Daily addictions check in #[two]

People are lighting off fireworks I bet you the cops have their hands full! I spent 2 1/2 hours in the hospital tonight I thought my throAt was closing up. The paramedics the one who attended was rude she said I had a bad attitude and was full of BS! I said I don't like the way she was treating me nor did I like how she treated me the time before! After I was released I got really dizzy outside and fell down my butt, head and side hurt! A security guard asked if I was okay I slowly pulled myself off the ground! But finally my mom showed up to drive me home!

I am exhausted!

Laters all

emgreen, thanks for asking. I haven't been back to rehab yet. On Mon. I was still too sick to go - they have really strict policies about not coming in if you're sick, which is good, we've never had a major outbreak of anything. So I'm starting back today & looking forward to it.

I dodged a major bullet, that was self inflicted with the combination of depression and drinking. I completely screwed up submitting my declaration of Continuing Professional Development credits, and fee waiver request to my professional association's licencing body. So they suspended my licence and gave me a month to submit everything. Fortunately by that time I was sober, and was able to get everything submitted before the deadline, and I just found out yesterday, that I've been reinstated and my dues waiver was approved. Talk about relieved. I worked so hard to get my CPA, that I would have been devastated if I'd lost it, not to mention the impact on getting back to work some day. Just goes to reinforce for me how bad the consequences of my drinking can be.

splitimage

I'm sorry you're both feeling unwell, splitimage & greentires. You're both having a rough time, but I'm glad you can go back to rehab today, splits!

As for the major bullet you dodged, isn't it amazing how much we can let slide when depression & alcohol abuse meet? I've had similar experiences in the past. I used to have to take work home on weekends, but would spend the weekend depressed & drunk & never get my work done. Then, I'd make up some stupid excuse to tell my boss. After a while he caught on. I'll never forget him saying, "Don't piss on my leg & tell me it's raining!" I was working on one year contracts. I think my drinking & depression had a lot to do with the fact my contract wasn't renewed that last year.

emgreen,
That sounds a lot like a side work project I ended up bailing on. The client was changing things in the UI for the app and was hard to work with because he didn't seem to understand how much went into making some changes he asked for. But I could have made the changes faster and communicated better if I wasn't drinking. I never let it affect my full time job, though there were a couple of work catered lunch parties where I would slip into the kitchen and stealthily finish my beer, grab a fresh one and take a couple of big swallows so it looked like it might be the one I had before to get 4 beers instead of two (what they requested we limit ourselves to). Yesterday, there was a Halloween catered lunch party and I wasn't drinking but I noticed a couple of people drift through the kitchen when management wasn't in there and seemed to go through the motions of recycling one bottle and opening another rather quickly. So I don't think I was the only one playing that game.

With all of us substance abusers on this PC section we could probably write a best selling book on how to sneak using alcohol/drugs! We'd make millions...but probably spend it on alcohol & drugs. Success can go to your head!

So I thought that with the loss of drugs I would want to eat more. I thought anorexia was being fueled by drug use because when I was coming down there was always a day or 2 where I would eat whatever I wanted. But I'm sitting here shaking because I haven't eaten in a couple days and it has nothing to do with drugs. I am just still terrified to eat.

I usually have the opposite problem, though for the last couple of months my diet to lose the extra weight I put on is bordering on an eating disorder (lost 30# in 2 months). I am not sure how to advise you. Do you participate in any of the forums geared toward that? Is this one of the things you see your psych about? I do know that people rarely solve it without help from others, so I encourage you to seek it.

My weight loss is largely fueled by drugs. Wellbutrin was added into my bipolar med cocktail and it works as an appetite suppressant on me. I don't know if there are other meds you take that might contribute. It sounds like it is a phobia ("terrified to eat"). I know those don't go away just by realizing they don't make sense (like people telling me to smile or count my blessings and I will be happy when I am depressed ). Please reach out to someone who can help.

I have been dealing on and off with anorexia for years, before the drugs started. Actually the drugs were like a replacement for the anorexia after recovery... And then I realized how easy it was to restrict on uppers. Lol. So I thought I was recovered or in remission or whatever. But the fear to eat and gain weight is real. My mom called me a half pint the other day and it made my heart soar lol.

I was standing at the sink I fell again everything hurts! I was out for a couple mins! So I grabbed some Mango nectar to drink out of the cupboard! And I crawled to the bathroom then I crawled back to bed! I don't want to keep going to the ER. So hopefully this mango nectar will help out!

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm sure they must have given you a thorough going over when you went to the ER, but perhaps you should make an appointment with your regular doctor. If nothing else, he/she could refer you to someone who could get to the bottom of it. I know you're sore from falling, but it could be a lot worse if you hit your head, or something.

I did hit my head on cement and a cement floor!

