Daily addictions check in #[two]

Yeah I guess I'm not ready to quit those cause I know my girlfriend won't...

We (my gf and I) are currently arguing over whether or not it is healthy to crash and sleep for days after doing 3 days of speeders. She is really agitating me.

I would choose sleep myself

I am not for a multiple day crash. It's hell. I don't crash AS bad on speed as I did on meth, but I am going to try taking a gravol later and just getting a good sleep tonight and picking up the pieces tomorrow. "Mind over matter" as she annoyingly and continuously throws in my face.

Who said multiple days just a night would be good you cannot think straight after 72hours of not sleeping

That's what I mean but she crashes for days at a time.

Then tell her your sleeping

By crashes I mean SHE will just sleep for days at a time and not want to get out of bed for anything. And I am so tired of living like that.

Jess, have you considered taking some time away from your girlfriend, to try to get yourself better? I'm not suggesting breaking up, please don't take it that way.

It just seems, the more I read, that every time you start trying to get clean, something with her and y'alls mutual friends sets you back down to the drugs again. In the last few posts, you mentioned not wanting to come down because of how she crashes... just because she doesn't want to stop, that does not need to dictate what is good for you or what you want or need to do for yourself.

The most unhealthy thing was doing speeders for 3 days. I do my recovery from not sleeping over the course of a few nights. I can't sleep all day no matter how tired I am.

I consider that a lot actually, but my girlfriend and I live together. I could stay with my parents for a while but they don't know about the drugs and I can never tell them. :/ I would be disowned.

I decided to try to go to bed though lol

You are right, of course. I was just wondering what would be best specific to just coming down though which I guess is a dumb question :/

Just had another meltdown and my girlfriend told me III need to stop the speeders :'D ha

The thing is, if she's telling you to stop the speeders and other drugs, but not stopping herself, it's not a healthy environment, and she is just setting you up for failure and arguments. There is pretty much no way that you will be able to get clean without people url helping and supporting you constantly. Having someone telling you to stop, but then going back on their word or continuing to use themselves isn't going to help anything. Y'alls relationship just seems to be getting in the way if you taking care of yourself, to me. At some point, you may have to decide which is more important... Your relationship with her or getting clean and saving your life.

I don't want to leave her :/

My suggestion (what you do is obviously your decision):

When she wakes up and is clear headed, tell her she is important but so is getting clean and if you are important to her she should respect your decision and not try to influence you or make it difficult. What would be optimal is for her to decide to get clean with you, but I get the feeling she isn't there yet. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum but it needs to be pretty damn firm.

I understand that, and like was just said, that isn't the only option. Talking with her about what you need should come first. If she cares about you the way you do about her, she will hopefully do what is good for you. The way she is behaving right now tho is not good for you.

Also, there is a difference btwn taking some time apart and breaking up. You may need to remove yourself from the environment for a bit to really get a handle on the drug use, and then be able to discuss your future with her at that point. The thing is, while you are both high, you are both not making healthy decisions and you are both hurting each other.

I ordered MDMA online again because there was money left over in my bitcoin account.

I want to tell my mom about it before it arrives in the mail so she can throw it away but I'm scared to tell her.

I'm done messing around with drugs. Ecstasy was the only drug that helped me but I don't need it.

I spend weeks contemplating ordering the drug and then I make an order within less than 5 minutes and then cancel it and keep cancelling it until I wait long enough that it arrives. That's how it works.

I want to go back on methylphenidate again because my heart is ok and my focus is so bad but if I tell my mom and psychiatrist and psychologist about the MDMA, the chances of them trusting me again with a controlled substance that I need is much lower.

Unfortunately I tend to abuse drugs but I really need methylphenidate to function. This isn't some normal case where I can be fine without it. Most people don't even need methylphenidate.

I don't know what to do either tell her or risk my mom finding it in the mail before I find it in the mail.

I want my psychiatrist to trust me so I can take medications properly and I want help but I feel like there's no other way around this and I'm just going to live a miserable life and then die because I have no motivation or focus.

I went outside to vape and thought about telling my mom while listening to music that spoke to me telling me what I should do so I told her and she was understanding and says when it comes in the mail, she'll flush it.

I don't know if it will work for you, but I am on straterra for focus because of my problems with stimulants. Vyvanse is a stimulant but has properties that make it less subject to abuse.

Almost shocked at how I feel about alcohol and substances right now. Just a fleeting urge came through today; I have a lot of stressors right now, The next thought that came in and chased it away is that I have enough problems to deal with already. I am not stupid enough to think I can let my guard down; there will be urges harder to chase off. But it was a win on a day I needed one.

Yesterday was an emotionally difficult day for me. It was the anniversary of my mother's death. The good news is I didn't have a single urge to drink, which is a major change for me.

Felt like a win.

splitimage

That's a BIG win. Thanks for sharing that.

sorry about your mother.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi