So I kind of fell off the wagon while I was on vacation.

I went down south to visit my Dad. I made the mistake of thinking that I could drink some mixed drinks and nothing bad would happen. This turned into me taking a bunch of lorazepams & a damn fentanyl patch. After almost 9 months being clean. I am so pissed off at myself. I was doing so good. I ruined a wonderful vacation. Now everyone is mad at me. I'm so mad at myself. I ****ing hate being a damn drug addict. It sucks that I can't have enough self control to just enjoy myself. I always have to create a **** ton of chaos, self sabatoging every time. So in back home now. Trying to just pick up where I left off and keep trying to fight this struggle.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Have you picked up a chip?

No. I need to start going to meetings. I have to start doing something proactive in my recovery. I thought that I was so strong & that I had finally figured it out but here I am again, down and depressed bc everyone is mad at me and after all the changing I had done, it ultimately didn't mean anything. It's just so frustrating.

You are strong! The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling and extremely powerful. Do you know where you can go to a meeting?

I do know of some around where I live. I really have avoided going to the ones near me, bc I have an ex and a few ex get high buddies that are court ordered to go. I just don't want to see anyone from my past. I am thinking about just going anyway. I need it. I need somewhere to belong, to be around people like myself BUT on the flip side of that, I'm afraid to be around other addicts bc I've hooked up with them at meetings and gotten high before. I basically isolated myself from anyone and anything that I was part of my old life and it has worked to a certain extent. Guess it's not worked all that great since I screwed up so royally while visiting my Dad.

The thing that scares me is that I have that "empty, I need to fill my soul with anything that I can" feeling that gets me in terrible situations. I'm fighting it hard. Idk what happened. I had this great time with my Dad and something just snapped on me. I'm the queen of self sabotaging.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Can you go to a meeting in another part of town?

I am the queen of self sabatage too. I stopped using for 3 years then relapsed 6 weeks ago. Its hard trying to rebuild bridges after a relapse. I know how hard it is . good luck!

Sent from my GT-S6810P using Tapatalk

I know this is entirely different thinking, and may not be any use to you at all, but I amped myself up to quit smoking cigarettes and to pursue weight loss by saying "I choose not to smoke cigararettes" or "I choose to eat healthy"...did it work? Well, I am smoking the e-cig now, but it's been almost two weeks since I stopped smoking cigarettes. And weight loss? I've been pigging on junk food lately, but I dropped a pant size and something my Papa keeps telling me is "Don't get discouraged. It's okay to have a bad day".

I think, what I am trying to tell you is, you can choose not to be addicted, you don't need to get discouraged. Okay, so you went down south and it was triggering. You had a few. But now you're back and what you tell me is that you're back on being good. Don't get discouraged. Just because you had a bad time doesn't mean you're a total failure. And it doesn't mean you won't say no in the future. Just keep telling yourself "I choose not to use drugs. I choose to be healthy." And yes, I have quit cigarettes before and I know how disappointing it was for my mom especially because she hated the smell, but you can only quit drugs for yourself, no one else. Good luck!

It is really hard, I feel like my Dad is just so over my bad behavior. He is a recovering addict (well mostly recovered) so he gets it but I know he still wishes i could be a little bit stronger. It's just crazy, I will do so well for a few weeks or months and then, BAM! Depression hits hard or anxiety is making me crazy. Before this, I was at home isolating myself as usual. This past weekend I was around a stocked liquor cabinet and I knew there were scripts around. Damn I can't even be trusted to be left alone for 30 min...even after 9 months of being clean. I'm just so pissed at myself. It's never worth it. When will I get it!!?

And it's crazy bc I was talking about how I never wanted to go back to the **** like three days before I did it! How ironic. Addiction is a mf'er!!!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Cunning, baffling, powerful.

Get some rest. Tomorrow is a new day.

I just had a horrible week too. Drank every night after a year clean with one slip. I hate myself. I think many of us here are fighting with things right now. Who knows maybe it's in the weather. Seriously. We just have to grab a broom and pick up the pieces. ((Hugs)). I'm sorry I knew how hard you worked. You can get through this doll.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry that you are having a hard week as well. It's always hard for me when the seasons start to change. Memories flooding back into my mind; good and bad and happy and sad. It's hell sometimes. I ended up buying some kratom because it's a much better alternative to the bad stuff. I just need something for my nerves right now. Alcohol is never good for me, so I am avoiding that at all costs. I just hope that this will pass for both of us and we can regain some strength. ❤️

Thanks for sharing your experiences, everyone. You're in my thoughts.

It's been a few weeks and I am doing fine now. I realized that I can't drink alcohol. I wanted to be able to handle it, but I can't. I realize that alcohol is truly part of my addiction, almost as bad as the benzos and opiates. I always downplayed it bc it's just so "acceptable" by most of society, my family & friends. I can't drink. I am an addict and it's just a trigger. I get a buzz and then I want to use. I cannot make the mistake of drinking again. I can't make any more of these mistakes. I have my daughter now & she needs me to be sober. I am endangering her when I do these stupid things. No, I don't neglect her or anything but if something happened, I could loose my child all because I wanted to drink or use a little bit one night. **** that. I'm done. I have to be stronger this time around. I try to look at relapses as a learning experience. I think I learned that there won't always be a second chance to do things right, as well as that I cannot drink.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I really like what you said about "its okay to have a bad day". Thank you! ❤️