Deconstructing addiction

I've added a trigger warning to this thread because of my opinion on addiction. I'm not ignorant of how someone could use my opinion to justify going back out, so let me say up front: it's my opinion that if what I have to say leads you to believe that you can go back out again, then it's also my opinion that you should not. Please don't take what you like and leave the rest in this case. Thanks.

Anyone who has been around recovery for a minute has heard the phrases, 'addiction is just a symptom of the problem' and 'once an addict, always an addict'. The juxtaposition of these two ideas has always bothered me. To my mind, they are contradictory.

Does it not seem to anyone else that if addiction is just a symptom of the disease, then if the underlying causes and conditions are rectified, then the symptom disappears on it's own? It certainly works that way with every other disease. For instance, kidney disease can cause difficult to control high blood pressure, increased urination, swelling of feet and ankles, etc. If the kidneys are cured, these symptoms go away.

Diabetes is a good one. If a persons immune system stops attacking insulin, or in type 2 diabetes, the pancreas doesn't produce sufficient insulin, you get diabetes and with it all the symptoms. Any cure would have to find a way for the body to produce sufficiently high levels of insulin to break down sugar effectively. If this occurs, the diabetic symptoms would disappear.

Likewise with addiction. For addicts, drugs are a way to escape from the pain of everyday living brought on by past events, learned survival skills, etc. If the core issues were resolved - childhood trauma, family of origin dysfunction leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms, etc., how could someone continue to think that putting drugs into one's system is a pretty nifty idea?

Granted, the drugs have to be put down first - I'm certainly not suggesting that being under the influence is a productive platform on which to address the issues that led one to drugs in the first place, but once those issues are appropriately addressed, healed and put to rest, I can't see addictive behavior rearing its head again.

I've been clean a long time now, and I've done a lot of work on myself. I honestly believe that I could drink or use safely now. The kicker is, with the initial issues that led me to alcohol and drugs addressed, the idea of changing my mental state through alcohol or drugs is no longer appealing. I like me - I don't want to change my mental state so it's a non-issue. I don't use and I won't use, simply because it is no longer appealing at all.

Anyway, I suspect it will not be a popular idea, but I've thought it for some time and just wanted to 'say' it out loud. Peace.

It is certainly a valid point of view and I do not totally disagree with you. I think it is much more complicated when it comes to addiction and or mental illness than is diabetes or a kidney infection.

There very well could be many people who's sole reason for addiction was childhood trauma, to escape unpleasant emotions etc. Someone could easily become addicted to cocaine or a benzo who is not an addict in any traditional sense of the word. My ex wife is an example of that with cocaine and cigarettes who gave up both with no trouble at all.

I think in my case there is a large genetic component. In that case unless you changed my genome the underlying condition is still there. That is also true with my depression. Despite 20 years of both AA, Alanon, and mental health recovery I still go into very deep depressions. I feel I have resolved all underlying emotional issues of the past.

"Once and addict, always an addict." For me I believe this is true. But I also agree with you. It is controversial even in AA. The book says "We have recovered."

Let me give you two examples from my recent history. About 7 years ago I decided to experiment with pot for depression and anxiety. It does not work for me for depression at all. Makes it worse. Anxiety I discovered that if it is the right strain it is effective but I have never gone to the extent to get a card and I don't want to become a daily pot smoker. I go six months without thinking about it and don't smoke. Then there might be a week when I smoke 3 or 4 times and then go months without any desire to. I won't lie and say it is for some medical purpose. It is recreational. I don't think it is a problem or that I am addicted to it. It is also not a very addictive substance.

Now here is another recent situation that convinces me that I have an addictive personality genetically and is quite scary. After 20 years of building a solid foundation in recovery and active in my own recovery I picked up one night on impulse. My Dad has lung cancer and there has been this box of oral liquid morphine in the fridge. I have never been addicted to opiate before. I have even given the morphine to him at times. Then one night when everyone was in bed the little addict in my head got to talking to me. I couldn't get it out of my head. It would be so easy to shoot a nice dose full in my mouth and try it. So guess what. I did. To me that proves the addict in me is alive and well but has been in remission. It was a one time deal and the next day I didn't tell my mom what happened but I asked her to lock it up in their room so I wouldn't be tempted.

