearly 8 years of my life and I cant take it anymore. My memory is ****ed. I am careless and impulsive. I have lost interest in education. From being an A* student to now failing his first year at uni after some disappointing a level results too. I often get distracted very easily and I have always had anger issues and I mean always, since I was a little kid like 6-7. I have constant mood swings and get irritated very easily. I have spent £10000 in six months on my 'addictions'. This is huge for me as I used to get £30 a week to spend from my parents. I have probably spend over 3000 pounds on camgirls over two years which I funded for myself. I have a messed up sleeping pattern and often talk to myself.

I cant live like this anymore. I dont know who I am or what I want in life. I dont even feel like I am making a valuable contribution. I have had suicidal thoughts but I am too scared to so it. I wish there was some kind of pill I could take to die peacefully. My mother is very concerned about me and she is taking anti depressants and sleep pills because of my erratic behavior. She only knows about my spending sprees and drug abuse. Thankfully she doesn't know anything else. What is wrong with me? Why cant I be normal. I just want to go uni and get a career get married have kids but I haven't got it in me. I just wont do it as it does not interest me. Help me please.

Hi lonleybanker. Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I am sorry you have suffered from various addictions. Glad you have joined our community.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

There are many resources available to help people find resources and therapies to help get off addictions. You can search for resources at Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information. in search box upper right corner.

Hello and welcome to Psych Central lonleybanker!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. I would like to tell you you're not alone in your struggles. Please keep reaching out here on PC and posting. In my humble opinion therapy seems like a good place to start figuring things out. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

Hi lonelybanker,

Welcome to PC!

Hope you find this community as warm and supportive, as I have.

If you have any questions or concerns, don't hesitate to ask any of the Community Liasons for help and gentle board guidance.

Hi,

You have to tell yourself, it's not your fault.

These impulses are part of your psyche, you cannot help them. Learn techniques in trying not to take actions to them. If you see an attractive girl check her out man doesn't matter if you look at her butt or tits for a bit, it's natural man, girls are attractive, you can't help it do not make yourself feel guilty, however with the impulses to touch them etc, tell yourself no and that you are stronger than those impulses and that you can get through it!

I smoke weed regularly, I do substances sometimes and yeah it effects me, I moderate the more harmful substances and it helps a lot. Remember, guilt will tear you apart do not feel guilty. If you are depressed or anxious, tell yourself you can get through it! No point grieving, life is too short.

You know what will help to lead your life in a better direction.

Do something you have never done before, something exciting which will give you a sense of award and relief.

Go abroad, Africa, Asia anywhere!!! Travel with a friend, or on your own. Volunteer abroad help people less fortunate than you, do something amazing and interesting you have never done before. Get out of your town and see what life is really about. Plan something exciting and trust me you will feel so much better.

Go find yourself.

Go find the true you. Walk to places you have never been to before. A trip to an area you have never been to before.

Think about you on these trips and how many oppurtunities life can give you.

This kind of experience will transform you.

Just a helpful tip

I hope you figure it out.

Peace out

thanks you made me feel better, I have got a long way to go before I figure out myself