Daily addictions check in #[two]

We reached our max for the last one please use this one instead...

Did not have bloody marys like I thought I would have. Though I am getting ready to do some billing so may have some beer with that dreaded chore.
laundry is in the dryer needs to be hung up when the buzzer goes off.
billing should take me several hours so I dread it, may need to get some more stamps not sure.
bizi

Thanks for starting a new thread, greentires, & congrats again on your 20,000 hours of sobriety!

I didn't go to a meeting today because it was a step meeting. The topic was Step 6..."Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." I have a problem believing in the god-concept, but it doesn't stop me from being a member of AA. AA simply works for me. When I do go to meetings I hear such a wide variety of experiences & perspectives about staying sober. I can understand those who say that AA doesn't appeal to them because of the somewhat religious bent that's often present, but I use the group - the other people - as my higher power. My sponsor believes the same thing.

Decisions are what work for me, but half have been bad ones. I decide to stop drinking and I do. I don't drink again until I decide to. Other people hold little sway over those decisions. Sometimes I feel like I don't have much say in them, because sometimes I don't. They are typically made when I am brilliant and then the decision to drink again goes off the rails when I go crashing back down into the abyss. I am hopeful that my current meds will keep me from going as far off center in either direction and I can make the decision to stop stick this time. I am hopeful about RI as it affects my decision making process. Meetings never did. I hope the RI spots stay with me if I get more than a little hypo. I read something in the AARP rag not long ago about seniors experiencing an increase of over 100% in the rate of alcoholism. I have been using that as a battering ram against my long held vision of sipping wine under palm trees in my retirement, trying to get a clear image of starting to drink again as a bad decision. Not making that decision is what my sobriety hinges on.

I've been fighting World War III with my girlfriend most of the day, so my mood isn't the best. I read your post, UpDownAround, but I'd best not respond in depth right now. In my opinion, until I admitted I was powerless over alcohol I was sunk. After one drink, the "decision" to get drunk was made. That's just my perspective...

Maybe I'll respond in greater depth when I'm not so keyed up. Sorry.

Glad to contribute to #2 b/c that is how I'm feeling right now...shi**y! Why try to stay sober right now when my hubby is Fu**ing with us?! If he can't man up and fix his issues, that keep him from showing me his love, then really, I will look elsewhere. I deserve love. I need love. Right now, my love is in another glass of wine. Screw you Monday morning!!

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated right now, Toomixedup, but I'm sure you've experienced wicked hangovers before. Monday morning WILL come, so try to take it easy; you'll thank yourself.

One week today

having a dance party in your name of one week @jesslynn

Congrats, JessLynn! I've heard kicking meth is especially difficult.

That's great news! A week is a solid start. Congratulations!

I hope things are better with your GF. It's funny; I learn things myself from my stream of consciousness manifestos. You hit on one of my two reasons that I have trouble with the 12 step programs, First is not believing in a higher power and the other is I don't believe I am powerless; quite the opposite. When I beat this thing it will be with my willpower. No one else will always be there to stop me when an opportunity arises. I have to do it.

Your sensible words helped last night, and I actually poured out the rest of my glass...after my “other half” woke me up on the couch at 1:30 AM. Mind you I was still awake, I was just meditating to music, in between folding loads of laundry. 😉. I did manage to get up and drive the kids to school though, while he slept in. I’ll get my day soon

Thank you, Toomixedup. I'm glad to hear you woke up this morning without jackhammers at work in your brain. Music always calms me down when I'm feeling really angry, too. Despite the fact that others can piss us off, we're the ones who make the decision to drink...which often made my attitude & situation worse. I hope you're having a good day! It sounds like you got off to a good start, despite the fact you would have liked to have slept in!

We agree on that. I guess we just interpret what that means differently. I feel like I have to rely on myself because I am usually alone when the decision is made. If I can't do it alone, it's just a matter of time until I fail.

To my mind, there's a difference between making the "decision" to drink, & being compelled to get sloshed after that first drink. The latter is "powerlessness" for me. It's probably different for you.

What if there was more to work then us just "deciding to drink" or not there is lots of factors that goes into drinking just as any other substance like peer pressure for instance or readily available to us or stressor or that's the only way we know how to cope with life and all it's curveballs.

We some how learn early that it's socially acceptable then when someone tells us differently it's like a whole other ball game. Sure we may admit that we have problem but taking the steps to making sure we continue not doing it in itself is like relearning to walk all over again. We have to find something or someone to fill gaps either we turn to NA or AA or an addictions counsellor or groups that are sober related or detox or rehab or positive friends that no longer do those activities. It's like a whole new world of course we start off by crawling or the push pull routine before actually crawling. Then when we are steady enough we begin to walk but we fall a lot but the object is to continue to try continue to get up and try some more. We need professionals in our lives that are working for us not against us. Then we need in depth counselling to learn socially acceptable behaviours that we did not learn while we did certain things like drinking or doing drugs or gambling or smoking we need to be invested in our wellbeing fully. Who knows where it will lead us a new town, a new job, a divorce/marriage/fiancé/partner, kids, and a new beginning! Whatever it maybe we walk together bearing each other's burdens and triumphs but we use strength from an unknown place!

Wow! Just wow! Your whole post was so wise & insightful. I especially like the last sentence, though! I draw tremendous strength from others fighting the struggle - of course, that includes you folks on this thread!

Well... I am a twat and ****ed up again. My own fault. It was a long hard ****ing week and I couldn't say no to a couple lines offered tonight. I mean, I probably COULD have, I need to be firmer... **** sakes. Am I kicked out of the club? ;3

No you are just trying to learn to walk we all fall down a lot and when I mean a lot we all do we're not perfect as long as your not to hard on yourself it takes practice in saying "no" to others! But as long you learn from it and continue to say "no" and continue to put yourself in a better zone you can do it just believe in yourself like we all believe in you!

Does it make sense that it is both satisfying and scary to be a week clean and that I somewhat regret and do not regret my **** up. Or whatever. Maybe it's not a **** up and maybe I am just ****ed up :'D

No, there is nothing bad wrong with you. You had a slip. Yes, I completely understand how you had both positive and negative vibes about being clean. Using can become part of our identity and it isn't comfortable to lose it. But do you really want that to define you? There is a lot more to you than that. Getting clean is hard work that is worth doing. We are still here for you.

@jesslynn

Just say "Day uno" tomorrow like the game but it's a game of life then next day is two but count in Spanish maybe that might make it interesting and make you feel more accomplished. Your not a failure you just had taste of something then decided you didn't want it after all!

You're right. that part is different for me. I did not have the compulsion to get sloshed. I generally stopped at "pretty buzzed" and in situations where that seemed like a bad idea, I stopped short of it. At client dinners, wine flowed freely but I knew I get a little too unfiltered and would nurse a single glass. It was just at home at night that I would dose myself with my 24oz of 12%. When I have decided to drink again, I usually don't actually drink at the time I make the decision. I wait for a social occasion and drink responsibly. Then within a few weeks, I slide back to dosing myself.

Does this apply to anyone?because I bet it did when I used to drink wine!