It scared the living crap out of me. It was a bad relapse to me even though I don't think of the pot that way and it doesn't scare me. I went to a meeting and came clean and told the whole truth. I don't really care if I say I have twenty years or one day. I stopped caring about that many years ago.

So for me I look at it as something, similar to cancer in many cases, that is in remission but could come back. I want to keep it in remission. There is something different about me compared to say my mom that compels me to use for some reason. Something about my wiring and I don't understand it.

I know for a fact that with alcohol, my traditional drug of choice, that I do not react to alcohol the same way the majority of people do. When two alcoholics talk they can relate to all these traits they have in common that a "normy" does not have a clue about. There is a difference biologically I believe. Pretty sure in the case of alcohol it has been proven. Alcoholics do not metabolize alcohol in the same way a normal drinker does.

I would like to add that with the incidence with the morphine that happened just a week ago that it ended up being a one time relapse/slip only because of all the years of working a solid recovery program. The next day all my tools automatically kicked in. I really didn't need to think to much about it they just kicked in. I told my Dad what I did and apologized because I knew he could keep it to himself. My mom I didn't tell what I did but asked her to lock it up in her room just to be safe because she knows I am in recovery. That night I went to a meeting and told on myself and was totally honest. I believe it is only the tools in my tool box that has saved me from a full blown relapse that would most likely be with alcohol. For a few days I felt very vulnerable. I won't go break into a lock box and I don't even like opiates really but how easy would it be to drive to the store and buy a bottle. Very easy. My foundation paid off in this case I believe even though it was a very scary close call.

I am very grateful for your willingness to share a part of your story and engage me on this subject. I'm going to try and engage you yet again, but if I don't succeed - my gratitude remains. I'm not much for face to face discussions but I do enjoy philosophical, or whatever this is, discussions online.

Fair enough on the differences.

There are two ideas inherent in this paragraph I'd like to address. First, I agree wholeheartedly that there are some drugs that are so powerful that they do not need a psychological component to induce addiction. Cocaine and nicotine are certainly two of them. I'd add heroin and meth in there for certain as well and leave the rest as open to debate.

I'm uncertain though that there is any reason other than 'issues' (childhood trauma may have made the box too small) though. I can see an extreme curiosity seeker trying anything once out of pure curiosity, but to continue to play with something as inarguably dangerous as crack, heroin, meth, etc., well, how could there not be an element of escapism in there? Perhaps as an addict I simply can't see it - but today, content in my state, I can see no reason to want to get high - unless of course, it was curiosity by someone who wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Agreed. For years I came up against some very tough laws regarding prescribing pain pills for chronic (pain) conditions of which I have seven. My state does allow for both medicinal and recreational marijuana though. My primary care provider suggested that I try it and after discussing it with my support team (and contemplating seriously for a number of months) I decided to try it. It worked remarkably well on some pain, perhaps a ten on the 1-10 scale, and remarkably poorly on others - maybe a two on the same scale. I found that I could get some relief for the latter, if I became obliterated, but it wasn't worth it to me to have that much of a change in my mental states and so I left it for the pain that it was most effective on. During the year or so I was on it, I used approximately one ounce for the period.

I am confident that I never used it for recreational purposes, but then with chronic pain, there is always some pain to be addressed. Anyway, eventually a medical reason was found to prescribe me opiates in keeping with the challenging law around here and I was prescribed 20mg hydrocodone a night. I quit the medical marijuana that evening and have no desire to use it again - incidentally, I used sublingual oil to remove the smoking aspect that I associated with illicit use.

Knowing the addictive strength of opiates, I've taken precautions. They work amazing, there is no doubt - in fact, they've really been a godsend to me in more ways than just pain relief. I have an auto-immune disease that saps my strength completely. In fact, I have been hospitalized in crisis at times when my pulmonary system no longer has the strength to breath. That kind of total sapping of my muscles and strength. For whatever reason, the opiates have the strange effect of strengthening my muscles temporarily (4-6 hours). My primary and neurologist both are stymied, but they've witnessed it during my last crisis in the ER when it was added to my IV and my body was flooded with acetylcholine (the neurotransmitter I'm missing) and my strength returned completely within thirty minutes. They immediately upped my dose to 40mg's daily.