Apologies to anyone out there who's religious, but I always check the daily reflection they'll read & discuss at the meeting. Today's is:

I have faith. That thing that makes the world seem right. That thing that makes sense at last. That awareness of the Divine Principle in the universe, which holds it all together and gives it unity and purpose and goodness and meaning. Life is no longer ashes in my mouth or bitter to the taste. It is all one glorious whole, because God is holding it together. Faith - that leap into the unknown, the venture into what lies beyond our ken, that which brings untold rewards of peace and serenity. Have I faith?

Readings aren't generally so religious, but readings like this make me understand why so many people believe AA is somewhat like a religious cult. AA works for me, but I'm skipping the meeting today because it sounds more like something out of Sunday school than representing an organization that helps folks stay sober. They say. "Take what you need & leave the rest," which I'm able to do most of the time, but readings like today's really push my buttons. I'll stay home & stay sober by myself today...

Once I was about to turn right on red. It was totally clear. Then just as I am about to accelerate a truck pulled up in the left turn lane beside me and pulled so far forward that it completely blocked my view. I froze; I did not make my turn until the light changed. I don't have faith in things when I cannot see evidence of it, sometimes even if I once saw evidence. So faith in things unseen without evidence just isn't happening.

emgreen, yeah the whole religion thing turned me off. I don't think It's AA as it was originally intended, but it's how some people choose to interpret it and then force that on others. I had one person tell me I'd never get sober until I found God. I had a sponsor who kept trying to force her particular brand of religion down my throat and I've never heard a member say that there higher power is other than God. I get into this argument regularly with a friend who is very active in AA. I tell her AA is religions, and specifically Christian in its orientation, at least here in my metro area, and she keeps telling me no it's a "spiritual" program. It's one of a few reasons why I don't do AA.

Looking forward to rehab tomorrow.

And then in the afternoon I have an out of the blue interview with a head hunter.

Update: so I went to the doctor today my GP well anyways long story short I have "pneumonia" as the hospital checked me out to tell me! So now I have to take antibiotics! Apparently my doc sent a thing to the police stating something I needed to go to see a doc but not why I needed to be there...and I totally clean from medical marijuana/edibles and alcohol.. 2 year four months comes up in 10 days for alcohol and 3 weeks smoking it and 2 weeks for consuming it

There are some people who consider the people around the tables as their "higher power." I'm one of them. Hearing other peoples' experiences helps keep me sober. I'm reminded that I've tried to stay sober alone & never had much luck - always going back out & drinking. I also have one close friend with 40 years of sobriety who is also an athiest. In other words, there are people out there who don't believe in a God, but sometimes you have to do some listening & searching.

I understand your perspective. Those who maintain it's a "spiritual" program don't believe in religion, but still believe in some kind of higher power they can pray or meditate to. While I don't feel these people are obnoxious like the folks pushing their specific brand of religion (this is discouraged, BTW), I still don't understand quite where they're coming from. Again, though, I use the people around the table as my higher power & it seems to work for me...That's not to say the program doesn't piss me off sometimes. I'm back to skipping meetings again, but it's more due to depression & isolation. In addition, however, I don't like wading through BS when I'm in a mood like this.

I hope you had a productive IOP session & am very happy that you received an interview you weren't expecting. Hopefully you're employed now!

You know, I post here and in the BPD thread but I like it here much better as you guys listen and respond and the people in the BPD thread only post about themselves :'3 *bitter thought of the day*

How is everyone's day going? I started my new job today

Doing well, thanks. Day 131 of sobriety; I just Googled that - if you search for "days since m/d/y" it will tell you at the top of the results. I have had zero thoughts about it the last couple of days.

My other board is bipolar; people there are generally responsive and nice (despite what the clueless masses think bipolar means).

Not looking forward to the time change; I definitely have a bit of SAD in the mix. Having the sun go down on the drive home from work sucks. My arthritis is worse in cold weather also. I will fix that within a few years with a second address at a lower latitude. There's nothing wrong with winter that I-95 can't fix.

I-95 is that a highway somewhere?

I-95 is a new designer drug.

It's the US east coast freeway from Miami to the Maine / New Brunswick border. In the winter, taking it south until you can wear flip flops is a popular escape. Amtrak isn't a bad way to go either. You can sleep on the train (even in coach if you're not a light sleeper) and it's overnight to Kissimmee and overnight back. I am going down with one of my kids in January. I will take him to Universal one day and the next day he gets to row a boat on Lake Cecile while I fish.

Okay well we had our first snow dump of the year yesterday I missed it's brr outside like 32F right now

Staying up late I have rediscovered my love of drawing

I have been playing my keyboard a lot since I quit drinking and using. I am not that good, but I enjoy it and I get better when I play regularly. Anyway, a less clouded mind likes some exercise and most of it is enjoyable.

I have stayed clean from the meth for about a week now, but I have been using speeders lately :/ A lesser evil I guess. I have so much guilt surrounding it that I never had before. Most of the time I still just smoke weed though.

The speeders seem to make me just want to draw more and more lol I will post some pictures of my drawings later