[wonderluster]

That's pretty cool to have your own thread.
They told me for years that I was an alcoholic.
They were wrong.

I just did not know how to use it properly.

Now I go days and weeks without a drop.
Once in a while I get stupid and sloppy.
The important thing is that I don't like being stupid and sloppy.
So...I try not to have too many too often.
Good Luck!

[bizi]

Thank you for your support! have a great day.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[wonderluster]

Bizi...fyi
The next entry is #666

[bizi]

Used to take benadryl at night for 2 years then it stopped working.

Wonder if I could take/try that again?
I don't like chamomile tea, I know I am weird. Thanks for the suggestion bobby, glad that it helped you!

I took the regular melatonin and let it dissolve in my mouth which it took forever!!!!! Tonight I am going to chew it into pieces and try to let them dissolve. I pulled out my pill boxes for 2 weeks so I can get the tapering straight. She gave me 15 more pills today with no refills.
I remembered later last night that I used to get restless leg syndrome and the klonipin took that away. Maybe that was a side effect of one of the meds that I take. Will see if it comes back, I hope not.


Kay, I was given the name of the therapist who agreed to see me. I am to call her on monday as she is on vacation this week. I guess I will see what she has to say, apparently there is a non religious AA meeting that she knows about....I am not interested in the 12 steps so will try to go one time and see how it is run. It would be nice to have a sponsor though. Her charge is $120 an hour. She would see me every 2 weeks. Well I can't afford that.

Since jeff has been away...I have gone out.
I don't like to be alone.
Have eaten too much. Drank too much.
I pulled a big bunch of climbing wicked vines out of a bush in the front yard and a couple of wasps came flying out, I must have disturbed them.

What happened to the me that was dieting and going to the gym??????
I am now in the obese category and have a 40 inch waist which is extra hard on your heart.
heavy sigh
bizi

[bizi]

just poured 5 beers down the drain.
Yesterday, I had 10-11 lost track. I did not even feel drunk! My tolerance had gotten so high.
Today is day 1.
I call the substance abuse counselor on monday to see if I can start some real therapy with an expert/specialist.
I also weighed myself.
188.3....I am really going to watch my carbs again and lose some of this weight. It is a repeated cycle. I stop drinking then diet and lose some weight then start drinking again and regain all that I lost.
I must break this cycle.
bizi

[wonderluster]

Change starts with the desire to change.
You have a desire to change, Bizi!

Good luck!

(It really just comes down to making a decision. We make the final decision when we are ready...usually after we suffered horribly)

[bizi]

The sobering truth is when I got home safe and sound after drinking 4 beers. I was 1.6 miles from my home was very careful and fully alert. It was not until in bed thinking about it more. The beers were 9% alcohol so that is really 2 beers. So I had the equivalent of 8 beers and drove home.

Stupid Stupid Stupid.
bizi

[wonderluster]

I understand your pain.
I once drank compulsively to feel comfortable.
When I abstained from booze for a time, I learned how to be comfortable with myself without it.
It gets easier over time.

[bizi]

I am going to the NAMI support group tonight at 6pm at the lutheran church close by. (They meet the 1st and 3rd sundays of the month).
Maybe I can meet someone there. A few years ago I met a woman and we became fast friends. She moved to missouri to be closer to her dad. We stay in touch thru face book.

I have very few friends


Most people who have a mental health dX, don't drink alcohol I presume.
I met one woman already, I took care of her dads feet, he died about a year ago. We are friendly. For a short time we Would call each other just to chat but then we stopped. It becomes uncomfortable when she doesn't have a car. I tried to get her to go with me to the gym, she was too tired to do that.


The Atheist AA group meeting is on wednesday at 6pm.

I will go there. Wonder how that will go? They rewrote the big book to remove all religious aspects from what I have heard.

Am going to start going to the gym again, to walk on the tred mill.

Jeff came home last night!!! His plane was late, I parked and waited for him at the gate. On the way home we stopped by popeyes, he was starving. I had already had a whopper with extra everything for dinner. It was very good. My first day of my diet/watching what I eat is today. Jeff came home with lots of stories.
They went hiking up a mountain, he is really sore from that. It was a 3.5 mile hike and it took the over 3 hours to make the trip. They climbed over rocks and steep cliffs. He said he had to be really careful.
His heart rate went crazy because of the high altitude. It was hard for him sleeping in the cabin the first night. The cabin is at 8,000 feet elevation, up the side of a mountain. It is basically a small house 500sq feet, 2 bed rooms one bath. His friend Mike has been fixing it up since they bought it 8 years ago. He will be there all summer. His wife and family joined him yesterday.

I missed him and am glad that he is home.
Bizi

[bizi]

Originally Posted by wonderluster

I understand your pain.
I once drank compulsively to feel comfortable.
When I abstained from booze for a time, I learned how to be comfortable with myself without it.
It gets easier over time.

@wonderluster

All I have are my addictions.
Alcohol which I am trying to abstain....day 2 down.
Food (gained 50 pounds in 4 years)

starting low carb dieting again,

which works when I don't drink, I lose weight.
Internet....This is the most addicting activity that I do.
It is where I get support and give support.
Even so, I call it mental masterbation.
It is very satisfying. Instant gratification stuff, limbic stuff.

Take these away and I am a ghost.
I don't know how to be comfortable in my own skin...
what does that even mean?
Oh and I have bipolar 1 to throw in there.
I am on lots of meds to stay sane.


Thank you for hanging with me.

bizi

[bizi]

Started this AF streak June 1st
so today is day 5....feel better stronger. Slept really well last night.
My psych doctor is cutting out my klonipin(tranquilizer) because I drink, so goes a slowish taper. It is only .5mg so I think I can do this.
I have been on this for so many years...so don't know how I will do with this taper off.
Wish me luck!
bizi

[bizi]

I went to the AA meeting tonight and it was good.
I now have a sponsor. I like her. I will call her tomorrow and set up a meeting.
She is old enough to be my mother but that is fine.