Oh yeah, those precautions: I don't take them at all on Mondays or Tuesdays unless a crisis starts, which is rare. I give my body forty-eight hours each week to detox and pay close attention to any feelings of withdrawal, which to date I haven't experienced. I just get tired, which is to be expected due to the normal auto-immune response.

First of all, I am so very sorry to hear of your father's condition. As for your return to recovery, well done - I'm proud of you. This addict in your head though...I don't get this. Let me be clear, I am an addict. I've been sober since I was twenty-seven years old - I'm fifty now. I had been in three treatment centers, two detoxes and a half-way house by the time I was thirteen years old. I was court ordered to AA back in 1978 when it was almost unheard of to do so - in fact, I was turned away from my first two meetings. The addict thinking was there, I know of what you speak, but it is gone.

Good for you. Really.

My wife is ready for bed and I'm going to join her but thank you for a thought provoking post.

Good discussion and thank you for sharing. It makes it all the more complicated when we have conditions that require prescriptions that really work but can be addictive. I take klonopin for anxiety. It is very very difficult these days to get a psychiatrist to prescribe a benzo. I had never had a problem with anxiety until about 5 years ago. I cant explain why as there were and are not any situations in my life that would cause the horrible anxiety I was having. We tried a number of meds all of which were useless. It took me about 4 years of periods of horrible anxiety that came with paranoia to decide I needed something I knew would work and then my doc agreed and gave me klonopin. It is a very addictive drug but the thing is I have no desire at all to abuse it. I take it as prescribed. No more no less. I am actually thinking about going off of it because I am worried about withdrawal symptoms when I do stop some day so the sooner the better IF the anxiety did not come back.

Sounds like maybe the only point of contention is the "addict in the head" thing. I was a pretty hard core alcoholic and drug user back in my day. Since the day I decided to go to treatment and follow up with a program of recovery it has not been hard at all. I always felt bad for people who were struggling with relapse and having cravings since I never had them. I could be around others drinking and alcohol and had no desire whatever. It was easy.

Then at about 15 years sober I would get them once in awhile. I wasn't going to meetings at the time but I was very focused on mental health recovery and still using my tools. I know from the past in my using days and from times where I was legitimately prescribed hydrocodone that it works oh so well for depression and that I like it. So if I knew a friend of mine had just gotten a bottle of Vicodin for some reason or other the little addict in my head would start talking to me. It was all I could do to not ask for some.

I can't explain why I can take klonopin or smoke a little pot now and then and you can take opiates without any problem and then I can get into the morphine because that voice in my head became to powerful. I felt literally powerless. It is certainly complicated and I don't think anyone knows all the answers.

I can't say with 100% certainty but I know in my heart and gut that when it comes to alcohol or opiates I would never be able to use them normally. I clearly remember what it was like to get three beers in and then that phenomenon of craving take over and not be able to stop until I passed out or all the liquor was gone and the stores closed. An easy comparison for me is my Mom because I know her well. She hates to be under the influence of anything. One glass on wine and she refuses to have anymore. She cannot understand why someone would want more and I cannot understand why someone would not finish the bottle. There is something different in my wiring from the start I believe.

I know neither one of us want to test the idea so it is a good discussion. I believe it is not well understood but luckily for us we have found a way that works for us to have a decent life without it being utterly destroyed by addiction.

Bingo, and thank you very much for the discussion.

Greetings, came across this forum and thread by chance.

Great topic! While I do not claim to have all the answers, I thought I could chime in. I'm also an addict, and have contemplated on the nature of addictions and their associated behaviors myself.

