[Wanderlust90]

My crystal meth addiction.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

I'm both overwhelmed by nostalgia & sentiment, & repulsed.

It's conflicting to both love & hate something with such intensity.

[JWRT]

I had a five year love hate relationship with meth. It is what brought me to my knees big time.

At two weeks clean the withdrawal sent me into a major full blown manic episode with tons of psychosis that lasted over a year. I was flyin high so it wasn't so bad for me but overall it was pretty ugly.

The using days got very ugly with come downs, psychosis, teeth, picking at my hands and face, little cuts from work that would never heal, skinny to the bone, spinning out.....ugly ****ing drug.

[Wanderlust90]

I actually achieved a surprising amount now I look back on it. I feel like my drug use wasn't really all that noticeable to most. I went to work, I worked hard, I acted fairly normal most of the time. I had some psychotic stuff going on that I wasn't aware of at the time but am now. You would think that would be obvious to my loved ones but nope. They are blinded because I am functional. I always held my head high, called myself a high functioning addict. Thought I had all the answers & that I was going to have a better life than anyone else because I could use, & they would likely not because they were scared of the drug.

Then the highs became increasingly shorter, or increasingly darker. I'm not sure which. I would feel good for a short period then become agitated. The comedowns were bleak, apathetic & anhedonic. Violence became a feature of my relationship with my boyfriend. I started threatening suicide in response to situations I felt I could no longer deal with. I lost heaps of weight that I can't put back on. I had skin picking issues & like you said, wounds that wouldn't heal properly.

It's a foul drug, incredibly addictive. Yet I still have a fondness for it. It still brought me soooo much joy at times. Joy I've lost, & I crave it but am equally frightened of. I have an abusive not addictive personality, I don't fear that I cant stop I fear that I won't want to regardless.

[Moogieotter]

It's called "euphoric recall" in addiction theory. Gotta do something with those thoughts - playing them out and understand the negative impact seems to be doing well for you.

[Wanderlust90]

They talk about euphoric recall like it is meant to dissipate after about 90 days. I'm 3 years sober (well from meth anyway), I still get it intensely but I can also remember the negatives.

[Moogieotter]

Originally Posted by Wanderlust90

They talk about euphoric recall like it is meant to dissipate after about 90 days. I'm 3 years sober (well from meth anyway), I still get it intensely but I can also remember the negatives.

Yeah, dunno about no 90 days. Maybe if you are working the program very diligently. Glad ur coming along and healing.

[Refuse2Sink]

It's the craziest love/hate relationship that I've ever been in. I literally cried bc I mourned the loss of pills like a lost lover. I remembered telling a friend that, who also abused pain pills. She just say in silence & thought I was crazy. Lol. Many won't understand the paradox some will. I definitely understand.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Never done meth but I've abused stimulants like adderall and vyvanse. From my knowledge, the highs and lows are very similar. Each 29th day of the month im waiting at that pharmacy door for them to open and shaking out of sheer excitement. It's sick and embarrassing. I can also relate to being "high functioning". And I don't know what's worst, the incredible exhaustion from the come down or the shame in myself. And I definitely can agree that the highs get shorter and darker as my tolerance skyrockets to a dangerous amount. There's nothing more crapy then laying there exhausted while your heart feels like it's going to explode out of your chest. I'm also BP so the higher i go, the more unstable and depressed I become. Oh and did i mention that because of the erratic moodswings, i lost a great job??? Never felt such self loathing in my life. Fwew, needed to get that out.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Paracelsus]

I liked Dexedrine and Vyvanse better than methamphetamine HCl. I mean if I wanted to I could just go to a psychiatrist and ask for it. No thanks! I'm done with that drug.

[Wanderlust90]

I believe that 3 years of smoking crystal is the root cause of my mental health issues, maybe not the anxiety which was always there, but definatly my depressions & agitation. Like dopamine was down regulated due to consistant abuse, my brain had so much dopamine available that it had to respond to said dopamine less so the receptors became less sensitive & you need more dopamine to get the same effect. So now I don't have the drug to increase dopamine in the synapse to the degree my brain is used to I'm now just constantly understimulated & bored or depressed. I don't think my pdocs have fully understood the extent of my abuse. They don't seem to think it's the cause of my problems but I do. I'm now, almost 3 years abstinent from methamphetamines & still having daily symptoms that mirror that of what I experienced when using. I've got plenty of friends whose lives & minds have been altered by the drug. Actually a few of us have all been dx bipolar, go figure.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I'm currently experiencing anhedonia and I have a feeling it's from stim abuse. Now I have to find a safe AD that won't effect my BP. Really backed into a corner with that. Everyone says no ADs but I wake up and spend my whole days just dull and unable to find joy in anything whatsoever. I can't even remember the last time i laughed. And sex?? Doesn't do a thing for me now.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Wanderlust90]

Sorry to hear this queen. It's so hard to regain consistant happiness after stimulant abuse. Nothing can ever deliver the same level of joy & excitement that stimulants can, especially meth imo. Everything becomes kind of a let down, nothing has a glitter or sparkle about it anymore. Unless I'm in a rare euphoric hypo period which never lasts in me more than 3-4 days then everything sparkles. Sex is a complete let down & I thought it was the ADs causing low libido, nope, I've been off them since before Xmas & although I did have a noticeable return of libido it's nowhere near what I used to have before meth & definatly nothing like when I was using.