I asked her if she knew about non dualism and she did. She has a degree in theology. I hope she doesn't try to convert me.....This is an atheist AA group and free thinkers and agnostics. I wonder if she will get me a book to read and if it is different from the "big book"?
The 12 steps have been reworded to take out all references to God or a higher power.

We have had a lot of rain and more is expected the rest of the week and over the week end.

I think I am ready to get better.
bizi

[wonderluster]

My pleasure, bizi
I am rooting for you!

[wonderluster]

You said, "All I have are my addictions."

You solved your problem.

All you have is your addictions.
The reason you have addictions is because you do not have anything else.
We are built by Nature to be active.
If we do not use our energy towards constructive projects we will use our energy to self destruct.

We need to have a purpose in life.
We need to contribute our part to the whole of life.

We truly need to be bizi doing good deeds
...or we will be bizi doing bad deeds

[bizi]

I feel like I do my job well.
I have a small foot care practice. I am a nurse who gives pedicures to the elderly in their homes.
Have been doing this for 20 years. love it and it is very rewarding. My business is down and this scares me. I put out a small ad in the senior newspaper....maybe that will help.
I have a complaint against my license....waiting to hear from the board about it, have a lawyer to help intercede.


It is the after hours and weekends that I flounder with.
I need to get busy doing something else...need to come up with a plan...

I have been reading some from WFS...women for sobriety. It is really good.
hubby bought me a book, he said it should be here by wednesday.
Something about alcoholism and dualism...he is on a nondualism kick.
I tried watching a video about it and it is not my thing.

Thanks again for your support.
bizi

[wonderluster]

bizi, I appreciate your openness

life is a struggle for all living things
The trick is to have something worth struggling for

[bizi]

I asked for the phone number of the lady who led a watercolor class that I saw on face book. My girl friend posted pictures. They were really good.The group knew each other and they had individual pre printed outlines of the still life picture..... I need to ask my friend how it went for her. She did post that it was very hard to do. Water colors are hard to work with, I have painted with them before.

Excited because it is something to do!

My rosacea is still plaguing me. I cover it with this camouflage make up called glo minerals. It was originally obtained from a dermatologist office, I ordered a replacement off of amazon.

I use argon oil to get it off. It has zinc oxide in it so you know that is hard to get off your face.


Diet is going well. Ate 2 cups of smothered chard for lunch and a cup of chicken salad with raisins and apples. It was delicious! For dinner we had steamed brocolli and a pork chop and half an avocado. Jeff is a good cook!
I am drinking coffee in the morning with stevia(minus the creamer) Because I am intermittant fasting to. So lunch is my first meal/calories of the day. We ate around noon so I could have eaten something up to 8 pm but we were finished dinner before 7pm. So no snacking allowed after dinner.
On to my 2nd zevia cola...cream soda is my favorite and is sweetened with stevia so safe to drink, with out the calories. Weighed 185.5 this morning.

tomorrow is the atheist/free thinkers AA meeting. That should be interesting. Maybe there will be women there if it is all men then I am not sure that I will go back. I want to meet other women with whom I can do things with. My friend contacted me about a substance abuse counselor/therapist. I should call her soon......May be I will wait and see how it goes with AA.

I spoke with my twin sister tonight. Gretchen said we needed to call mom more often. I told her that I did not know what to say since we all get each others text messages thru out the day. She said that we are the only people mom talks to besides Dad. She doesn't have any friends. Sad.
Mom has memory issues as do I so it is hard to carry on a conversation.
She has new hearing aides so that helps a lot!It is blue toothed with her phone, so that makes for easier talks.

I have been procrastinating doing billing, just hate it.
Jeff has gone to have a few drinks at his friends house. I told him to call me if he has had too much to drink...we can do the car retrieval in the morning. He said he call if needed.
Thank you for reading, you have been a big part of my support network.

bizi

[wonderluster]

You are doing great, bizi!

You wonder how to be comfortable in your own skin?
You keep doing what you are doing and become the person you want to be.
We will all fall in our attempts, but we will win if we get back up and never give up

[bizi]

This evening I spoke with Carol.

I am meeting her this

tuesday at her house at 7:30pm.
WE are going to use the big book.
She asked me if she could pray for me,
silent pause on my part.
Then I just said sure if you want to.

She said that was the perfect answer.
Tolerance is what we strive for, she said.
We shall see how it goes.
Jeff bought me a book:
Under A-rest....Reflections on the

twelve steps by Paul Hedderman.
I am going to start reading it tonight

and this weekend.
I think it will help me process the steps.
The big book is really religious...
so I am not sure this is going to work for me.
Any way I will see on tuesday how it goes.
bizi

[bizi]

Survived a cook out without drinking. At the dinner table we talked about certain chain of events being 2 years ago when I thought it was a year ago.
I think that I missed a lot by drinking over the years. My memory is horrible anyway and then on top of that to have missed so much....very sad.
We had one guest, Paul rode his bike over here so he could drink and not have to worry about a DUI.
One of my friends who I came out to last week asked me how I knew that I was an alcoholic? I told her that When I realized that last friday night I had drank the equivalent of 8 beers and drove home. That was the turning point for me. One week ago today:

So June 1st is my day one sober day.
I have done 6 weeks off for lent before but never intending to say good bye for good. the longest I have done with out alcohol is 5 1/2 months.
But I never wanted to give it up for good. It was always in my mind that I could drink moderately. But I can't do that, I have tried and failed so many times. So I will give up alcohol and reach for a sober life.
bizi