Here's my current understanding. First of all, we can say that there's a strong prevalence between people suffering from depression, anxiety disorder and BPD - to name just a few mental health disorders - and these people self-medicating with drugs, illicit or otherwise. The deeper issue this symptom seems to point to is of one wanting to feel well, to escape that dreadful feeling of anguish we all know all too well. To get rid of that tight knot in one's solar plexus, to fill that gaping void one feels in their being. Basically not being okay with the present moment.

JWRT, are you able to identify with any of the above at all?

See I think the fundamental difference in your case yagr is there doesn't appear to be any aversion to the present moment. Does it make sense then that IMO for someone such as your current self it's much harder to fall down the slippery slope of dependence/addiction and will thus have an easier time partaking in mind-altering substances recreationally, if you were to so choose?

To anyone who's afflicted with addictions of any form, I direct the following resources to you for further reading in the earnest hope and expectation that you may discover some benefit, clarity, and peace of mind.

I would suggest at least experimenting with the exercises in the 2nd link. I think they are useful tools, tools which those of us who're afflicted with this horrible condition can never have too few of.

• lionsroar.com/how-we-get-hooked-shenpa-and-how-we-get-unhooked
  
• cityuniversity.ca/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Awakening-From-Grief-With-Pema-Chodron.pdf

PS I've been reading a couple other threads on here before posting this and thought I should mention I'm getting a general sense of people being much too harsh on themselves and beating themselves up too much and having this attitude of, "Bad feelings? Problems coping with withdrawals etc? Suck it up and man up."

I am not trying to impose but only wish to share that I understand that attitude all too well having been down that road and likewise beat myself up countless times, but wish more of us will consider gentleness to oneself as being one of the keys in this journey to getting better. Embrace and not fight.

We are all kindred spirits on this journey together. All my love, and bless your hearts.

Dropping in here; interesting discussion. I also have pretty long term sobriety, 28 years. Sobered up when I was 23. And I am on Xanax, prescribed by my pdoc who is also a member of AA. Almost every appointment for the first several years I would tell him I was scared of addiction and he would reassure me that I would be fine. I can take it now as needed, and don't have a problem with that. I'm prescribed 4 .5 mg per day as needed and I take just .25 a couple of days a week. I do like the feeling-but pdoc says of course I do because who wouldn't like relief from anxiety?

In my experience, addiction is a combination of mental, physical and spiritual illness. I definitely have a genetic propensity to alcoholism. My grandfather and all 7 of his brothers died from alcoholism, in my generation there are 10 cousins. All but 1 are alcoholics. Because of that, I believe that picking up a drink would be a disaster for me.

Like JWRT's ex, I quit cocaine and nicotine because I wanted to. But not alcohol.

I like the idea of taking a couple of days off. I think I may be intentional about doing that. But in the meantime, I am so grateful that I can take something for my anxiety and that my pdoc is so encouraging.

This is it for me. Though I've only been sober 7 months. I guess I was lucky when I gave up alcohol that I had no physical withdrawal despite daily drinking for many years. My psychological struggle didn't last inordinately long either. Alcohol has lost all its appeal to me. I have no desire to drink whatsoever now. Sometimes, but only sometimes, part of me misses that buzz. Particularly at a party. But nothing in me - nothing at all - misses being drunk and trying to hide it and not remembering going to bed. I think I could also drink safely now - have a spritzer or cooler or a liqueur or something like that, but I simply don't want to. My body was violently rejecting the alcohol and it has been a pleasure not having my head down the toilet over the last 7 months. I don't even know what the initial issues are that lead to my alcoholism (other than my alcoholic mother), but whatever they are (or were), I seem to have a handle on them.

Now food? That is a whole other story ...

This is a very interesting argument. I tend to agree with you on some levels. I stopped abusing oxy/subs/benzos 7 months ago. During that time, I have drank wine on three occasions (one or two glasses) at dinner parties. I did not run out and get high, or hit the liquor store afterward. I did not let myself get intoxicated though. I don't do well in that state, lol, that very apparent. I think it depends upon the person. Many people will disagree with this. I have seen it work with my father, who is a recovering crack cocaine addict. He's been clean for years now. He drinks a few beers every now and then and has had no problems. It isn't for everyone but I think it can work.

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