Trying not to feel like a total loser

I'm a bit upset now, trying to stave off tears actually. I just got back from meeting with a graduate advisor in regards to applying to a state school here where I live for a masters program.
I feel like my stupid past addictions have ruined my life.
I was thinking I could write a good personal statement and do well on the GRE and they'd admit me, but apparently I'd have to take more classes first (somewhere else preferably because it's expensive) to raise up my GPA, which was well below 3.0 upon graduation some ten years ago now.
It doesn't help that I got little sleep the past few nights.
I was on the bus home wiping away tears when I couldn't stop them from coming-
I'm trying to hold it in even now until I'm done doing laundry so my neighbors in my apartment complex wont see me.
I'm doubting everything right now.
The advising counselor was nice enough, but I was so tired and a bit spacey that as I left I sensed a bit of pity, or something else- like she thought I was stupid or retarded or something ( did talk briefly about wanting to go into drug and alcohol counseling because I thought I could do some good because I could personally relate to the struggle)
I'm doubting going back to my old job part time- for what? I don't want to wait another year to go back to school now because of having to take more classes to raise my GPA - which is more time to wait before I can actually start going to school for my graduate program (if I even ****ing go anymore) -
maybe my bf and I can just move out of state like my family keeps suggesting- I hear where they live (some of my extended family, anyway) on the east coast it's much more relaxed environment and might not be so hard to get into a school there, or even not so hard to get a better job there like it is here.
It's like a pressure cooker here and I'm about to break.

- just came back to edit something- the tears flowing freely now.

You're NOT a loser! You have real accomplishments in your life. Breathe deeply, suck in who you are...a real person who is willing to work toward a future. You are worthy.

Thinking of you.

If you move, tuition would be more expensive because you wouldnt be a resident of your new state. So you would have to wait anyway? I thought your current state was among the best for educating its residents. It sounds like you are in your thirties? You have your whole life ahead of you still. My pdoc only recently - like in the past 5 years? - completed his education and started working on his own, and he is turning 50. Just do it

Yeah, I had a good long cry and took a shower and just finished eating some comfort food that I had delivered- feeling a bit better I guess- going to take a little nap now,

You are not a loser.

You encountered a setback - this is not a catastrophe.

I went back to school in 2012 to retrain as a forensic accountant, hoping that it would make me more marketable. I struggle with addiction and MI issues.

I aced first semester, but crashed and spiraled into a bad depression in Jan. 2013, had to be hospitalized and withdrew.

Spring 2014 same thing happened minus the hospitalization, but I couldn't continue. I had to withdraw again.

Winter 2015 I was determined to finish come hell or high water. I even got a scholarship from my psych hospital. It was all I could do to make it to class on a semi regular basis. I missed probably a third of the classes, fortunately attendance was not part of the marks. I completed the course in April 2015 with a 3.5 GPA and am now looking for work, and writing my licencing exams to be a certified fraud examiner.

If you want it badly enough, you will find a way to make it happen.

splitimage

I agree with all of the above. I know life is so hard sometimes, we all struggle daily. Try and focus on the positive aspects of your life and your accomplishments so far. You have earned your Bachelor's Degree !! That's amazing.

Yeah, I was having a tender moment (that happens from time to time but I'm learning to not let it bother me too much- we're all human, we're not all tough and resilient 100% of the time)- since then my resolve has grown stronger- I'm not daunted by the task at hand- so what if things take a bit longer than I would've planned? That's what I get for being a dreamer too long and not getting focused sooner and just now realizing that I have to take some classes to raise up my GPA before applying to grad school. These are the simple truths of life I have to deal with. Life is what you make of it . . . . Thanks for the kind words everyone.

You're not a loser. That's amazing that you have your bachelors! I am about to start back to college for the first time in ten years. I am terrified. I had to drop out back then bc i was getting pretty bad off with the pills back then and school just wasn't in the mix. I am so ready to do this but I am terrified that I am going to fail or something because I have failed at everything else in the last ten years- but I wasn't sober, either. So yeah, you should be super proud of yourself! Give yourself a break. As addicts, we are very hard on ourselves, aren't we!?

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[quote=DeeAnnaD1913;4729781]You're not a loser. That's amazing that you have your bachelors! I am about to start back to college for the first time in ten years. I am terrified. I had to drop out back then bc i was getting pretty bad off with the pills back then and school just wasn't in the mix. I am so ready to do this but I am terrified that I am going to fail or something because I have failed at everything else in the last ten years- but I wasn't sober, either. So yeah, you should be super proud of yourself! Give yourself a break. As addicts, we are very hard on ourselves, aren't we!?

Yes, we sure are.
Good for you on getting over your pill addiction- I almost dropped out of college back when I was getting my degree because of drug issues as well and am lucky I was able to make it through- Good for you on going back and giving it another go! I'm sure you'll do great now that you're on a more even keel and clear headed!